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I have a female health-aide who is married and 60. I am a 62-year-old male. I feel somewhat uncomfortable about her helping me bathe because I need a total left-hip replacement and it is hard for me to stand up in the shower to bathe, she has no problem with it, I just feel uncomfortable about it. What should I do, should I let her help me anyways or what?

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John - I understand completely. As a woman, I always prefer female doctors to perform any intimate exams on me. I'd cringe if I had to have a male doctor work on me.

In your situation, your first choice would be to request a male aide on days that you need a bath.

If a male aide is not available, then you only have one choice left, let the female aide helps you bathe. She has no problem and is comfortable helping you. Maybe, after one or two times, you, too, will feel comfortable having her help.

Your choice should never be taking a bath on your own without help, or forgoing baths.

Also, you should really have a shower chair in the tub so you can sit. Don't risk falling, it's dangerous.

Wishing you a speedy recovery, so you can be independent again.
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Hello YOUNG man I am a 68 yr old survivor of 4th stage colon cancer, a 4 month coma with a constant 106 degree fever, sepsis... I am a Dr of Hypnotherapy , MS in Psychology & MA Education. I assist many people in need.
I have a great idea!!!! Wear a pair of basketball like shorts, No zippers...10bucks at Walmart. You do the washing of your privates as you sit on a stool!!!! I had to go through that stuff & learn to walk again, button my shirts, put on clothes, tie shoes LOL I am blessed ,Your new Buddy Jack Take care my Friend! God will Help You! & I will 2 IF u Want!
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Doing as much as you can yourself will help. Aide just does the places you cannot reach - I'm guessing lower legs & backside. Just be matter-of-fact about it. A handheld shower attachment can be very useful too.

I remember being so shy being washed when in hospital as a 20yr old! The nurses being so business-like helped. They explained they truly saw naked people every single working day - it was a non-issue to them. I imagine most aides would be similar.

Good luck for your hip surgery when it happens. You will probably be washed in bed the first day in hospital, then assisted to wash until independent again too. You'll be so fine with all that by then 😃.
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Most people I've known with hip replacements are expected to be able to walk and dress themselves so other than ensuring that someone is there to keep an eye on you so you don't fall I'm not sure that her assistance is really needed. Get a shower chair so you don't have to stand, and wear your shorts or a towel until you are seated and she has drawn the curtain. Other than that you just need to get over it, modesty has no place in healthcare.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
He said he needs a "total left-hip replacement and it is hard for me to stand up in the shower", so he isn't there yet...
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A few suggestions to try first.
Have you tried a bench seat or chair in the shower?
I used to get used walkers from resale stores to put in the shower for my Husband. He would use them to steady himself.
Place secure grab bars in the shower or tub so that you can hold on to something secure. (If you have a shower with sliding shower doors I suggest you remove them and use a shower rod and curtain. It is so easy to grab hold of the towel bar for support if you need it and they are not meant for support. Also if you slip the shower doors could shatter. Granted they are, most of them, tempered glass or plastic, so the risk of cutting yourself with glass is minimal.)

But getting to your aide. This is her JOB. Unless she has done anything that makes you feel uncomfortable let her help you. If you feel very strongly about it can you request a male aid 2 or 3 days a week and he can help you. Or would you feel uncomfortable with a male aide?
YOU do what YOU feel comfortable doing. But just remember this is just her job.
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Grandma1954 has a fabulous idea with that shower chair, if you are able to lower down to it and back up. Commode chairs with the potty bucket removed work well if you need arms. I think that the important thing is to develop a bit of humor and let your aid know. Just tell her you recognize you have nothing new to show her, but you are unused to being naked in front of strangers, and you feel uncomfortable. She will reassure you, and will make use of any tips SHE has. A towel pinned around your waist will not prevent your getting clean, and will only result in a sopping wet towel, if that's any comfort. Wishing you good luck. The fact that being a nurse meant there was nothing I could be impressed with on any human body, or even much curious about, didn't mean that my male patients felt the same, and I always recognized that, always spoke with patients who required such help as catheterization, etc before the procedure, both about the procedure and their comfort level.
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Dr. Jack's answer was great!!

Some thin cotton boxers would work too. My DH had a problem with female nurses and he wanted ME to help him all the time. It just wasn't feasible and usually I'd wind up soaking wet, at the hospital with him and looking like a wet dog. Also he's 15" taller than me--should he have slipped---gosh I can't think how bad that would have been.

