I feel soooo worn out and alone. What can I do to improve my non-existent life?

Please contact the national Alzheimer’s group. They can offer so much help and they will get you in touch with the group in your state. I feel like we are in a similar situation. This helped me. I participate in a Friday morning zoom support group. These are my Friday Family. It is the most helpful thing I’ve done for myself. Please try and find something just for you. Take a walk, yoga, meditation, whatever interests you’ve had in the past. If you’re not healthy, you’re no good for anyone. Take care and know that you’re not alone.

I felt like you for quite awhile as I cared for my father in hospice who had AZ late stage. I was showing all the signs of classic depression. Meds were not something I wanted & therapy would be beneficial, but I saw that as my second option. My answer to find a little more joy in my life was to get a baby schnauzer! Many would discourage this b/c it’s another obligation and responsibility to take on. For me my little “Angel” was a god send. Her unconditional love and cute spunky playfulness was incredible! I took her for walks which got me out too. You can now take a dog to classes again & meet smaller groups of people! This does nothing to help your situation with family members, but it might just make your soul smile! Good luck- find joy- you deserve it!!

Dear Caregiverhelp11,
Like you, I have felt lonely and isolated and abandoned because of my decision to care for MIL.
I chose to reach for happiness through Jesus. I go through my day expressing gratefulness for every little thing; thank you God for this coffee, it sure tastes good! Thank you God for this sunshine, it is so beautiful! Thank you God for this rain, it is so refreshing! Thank you God for my family memories, I sure had a good time when I was six...
At first, it is hard, because my heart was breaking. I felt I had lost so much.
But after awhile, I lost sight of the loss, and happiness crept back in. Soon, I was able to experience the "peace that passes all understanding" and "His unspeakable joy!"
It is kinda like Peter walking on water. As long as his eye was on Jesus, he did it! When Peter started thinking about his circumstances, he sank.
When your eye is on Jesus, you'll see more clearly the path you should take. A path that will lead to fulfillment, happiness, and purpose.

Sounds a lot like my situation over the past 3 years. Any employment opportunities would require me to relocate at my own expense for a contract job that is 1-3 months of work, low ball pay scale & no benefits (or whatever the lowball pay would get me started for benefits only to have to cancel them in a few months). No reason to relocate to be unemployed in 3 months or less. So the caregiver role was society's way of crapping on me. I don't regret what I did for Dad, it is Father's Day and I've had fond memories prior to today and even continuing this early. Just disappointed in the rest of the human race at this point. The agency, I'm just billable revenue for them. Their clients aren't any better as employers. The inflation were getting is just more of their greed & gouging. They didn't miss a paycheck during the pandemic, looking for ways to get even more on the recovery/back end.

All this down time, there's no way anyone would ever earn that back, so the job description is a laundry list of what they need from several roles and they aren't even offering the payscale of a single role. I'm not going to promise to do it all, when it's obvious the position they are trying to fill has been recycled for decades. Some of these job descriptions they've been using and editing for years on end. Too funny, the local government attached a pdf for the job description to be downloaded. Someone was too lazy to clear the metadata of the original pdf. Turns out a county in FL, USA, several open positions that are temporary hires, have outright stolen the entire job description from another county in TN, USA. All they did was change the county name and logo.

There are finally resources online for single childless (not by choice) and childfree (by choice) women. If you look at them you'll see you're not alone, there is nothing wrong with you and at least you can get some camaraderie from people who've had your experience - some even have local groups that are starting to meet in person again.

If you are the least bit religious join a church and you will find many similar people you can connect with. Also, meetup.com is a great way to meet people casually. Or, join the YMCA to get some exercise, free with Medicare.

If you are a social person and enjoy being around others I suggest getting a job in retail. You will be around all types of other employees as well as customers. This will provide multiple advantages. Social aspect, kill time, make some money, give you a routine. Who knows, maybe you will make some friends. If you can find someplace close to home you could even walk there and incorporate some exercise.
that’s another thing I would suggest - exercise is the best medicine. Just adding a daily walk will give you some much needed joy. Don’t give up. You are in a rut and this will pass but you need to make an effort to step out of it. If you can afford counselling it will be beneficial.

