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I was sick and tired of being told what to do and never having anyone step up and assist. Only assistance we were given was being told what WE should do. When time comes to dole out inheritance they will step up and take but never lifted a finger. to me this is not about money it is about Fair share. I have not spoken to my husbands side for over a year. I feel better because I already know what I need to do and don't need to be told. My husband is non confrontational. I feel as if for all I have done he is not grateful at all. Our relationship has suffered because of it. In the very least I feel as if he should back me up. I know there are others out there dealing with this. Who needs relatives who only act as Elderly Help desk sons and daughters? It is disgraceful.

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DIL, what happened recently that spurred you into posting about it now? Are you - I'm just stabbing in the dark, here - perhaps anxious that you might blow your top and have this out with your husband?
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My husband does communicate with his brother. He takes his calls in another room, which bothers me because I take all my calls in front of him. It has at times made for a very lonely marriage. But I feel a person needs to foundationally stand by their beliefs even if they end up standing all by themselves.
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It was a year ago. They still do not know what they did. Or that is what I am being told. I clearly outlined why I felt used. How do you not know it it "What you didn't do and not what you did. Most people do not like to have a mirror held up to them. I know my flaws. No-one needs to tell me them. But I have just done what is needed in caring for MIL. But there is not one person in my shoes who would not eventually tell the others what they think of them. I did and I felt good about it. But their lack of communication tells me it hit HOME and it hit hard. Believe me I know how to be nice but forcefully direct. Thanks for your reply.
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It may help to consider the siblings as living in China, since that is where they are emotionally. Unhelpful siblings won't be pressured into helping with elder care, so it's not worth spending any emotional energy worrying about them. Actually, I wonder if the unhelpful siblings might not be the ones that are right in many cases. If there were no children to help, perhaps the parents would make other arrangements for care.
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Yes, it is disgraceful.
Yes, the relatives should, at the very least, have refrained from telling you what to do.
Yes, your husband should back you up.

Now you feel better, without communicating with the Help Desk folks.

So all is well ...

Except your marriage relationship has suffered. You want him to show gratitude, but apparently he is not. You want him to back you up. What is he doing that doesn't back you up? Is he still communicating with his relatives? Just what should he be doing at this time (not a year ago, but now)?

Have you considered marriage counseling? That's where the problem is, that is where you should get help. That is, if you both consider the marriage worth saving.
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Oh-hoo-hoo..!

When did you unleash (nicely) on them? I expect they're keeping a low profile.

Never mind back you up, your husband should be grateful to you not only for all the support you provide but also for speaking plainly with his siblings. Once he's got over his qualms about the confrontation perhaps he'll realise that what you said needed saying. Good for you.
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