I feel wishy washy!

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Some days I feel that my MIL would benefit from 24 7 in my home care and other days I feel that a NH would be best for her. I just don't know at this time but I do know that her son, my husband, has things to do. She has been deemed incompetent.

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Just to answer some questions as I am on my dumb phone, or maybe I am not using it right My mil lives with us (since November 2017) due to her need to take pills and not being able to do anything for herself and I don't drive. Her son goes out west hunting every year about that time so I pretty much said she could move in (she was coming over here anyway, I don't know if that was considered wandering, but I felt it was). Our daughter has been helping me since day 1, but she has a young family, my granddaughter is 4 yo. My daughter said she would provide her grandmother with 24 7 in home care (much more practical financially), but my husband, mil's son, wants her placed in a facility. She is too much for me to handle. I don't think she has slept a whole night while being here and from the stories I have heard, I don't think she slept good at her own home, either. Hence, my feelings of wishy washiness. I really don't know what to do or what would be best for her. I wanted to avoid medicaid, but it is not looking like that is going to be possible as the sale of her house will get her about 14 months for a MC facility. I have found 1 facility that has an opening, and they have to do an assessment of her next week to determine the level of care she needs and that will determine the cost. The facility doesn't accept medicaid at this time. Either way, medicaid or not, her home will have to be sold, but we have been told in order to do that, someone, probably my husband, will have to get guardianship. Too many moving parts, etc, to this story!
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Reply to Lostinthemix
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I understand your pain. My mom was with me for 9 months. This was her 2nd time in the hospital for hallucinations in that time period. They now have her on the right medicine's and she seems much better in a memory care unit. Would love to bring her home and it breaks my heart. But I know it is best for both us because it was literally sucking the life out of me. I was her 24 hour care giver. I'm slowing coming to terms that this is the right choice for both of us. But it still hurts my heart everyday....I can only pray it will get better since she just went in on May 10, 2018.
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Reply to Belle41
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I can add my dad’s perspective. He’s elderly and very frail but thus far doesn’t deal with dementia. He has watched many family and friends go through the path of aging and all its myriad of issues. He has for many years told his adult children that he will not have any of us live with him and he will not live with any of us. We’ve offered, seeing him as physically frail as he is, but he remains adamant in this. He’s watched the decision of living with family be detrimental to too many relationships and has grown very against it as a result. From many experiences I’ve read here, I see the wisdom in his feelings
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Should have read your previous posts. I thought MIL was in a home. From what I glanced at, MIL needs to go to a nursing home. You deserve a life.

Just want you to know, I would not have cared for my MIL.  Yes, I would have done the things my husband couldn't do, but he would have the major care.  My MIL was passive aggressive.  Had enough problems with her living in her home let alone living with me.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Look at it this way. As her Dementia gets worse she will need more care. Are you willing to spend 24/7 caring for her. Will your husband be there so you can have time to yourself. Are you willing to clean up the messes she makes. Try to deal with someone who no longer can reason or understand. Even the sweetest can get violent. Like said, you can always visit often. I would leave her where she is. Change is not good for dementia patients. Looks like husband is not worried because he has things to do.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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When are you and DH thinking of making an actual decision about MIL's care?

The thing is. If your MIL is in a nursing home and you find that you want more involvement, you will be free to go there as often as you like to offer her enrichment activities and additional support.

But it doesn't work the other way round. On her bad days, you're not going to be able to call in a SWAT team from the NH to get through. And DH, do you mean, has other things on his mind?

So personally I'd feel that the NH option is the safe side. Have you had a look at some?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I think that inviting someone into your home isn't a decision to be wishy washy about, if you aren't 100% gung ho now then just imagine how difficult it will be to change your mind when you hit the inevitable bumps in the road.
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Reply to cwillie
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Lostinthemix, (My Goodness, your name says a lot about you and your situation) I have been following your posts and I think that you need to take a look at this current post as I am sure that you can relate to what others are saying on that post.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-do-you-really-know-if-you-cant-do-it-any-longer-439727.htm
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Reply to DeeAnna
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