I feel uncomfortable about my Health-Aide who helps me with taking a shower. What should I do?

A lot of you are advising to ask for a male aide - although it is becoming more common for men to go into this line of work they are still scarce in my neck of the woods, I very much doubt there are any at all employed by our local home care agency.

Please explain what makes you uncomfortable.

I definitely agree with others on getting a chair for your shower.

Hi! There are two sorts of shower chairs and stools, one with a flat seat and one with a seat like a toilet seat. I’ve just used the latter for the first time ever – I had an eye operation and found it hard to wash my hair in the shower with my eyes closed and my balance a bit wobbly, so we dragged out MIL’s old toilet raiser chair. I could easily wash the smelly bits myself through the hole in the seat, and nothing much below the waist got displayed.

Please remember that all of us have one of only two complementary sets of smelly bits, and most of us have years of experience of navigating the other set that we don’t have ourselves. I probably lost qualms as a teenager having to strip frequently for doctors to see my full length curvy spine, but now I get far more concerned about whether other people are embarrassed, than being embarrassed myself. Be brave!

Is this only about privacy and dignity, or do you also have concerns about the female aide being physically able to support you safely?

I'm assuming that the lady is a trained professional health-aide. In that case, she will certainly have done practical and written courses in "Moving and Manual Handling" and will know how to support you when you are stepping into the shower, sitting down on the shower chair or bath board, standing and balancing to wash, and getting out again. Nothing more than average strength is required for any of this - it's pretty much a rule for caregivers that if you're using any great force or muscle power, you're doing it wrong.

If it is a matter of privacy and dignity, and you are uncomfortable with a female assisting your personal care, the best thing you can do is tell her that you feel uncomfortable. Once she is aware of your feelings, she can take extra care throughout the routine so that you hardly notice she's there.

But this is completely your choice. If having a female present is not acceptable to you then neither the aide nor her agency/employer should object to your requesting a male aide for personal care.

I am surprised that the aide has not recommended a shower chair. Their are many types. If you have a combo tub/shower, there are chairs that go over the side of the tub. You sit on the chair and slide over and slide out. Then there are hand held showers heads (and u can purchase longer hoses than provided) to help you bathe. There are also suction bars you can place on the walls. There are tub bars that fit on the edge of the tub to help getting in and out.

I worked with Visiting Nurses and I was in charge of the durable loan closet. I helped my GF set up her apt bathroom to make things easier for her. Her apt was not handicapped accessible.

First thing I did was get her a shower chair, handheld shower head and a commode. With the commode I took off the back bracket and slid the commode over the toilet. Instead of a bucket, you use a splatter shield. The legs of the commode can be adjusted to fit over the bowl of the toilet. What is great is you have the arms of the commode to help you get up and down and stability with the legs. For her tub, I went to the dollar store and found a plastic cup/toothbrush holder that held her bottle of shampoo/body wash and razors. A soap dish and another cup holder. All with suction cups. I put them where she could reach them sitting down. There are holders for the handheld shower heads so you can have them within reach while sitting. But I took two of those 3M hooks shaped like candycanes, placing them side by side and layed the handle in them within her reach. Those hooks are good for placing wash cloths on. I have seen hooks inside hotel showers hung away from the shower spray so the towel is right there.

Its sounds to me you would have no problem washing yourself if you had a shower chair. Then all you would have to do is wrap a towel around you till you got into the shower. She leaves, you remove it, and bathe yourself. Hope my suggestions help.

Dr. Jack's answer was great!!

Some thin cotton boxers would work too. My DH had a problem with female nurses and he wanted ME to help him all the time. It just wasn't feasible and usually I'd wind up soaking wet, at the hospital with him and looking like a wet dog. Also he's 15" taller than me--should he have slipped---gosh I can't think how bad that would have been.

At home, DH had a shower chair. He could sit on that and let the hot water sluice over him until it ran cold. His showers were something he looked forward to--lying in bed a lot..you feel so stanky.