At home, DH had a shower chair. He could sit on that and let the hot water sluice over him until it ran cold. His showers were something he looked forward to--lying in bed a lot..you feel so stanky.

If this continues, simply request a male bathing aide. This is a VERY common dynamic. You need to focus on getting better and you don't need any stress added to what is already going to be a challenge.
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I am surprised that the aide has not recommended a shower chair. Their are many types. If you have a combo tub/shower, there are chairs that go over the side of the tub. You sit on the chair and slide over and slide out. Then there are hand held showers heads (and u can purchase longer hoses than provided) to help you bathe. There are also suction bars you can place on the walls. There are tub bars that fit on the edge of the tub to help getting in and out.

I worked with Visiting Nurses and I was in charge of the durable loan closet. I helped my GF set up her apt bathroom to make things easier for her. Her apt was not handicapped accessible.

First thing I did was get her a shower chair, handheld shower head and a commode. With the commode I took off the back bracket and slid the commode over the toilet. Instead of a bucket, you use a splatter shield. The legs of the commode can be adjusted to fit over the bowl of the toilet. What is great is you have the arms of the commode to help you get up and down and stability with the legs. For her tub, I went to the dollar store and found a plastic cup/toothbrush holder that held her bottle of shampoo/body wash and razors. A soap dish and another cup holder. All with suction cups. I put them where she could reach them sitting down. There are holders for the handheld shower heads so you can have them within reach while sitting. But I took two of those 3M hooks shaped like candycanes, placing them side by side and layed the handle in them within her reach. Those hooks are good for placing wash cloths on. I have seen hooks inside hotel showers hung away from the shower spray so the towel is right there.

Its sounds to me you would have no problem washing yourself if you had a shower chair. Then all you would have to do is wrap a towel around you till you got into the shower. She leaves, you remove it, and bathe yourself. Hope my suggestions help.
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DrBenshir Dec 2020
I am a little concerned that his aid has not suggested this to him. Is she a CNA or GNA? Or just a general household assistant?
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Is this only about privacy and dignity, or do you also have concerns about the female aide being physically able to support you safely?

I'm assuming that the lady is a trained professional health-aide. In that case, she will certainly have done practical and written courses in "Moving and Manual Handling" and will know how to support you when you are stepping into the shower, sitting down on the shower chair or bath board, standing and balancing to wash, and getting out again. Nothing more than average strength is required for any of this - it's pretty much a rule for caregivers that if you're using any great force or muscle power, you're doing it wrong.

If it is a matter of privacy and dignity, and you are uncomfortable with a female assisting your personal care, the best thing you can do is tell her that you feel uncomfortable. Once she is aware of your feelings, she can take extra care throughout the routine so that you hardly notice she's there.

But this is completely your choice. If having a female present is not acceptable to you then neither the aide nor her agency/employer should object to your requesting a male aide for personal care.
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Hi! There are two sorts of shower chairs and stools, one with a flat seat and one with a seat like a toilet seat. I’ve just used the latter for the first time ever – I had an eye operation and found it hard to wash my hair in the shower with my eyes closed and my balance a bit wobbly, so we dragged out MIL’s old toilet raiser chair. I could easily wash the smelly bits myself through the hole in the seat, and nothing much below the waist got displayed.

Please remember that all of us have one of only two complementary sets of smelly bits, and most of us have years of experience of navigating the other set that we don’t have ourselves. I probably lost qualms as a teenager having to strip frequently for doctors to see my full length curvy spine, but now I get far more concerned about whether other people are embarrassed, than being embarrassed myself. Be brave!
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Please explain what makes you uncomfortable.