Take the challenge to read the Bible every day and listen to what God says to you!

I have to agree that you are exhibiting classic signs of depression. I know because I have had clinical depression in the past. The feeling that nothing will get better, the loss of interest in activities, the isolation. I strongly encourage you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as possible so you can be properly diagnosed. The preferred treatment is talk therapy and medication. This does not mean you have to be on medication the rest of your life. It is to help you during your current situation. It may take some time to find the right medication or combination of medicines that are effective for you. Don’t give up. Things can and will get better. I was so depressed I attempted suicide, because I thought I was a burden to my family. That was 15 years ago. I have since had the joy of seeing 2 of my sons get married and I now have 7 grandchildren whom I adore. Hope is very hard to hold on to when you feels so bad, but please seek immediate treatment and eventually hope will return. If you need to talk, I am available. Bless you on your journey to recovery.

Great things don't come from comfort zones! Get out, get moving, get busy!

Sounds like you are depressed. Please seek professional help.

Many people have felt this way during Covid. Caretakers feel this way after losing a parent. Put them together and your loneliness feels exponential.

Feeling a little down is normal. Unless it is necessary, avoid adding your name to the millions on anti-depressive medications, which may dull your emotions (and potentially make you feel worse overall) while at the same time causing a litany of side effects.

Don’t despair! Your future friends are out there, waiting to meet you and feeling lonely too.

Forget about the siblings and relatives that haven’t extended any return invitations. You’ve made your effort there- apparently this isn’t the greatest “investment” of your time - so let that go, while feeling satisfied, knowing you’ve done your best. Lots of us have found that once the bond that held us together (our parents) is gone, we really don’t have that much in common with our siblings.

Rather than joining groups to meet people, join groups because you love the underlying activity. That way, you’ll meet the “right” people for you who share the same interests. If you feel like you’ve already done this, keep trying. Focus on the activity (not the people) and the friends will fall into place.

Remember to appreciate the gift of time alone. There are many people reading your question who may be envious of your ability to have the time for a good book or your ability to control the remote. (I haven’t been able to “really” choose a program for about 18 years-during normal “waking” hours). There are plenty of horrible marriages, abusive parent-adult child relationships and overscheduled calendars. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but don’t forget it is nice and green (to everyone else) right where you’re standing.

This is the perfect time to reinitiate life: start a book club, create an urban hiking club, or revitalize a bunko group in the neighborhood. If you organize others, you will be part of their loneliness solution.

if you don’t have a pet, they can be wonderful and entertaining companions!

Personally I have found it very rewarding to work on charity projects in my community. (These will fill your calendar fast)! When life has fully reopened, there will be no shortage of schools and shelters, religious institutions, and even hospitals that would appreciate your time and talents. In the meantime, drop off dinner to someone undergoing surgery or newly mourning. It will make you (and them) feel better.

I stopped wishing I could talk to my siblings about the crises I managed the best I could while they enjoyed their lives. I tried to keep my mom independent but it was a sinking ship the whole time, I now realize. One of my siblings shut me up right quick with "Don't tell me how to grieve" when I dared mention things that had happened, and the other had simply cut off relations with her years ago and was uninterested. Both argued, when I used to open up to them, that their problems superseded all else. 

So I understand what others glibly call depression here. All the wise expressions in the world (let go and let god, grant me the wisdom to know the difference, etc.) do nothing to lift the crushing burden of sad memories and of being born into a dysfunctional family. There *are* functional families - - I've seen them in action. But mine is a far cry, a muffled whimper, from how things could have or should have been. 

I agree with another here that moderate exercise can help, though. As for drugs, I don't know that course but imagine you're on them for the rest of your life, which doesn't sound like a solution. I also agree with others who say get *involved* in something out there -- a p/t job, volunteering, etc. For sure you have the right to be happy. From what you've said here, you've earned it.

