I get very little support from family and my friends have all abandoned me and I need help. Any advice?

I can see why you feel hopeless. You have ruled out your answer.

She needs to be in a skilled nursing care facility that accepts medicaid, assuming their are no funds. No one can do what you are tring to do without lots of family support and lots of money for in home help. For the sake of you both check to this now. This site has good info about a lying for medicad and finding a care facility.

I don't feel like you are doing her any good, keeping her at home. What happens if you die suddenly? She will go somewhere, then. I think you need to make that happen, now. Talk to the administrator at a NH and get the medicaid arrangements made, for her to be admitted.

My mother is 96. My MIL is 92. Both are in nice facilities. They are safe, clean, dressed, fed and entertained. My husband and I both work full time and we need our own health insurance and soc. sec. benefits. So, bringing them home with us, was never an option.

I am saying in a loving way, you should rethink about a nursing home for your mom. You say you are not patient with her. Then she has panic attacks and tightens up. Those should be red flags for you. If you don't do something, then YOU will be in a NH or a cardiac rehab center. Life is not to be just endured. The NH would be paid out of Medicaid funds.

Your question is does anyone have advice and you say that family and friends have abandoned you. Those people who have abandoned you may have had the advice you needed to hear and refused. There is no replacement in our culture for the care of a loving daughter but there are limits as to what is truly helpful and what is a form of codependent behavior that does not serve well for either of you. It sounds like you are denying your mother more qualified care that she needs. I wonder if what you are doing is living in your mothers house, using your mothers income and that your business is more a hobby than a business at this point. You didn't mention if you were a qualified health care provider so I'm making an assumption here based on the information you gave. I'm not negating the fact that your mother requires care and that you are spending a great amount of time tending to her. My advice is to get therapy for yourself in order for you to see the larger picture. Then you might see that your brothers are doing the best they can within the narrow window you have open for them or anyone else to make a difference. Good luck.

Becky, you're very welcome.

Lots of great advice on here.

vstefans brings up a very valid point. Even if your mother was placed somewhere these same people would than come up with excuses as to how busy they are and wouldn't visit her or assist you in anyway.

These are just excuses. You would hear them regardless.

My favorite is "well you chose this". No, one adult child steps up to the plate FIRST, and all of sudden it's all on them.

Or "I would rather remember them the way they were".....LOL. Nice try, but it's BS. Just say "I don't want to be bothered", until the will is read of course. Than they have the time.

I will not put her in a home I will feel as if I abondoned her......I just need to find quality affordable in home care so I can get back on my feet

Quality affordable in home care through an agency is $20 an hour. Private pay is $10-15 an hour. Depending on your mother's income she might qualify for some financial assistance. Medicare might pay some in home care based on her limitations of activities of daily living skills. Hopefully you have durable power of attorney and healthcare proxy. Local senipr centers and the Counsel on Aging can help guide you.

97YearOldMom, I feel an obligation to defend the OP. There have been plenty of people who've written similar posts, over and over, but there are also those who post about similar situations and seek help, in earnest. I might be blind to ulterior motives but I don't see that in Beck's post.

People don't maintain relationships with others during the caregiving years for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that the whole concept of caring for an elderly parent isn't a particularly exciting topic of discussion. And if friends or others haven't done it, they'll never completely understand how demanding it can be.

It's not as if caregivers excitedly meet their friends to tell about their grueling days. It's not like sharing the excitement of a new job or other positive experience. Not all people want to even hear the details of caregiving. It makes them too uncomfortable.

At times it feels as if you're caught in a whirlpool, being sucked down, and you're unable to free yourself. At times the issues can be so overwhelming that it's as if all the neurons in your brain are firing simultaneously and you can't think clearly. And other times it's just complete, sheer, mental and physical exhaustion.

Even if someone stood in front of a caregiver and offered to help, the caregiver might be so numb that the offer doesn't even register.

There's also a phenomenon that develops, and I don't believe it's co-dependency; it's a feeling of overwhelming obligation and anxiety of what might happen if the caregiver isn't giving as much as he or she can. If something does happen, the caregiver frequently blames herself, even if the event wasn't anything she could prevent.

I consider myself to be a feisty, tough old woman when I need to be, but there are times when I can't even think clearly, or when the anxiety is so much I can't sleep. And if I take days off to play in my garden, I feel guilty because there's so much that my father needs to have done at his house. Where do I draw the line? Where does any caregiver draw that line?

I can't really even begin to describe the subordination of individual rights and goals as well as the mental fatigue that often accompanies caregiving. I sense that Beck is in this position.

You wrote:

"It sounds like you are denying your mother more qualified care that she needs."

I'm sure you didn't mean it as it was written and it wasn't intended to be cruel or critical. But it did sound like that. Beck is overwhelmed, as are others here, including those of us who post often. She's probably denying herself just as much as any unintentional denial of her mother's needs.

"I wonder if what you are doing is living in your mothers house, using your mothers income and that your business is more a hobby than a business at this point."

Again, I understand that you're speculating, and perhaps you're right and I'm wrong. But I did think this supposition was inappropriate.

Have you ever run your own business? If not, do you have any idea how difficult it is, to handle all the product or service R & D, the marketing, the delivery of services or products, the legal and financial aspects?

Beck wrote that she went from a $50K income to about $15K. That's a significant drop; even if she did have a "hobby" at a $50K level, it was a well planned and orchestrated one. And from what I read, it was her only source of income.

If there's evidence that your suppositions are accurate, I will most certainly apologize for my own misinterpretations. It is not my intent to criticize you or provoke a conflict It's rather to point out that there are so many aspects to Beck's position that aren't possible for any of us not in that situation to completely understand, and it's tenuous to make conclusive judgments.

I hope I haven't offended you; that was not my intent.

Thank you sunny girl.....I am taking steps by enrolling her in the geriatric program at U of M here in my state they are a top notch hospital and study/learning facility which I feel will be much better suited to handling her needs she has Parkinson's which has contributed to the dementia...I am hoping by having all doctors in same facility seeing the notes others have wrote in her charts will help her, including her medications