I definitely agree with others on getting a chair for your shower.
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A lot of you are advising to ask for a male aide - although it is becoming more common for men to go into this line of work they are still scarce in my neck of the woods, I very much doubt there are any at all employed by our local home care agency.
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Are you sure, CW? Remember, you weren't looking for one at the time. Of course I don't know but I think you might be surprised.
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I have worked in the medical field most of my life. I really understand how this is uncomfortable for you. Let me tell you the perspective of your aide. Each person an aide works with is an individual and that is respected. But when it comes to the person’s body one is just like another. I was not an aide, I was in Occupational therapy and helped many, many people with their personal hygiene. We look at the person’s body to do the job but a body is just that and we have to care for it. If you like your aide please try to become more comfortable with her helping you. Aides are paid very little and every person on her case load helps her keep her bills to be paid. And by all means if at all possible get a shower bench and grab bars.
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DonnaF777 Dec 2020
absolutely love your advice. Aides are paid very little and if you ask for someone else, there goes her income. All these medical field people are or should be professional. This is what they do... and we... I am one of them, and we think nothing of it actually... the bathing and everything else that needs to be done to "make you feel clean and wonderful". You can talk to your aide about how to best get this done. She just may have some great ideas for you.... shower chair.... grab bars......she may not want to lose this job so "ask her" please ??? Now... if you don't care for this aide, you do need to ask for someone else otherwise, be open to her....ask her advice. She most likely can give you some great advice! The thing is... people think differently and we cannot read your minds. What some people like us to do, others do not so..... speak. Tell her. When my patients have done that to me, I am so relieved because then I know what is on their mind and they are telling me what their needs are. Again... we can't read your minds and what someone likes, someone else does not.
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Hello

Anyone would be uncomfortable , I mean the last time someone bathed me I was a child .
You do however, need the help .
Possible solutions :

Wear loose boxer briefs or thin shorts in the shower to cover your modesty while you bathe your private area .
The waist must fit snug but the legs must be short ( upper thigh) and roomy so you can reach up and in . You can then have a towel tied around your waist at the end and drop the briefs in the shower to be laundered.

Simply tell her . A health aide is someone who has to develop a close relationship with you not only in proximity but emotionally so they look out for what's best in your case . Be honest , keep it light , and see what she says .

Invest in a bathing chair. You can sit comfortably in the shower and reach everything well. Get something to put the towel on right outside the shower so she can then come in and help you stand to exit .

Please remember, though this is an unusual experience for you, she presumably has dealt with this sort of thing before .
Don't be afraid to speak your mind . It's all about keeping you happy and safe while you wait for your surgery.
Best of luck to you and a speedy recovery.
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You might request a male shower aide. Usually there are male aides available.
If not, tell her you are uncomfortable. Sometimes just verbalizing this feeling helps. After a few showers, it should get better. If after a few, it doesn't, this person is the wrong shower aide.
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If the aide is a "professional" she will not object at all if you request a male for showering assistance. It is the rare woman indeed who would be comfortable with a male assisting them taking a shower and as such any woman who thinks you should just accept a female aide is applying a double standard. However, double standards is the norm within healthcare when it comes to male patient modesty & dignity vs female patient comfort and dignity. Do not be made to feel guilty. Female patients don't feel guilty asking for female staff for such things. Your comfort is just as valid and important as theirs.
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Have you looked into getting a walk in tub where you can sit and enjoy either a shower, regular bath, or hydrotherapy. They are so wonderful! You might also give the aide's agency a call and ask what they suggest in those situations. I am sure it is a common concern.
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Just close your eyes and enjoy the bath time and all the uneasiness will soon come to pass, be thankful that some one has taken the time to help you........... relax relax relax
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Yes let her help you. It may be rough at first and take some getting used to. You will probably become more comfortable with it as time goes by. Not sure how much assistance u need, she could primarily help u get in and out of tub and be present yet look away while u wash yourself? Also try shower puffs or sponges ☺️ instead of a wash rag if she actually washes you. It's alot less personal and you cover more area much faster. I have a tool with a long handle and puff on end that I use with my mom. I can wash her whole body with it in a few mins and she does her private areas on her own. Perhaps try that and cover your private areas with a rag while she assists with other areas.
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Do you have a shower chair? You could sit on the shower chair with a washcloth draped over your lap. She can help you with washing as needed but you can wash your privates. Would that help?
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If she is professional kind gentle & caring & you feel safe you are blessed. No need to feel strange CNAs do this often and see all kinds of males & females & its part of the job. No worries...give it time. Let her know you feel weird Im sure she will put you at ease start a conversation while bathing it will get your mind off the awkwardness you feel...
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DonnaF777 Dec 2020
HI.... I am female, 67 years old I have been a home health aide for almost 30 years. Also was an LPN. So....I used to feel "very uncomfortable" when it came to being nude even in front of other girls during school, in front of my mother, etc. Anyone. But.. over the years I realized.... everyone is really the same. Now... I don't purposely go around nude but, when the situation calls for it, I take my clothes off and in more than one way, "bare it".

You don't say that you cannot stand up in the shower... just that you need hip replacement and is hard for you to do?

