My Mom died 2 months ago. They were married almost 72 years. Often he forgets she’s dead and asks where she is. He’s absolutely incapable of living alone but insists he can. His home has not been sold bc 2 lazy nieces are still living there. I’m afraid to let him visit as don’t think I’d be able to get him to leave again without physically “forcing him”. He’s so unhappy I am afraid he’ll just die of a broken heart
My sister died several days after we placed him in the facility and I haven’t even grieved my Mom yet. Now he doesn’t realize his oldest daughter is gone too. She was my best friend and a co-POA.
My Dad had agreed to give the home “a try” but now says he had and just wants to go home. I KNOW he’s safer there. This is just so hard😩 I’m retired and hubby retired the day Mom died. We had planned to travel. Bought a 40ft Class A, and Jeep to tow. All is put on hold now. My hearts not in it anymore anyway. The money will run out for Dad in a year, and the daunting task looms of cleaning out the family home he built, mostly with his two hands in 1968. I had told him we would not take him out of his home when Mom died on (12/31/23) but he declined even faster in these last 2 months. The guilt is overwhelming me and I keep thinking a “visit” home might help.
Rationally, part of me thinks it’s a bad idea. Maybe I’m just trying to assuage my own guilt??😩
“Not everything can be fixed. “
That gave me some peace, in all of the sorrow that goes along with placing a parent in MC.
Also, whoever the PoA for your Dad is the one who should be either collecting rent from the nieces or evicting them. All the better if you can collect rent from them while you are there downsizing it. Maybe you being present there will drive then out.
You didn't cause this, and you can't fix this. The word "guilt" isn't appropriate here. What you are feeling is the other G-word, GRIEF.
How would you not? You have lost a beloved sister, and your mom. Now you are losing your father while the shell of his body stands before you.
And yes, he MAY die. Change is hard, and he is very elderly and he has lost not only those he loves but even his own sense of self. He may soon die no matter WHERE he lives.
Is all this not WORTH grieving? I am so sorry for it. But that being sorry for it can't help you much.
You have all done the right thing with his placement. His mind may move in a circular manner thru his memories that will never leave him. Though the places must.
I am again so sorry for the need for this terrible adjustment. But this is part of being 90, and of loss of our mental capacities, and you are doing the best to support the life he can now have. Life is full of suffering and grief. And it is full of beauty and joy, and one of the things to be grateful for is the good luck to be born in a loving family like your own.
Again, I wish you the luck. This cannot be made perfect. You aren't able to fix this. This is what it is and it will not change, and it is heading to inevitable loss. It is worth tears, his and your own. Be as good to yourself as you can. Recognize that what you suffer now is not guilt but terrible grief. Celebrate the memories you have; don't lose site of the love amidst the pain.
Please do not let him “visit”. It will not help to alleviate his sorrow, and you might well FIND that he would refuse to leave.
I have recently lost the second of two cherished loved ones who were lost to dementia for the last part of their lives.
The ONLY SERIOUS MISTAKE I MADE while caring for the first (my mother), was to drive past her house about 6 months after she’d been living with me.
SHE was not upset as we were leaving, but the joy of her face to just see it almost killed ME.
The second placement, Mom’s younger sister when she turned 90, left plaintive messages on my cell phone imploring me to “…Tell my mother I’ll be late coming home- I don’t want her to worry…” after my grandmother had been dead for almost 50 years.
The phone messages still make me cry, but they’re the last sound of her voice I have recorded.
Bear up as well as you can. Many many of us suffer through this stage and our dear ones ultimately adjust. You know you’ve done the right thing, and in these situations there are NO HAPPY DECISIONS, but there are safe and necessary ones.
Best hopes that he will begin to adjust SOON.