If this continues, simply request a male bathing aide. This is a VERY common dynamic. You need to focus on getting better and you don't need any stress added to what is already going to be a challenge.

Grandma1954 has a fabulous idea with that shower chair, if you are able to lower down to it and back up. Commode chairs with the potty bucket removed work well if you need arms. I think that the important thing is to develop a bit of humor and let your aid know. Just tell her you recognize you have nothing new to show her, but you are unused to being naked in front of strangers, and you feel uncomfortable. She will reassure you, and will make use of any tips SHE has. A towel pinned around your waist will not prevent your getting clean, and will only result in a sopping wet towel, if that's any comfort. Wishing you good luck. The fact that being a nurse meant there was nothing I could be impressed with on any human body, or even much curious about, didn't mean that my male patients felt the same, and I always recognized that, always spoke with patients who required such help as catheterization, etc before the procedure, both about the procedure and their comfort level.

A few suggestions to try first.
Have you tried a bench seat or chair in the shower?
I used to get used walkers from resale stores to put in the shower for my Husband. He would use them to steady himself.
Place secure grab bars in the shower or tub so that you can hold on to something secure. (If you have a shower with sliding shower doors I suggest you remove them and use a shower rod and curtain. It is so easy to grab hold of the towel bar for support if you need it and they are not meant for support. Also if you slip the shower doors could shatter. Granted they are, most of them, tempered glass or plastic, so the risk of cutting yourself with glass is minimal.)

But getting to your aide. This is her JOB. Unless she has done anything that makes you feel uncomfortable let her help you. If you feel very strongly about it can you request a male aid 2 or 3 days a week and he can help you. Or would you feel uncomfortable with a male aide?
YOU do what YOU feel comfortable doing. But just remember this is just her job.

Most people I've known with hip replacements are expected to be able to walk and dress themselves so other than ensuring that someone is there to keep an eye on you so you don't fall I'm not sure that her assistance is really needed. Get a shower chair so you don't have to stand, and wear your shorts or a towel until you are seated and she has drawn the curtain. Other than that you just need to get over it, modesty has no place in healthcare.

Doing as much as you can yourself will help. Aide just does the places you cannot reach - I'm guessing lower legs & backside. Just be matter-of-fact about it. A handheld shower attachment can be very useful too.

I remember being so shy being washed when in hospital as a 20yr old! The nurses being so business-like helped. They explained they truly saw naked people every single working day - it was a non-issue to them. I imagine most aides would be similar.

Good luck for your hip surgery when it happens. You will probably be washed in bed the first day in hospital, then assisted to wash until independent again too. You'll be so fine with all that by then 😃.

Hello YOUNG man I am a 68 yr old survivor of 4th stage colon cancer, a 4 month coma with a constant 106 degree fever, sepsis... I am a Dr of Hypnotherapy , MS in Psychology & MA Education. I assist many people in need.
I have a great idea!!!! Wear a pair of basketball like shorts, No zippers...10bucks at Walmart. You do the washing of your privates as you sit on a stool!!!! I had to go through that stuff & learn to walk again, button my shirts, put on clothes, tie shoes LOL I am blessed ,Your new Buddy Jack Take care my Friend! God will Help You! & I will 2 IF u Want!

John - I understand completely. As a woman, I always prefer female doctors to perform any intimate exams on me. I'd cringe if I had to have a male doctor work on me.

In your situation, your first choice would be to request a male aide on days that you need a bath.

If a male aide is not available, then you only have one choice left, let the female aide helps you bathe. She has no problem and is comfortable helping you. Maybe, after one or two times, you, too, will feel comfortable having her help.

Your choice should never be taking a bath on your own without help, or forgoing baths.

Also, you should really have a shower chair in the tub so you can sit. Don't risk falling, it's dangerous.

Wishing you a speedy recovery, so you can be independent again.