Maybe some other things that will help you?
1. Could it be the age of the woman that is bathing you is the problem? You are too close in age? Well... get someone who is younger. You have every right to ask for someone else. Right now, I take care of a gentleman who is my age and he will NOT allow me to bathe him or "see his private parts". He lets the others younger than me do the bathing.
2. You could wear undies while bathing and when it comes time for your "privates" to be washed... people usually have a problem with the front but not the back so.... she stands towards the back and you wash the front while she washes your buttocks. Would this help?
3. Or... keep a towel over your privates. I have had men especially do this when they are uncomfortable. Even if you have to sit while cleaning your privates, you can wash the front yourself, right?
4. Another way.... while sitting on the toilet. Especially if you have a sink close by, get the water from the sink, fill a large, (plastic) glass with water and while sitting back on toilet, pour water down front. Wash front, rinse and dry. Sit towards front of toilet and do the same for the backside. You can wash the front with soapy water while she gloves and washes, rinses and dries your backside.

I hope this helps. Also... FYI....here is what many could use..... those pads that women use for their periods. Men should get some and try this..... take a pad and use one in the front to catch urine. Some men wrap a pad around their penis at night? This way, your "depends" for the most part will stay dry. Much easier to just change a pad than a depends and less expensive, too!!!!

God bless you all. Be safe

I have bathed hundreds of people over my 30 years and think nothing of it. Just a part of care... a part of life. The goal is to "GET YOU CLEAN AND FEELING GREAT!".
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go to www.bodywashaid.com for easy answer. U can clean yourself.
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Even if modesty has no place in health care, sensitivity does. One time when I was in the hospital, two young nursing aides, male ands female, came in and said they were to bathe me, a 75 yr old, overwiehgt woman. I said no as I was going to be released that day and could bathe myself at home. The couple looked at each other and giggled.
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Countrymouse Dec 2020
I hope you made a formal complaint. Those two should have had their silly heads knocked together (metaphorically speaking, of course).
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I would feel uncomfortable too.

You have two choices.

Dissues your feelings with her and she should be able to come up with something.

#1 You get a Male Aide to help you on the days you take a shower/bath.

#2. You wear your underwear in the shower/bath or have your privates covered with a towel at all times.

Just like getting a massage, you privates are never exposed.
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This must be a joke !!!!!get a male aide....
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tf110862 Dec 2020
Agreed!
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I was a medical assistant and I worked in a family practice. If you need help take it, trust me when I tell you that to the aide it is just part of her job.

I used to have to give injections and I had so many men uncomfortable about showing their rear end. I told them I don’t look at your rear as a whole, just the one upper quadrant I am injecting. They always felt better the next time around.

you will become more comfortable over time. My Dad used to hate getting bathed. He is almost 94 and now his favorite aid is female. If anyone else has to bathe him he will say they don’t give a bath like his regular aid.

good luck with your future surgery
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2020
As a former MA in oncology and as xray tech and also did physical therapy for a chiropractor, you are so right. I have no qualms about helping someone who needs help. To me its just skin. Most people who have never worked in the medical field don’t understand that we dont look at a patient as a sexual being, but a human being who needs a littl help, bathing, injections, therapy or whatever. Hope you have a blessed holiday. Liz
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Wear an apron. It works! Tell your aide you are uncomfortable and would prefer to wear an apron. You can wash well underneath it. You can use any apron - a fun one if you like humour, one with a duck on it say, or you can use a modesty apron which you can buy from bathing aids sites.
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I don’t blame you as it’s a natural feeling. I had to care for my elderly father and he needed a great deal of assistance with everything including showers. I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled at first but we both came to accept it as something that had to be done. As his daughter I simply looked at him as the object of my care in the same way I do when I change my grandkids diapers. I think healthcare workers see so many bodies they loose their shyness about it quickly. It’s the object of their care and nothing more. If you understand how your helper looks at it, it may help you feel more comfortable. I think the suggestions about a privacy apron are a good idea too!
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Imo, you should let her help you anyway and. say absolutely nothing. None of this wearing an apron or changing aids to different sex.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2020
If a man or a woman is uncomfortable with someone of the opposite sex helping them with personal care in their home, then they should not have that. Care being done for a person in their house is different than when it's in a clinical setting like the hospital or nursing home. If someone is not comfortable in the home with their CNA, they need a new one.
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