How do I deal with my angry demented mother. She’s not rational, acting out by throwing things at the caregivers calling them names telling them to F off. Behavior that is not like her. She hates where she is and wants to go back to the Assisted Living, but she is running out of money. What should I do? I’ve tried calling her doctor to get her medication. He will only give her Zoloft in the day and a sleep aid at night. A low dose of Trazadone.It doesn’t seem to be helping, but it’s only been a few days.
How you handle it? Really, it isn't handled, it is simply lived with. She's angry, heart-broken, acting out. I think often the best way of handling something like this is to tell her your visit will be brief because it isn't making her happy. Then remove yourself from the situation. As she learns that you leave when she acts out, she may change.
Of course, she may NOT change, but her ability to manage any realistic response is now gone due to her disease. It isn't her fault and you can't do much about it. The end of life tends not to be a happy time, so manage YOUR OWN FEELINGS by not EXPECTING happiness and not feeling RESPONSIBLE for her happiness, which will now not likely be attaining in her remaining lifetime.
With luck she may improve. I certainly hope so. Meanwhile don't take this on. You didn't cause it; you really can't effect it.
Also consider putting a do not disturb on her phone number and only take it off for a window of time (like 9am-noon and then again from 5pm to 7pm). You can always call the nurse and ask how she is doing.
Finally, when she is abusive, interrupt her and tell her you are hanging up and then don’t let her call you for 2 days. Etc.
Don't take your mom's behavior personally. I know it hurts, but this behavior is based in fear, anxiety and losing control. I would step away for awhile until the facility can get her under control. Don't hesitate to contact a doctor who specializes in geriatric care who can prescribe something for her agitation.
Do something good for yourself. These behaviors are the norm in dementia.
No, it is not always better for the person to be kept at home. Not better for them or their families. Most of the time it is impossible to keep the demented elder at home because people can't blow up their lives, homes, and families to become a 24/7/365 care slave.
There are limits to what homecare can provide. We are not miracle workers but so many families expect us to be and when we can't deliver on a miracle at home for their loved one, they get resentful and angry.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years to all kinds of care clients. I have seen more elders with dementia than I can count who were being kept at home long past the time when they should have been placed in facility care for their own safety and well-being. So many of them were either still dangerously living alone, or were living with one of their kids and were alone all day long except for when I came for a little while. They had zero socialization. Then there's the ones who have some elderly spouse with the best of intentions trying to everything when they've got one foot in the grave themselves.
It was no one's fault when a LO has to go into care. Families do the best they can. They have families of their own that have to be provided for so they have to work. They can't devote 24 hours a day to the care, comfort, and entertainment of their needy, elderly parent. So, it's not always best to keep someone home.
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