It sounds like you need to take care of you. Check in your County to see if they have any Social Services that include Caretaker Support. They may offer activities for those who would participate, but more importantly, they may provide you with a counselor who will help you deal with your feelings of isolation. You are important, you are worthy, you are a nice person. Love yourself, and don't worry about the others. We all have our share of tragedies and illnesses. Some folks handle it better than others. You don't have to carry anyone else's burdens, so concentrate on yourself for now. Healthy eating, social engagement for fun things, long walks or other forms of exercise. Heal yourself now, and give yourself as much time as you need to begin to reclaim your joy. Be well, and be happy.

Caregiverhelp11: I, too, was once struggling after two of my good friends passed away. Perhaps you can find friends on social network sites. Attempt to keep your mind occupied. Best wishes.

I am so sorry to read this. I get this! I worry I too will end up in the same circumstance as you when my mom passes. She is 88. My life is my moms life at the moment. She is out of memory care and in an assisted living building but requires a lot of attention from me to stay reasonably happy. At 70 I am single. My only child lives far away. A sibling is busy with his life. What I have done is join a church and force myself to attend weekly. I even joined church committees. I moved myself into a retirement community {sold my condo}…I now live in a high rise apartment building where I am forced to interact with others. I go to the onsite gym every week day…another interaction with people. I too could stay in my house and be online or watch TV but I know that is not healthy for a long life. You might benefit from an antidepressant. I really believe being depressed after a parent dies, especially when you were the caregiver is expected. I hope you can slowly climb out of this lonely place.. God Bless you..

I feel for you do you like animals? I wasn’t a cat person but on my own and took in a stray cat and it was the best decision in my life I love her to bits and they are great company or if you don’t like cats a dog? Why don’t you try volunteering that way you get to meet people and get involved with different things I’ve always said when I retire I will volunteer for an animal shelter honestly it’s worth a try

Caregiverhelp11, I hear you loud and clear. My parents have passed and I too am alone and seeking healthy Christian friendships. Feel free to contact me and we can chat. You are not alone.

You said one sibling doesn't want to bothered by anyone elses "issues". Your siblings should not be expected to fix your "issues". It would be nice if they were willing to help, but they are not. It is now up to you to fix your own "issues". Perhaps your siblings are avoiding you due to do any negativity you project...even if it is unintentional? You really should seek medical help. I've been diagnosed with situational depression so I empathize with you and don't judge you.

You say you want to join events but then"back out". Sometimes the brain does not allow us to fulfill our desires (pysically or psychologically). Then you feel guilt and more depressed because you backed out and feel defeated. I think if you see a doctor and let some meds "kick in" you will be in a better frame of mind to start exercising or attending events. If you are adverse to taking meds, think of it as a temporary fix...until you feel more like yourself then see if your and doctor can wean off.

Your family has stepped away from you. That is hard. Stop reaching out to them because you will, in all likelihood, continue to be disappointed. As you said, "...they don't want to bother with anyone else's issues." If you are so inclined, send birthday and holiday cards but put the ball in their court to pick up the phone.

Reaching out on this forum means that you want help. We all need help and human connection! This is a supportive community of caring people.

There are lots of places in the community where you can go. I love my library and go there to read the newspapers, browse the new books, and borrow movies and music. Talk to the librarian about your interests and they can help you discover a whole new world. Maybe interacting one-on-one is less of a commitment than groups right now.

Learning something new can help. Check your local paper for businesses that offer classes in something that piques your interest. Pottery? Painting? Jewelry making?

Do you have a pet? If not, do you want a pet?? If you can't have a pet, volunteering at an animal shelter is rewarding.

Make an effort every day to be kind to yourself and treat yourself well. Go for a walk. Take a bubble bath. Have a cup of herbal or fruit tea before bed. Finding little bits of pleasure in doing ordinary things for yourself because you are the most important person in your life!

Everybody has had a mental health impairment with COVID-19. So feeling a bit like a "shut-in" or "cabin fever" or "depressed" is very understandable. Not everybody is ready to resume normal life either. So, be gentle with yourself and others while all of society "resets".

In the meantime, do things to connect with others that ARE ready to connect. Get a part time job that you would enjoy. Find a group people with similar interests and meet with them. Maybe consider meeting with a counsellor if you feel "stuck". Maybe try out going to a worship service.

As most people her has suggested you may be suffering from depression. Maybe you should schedule a physical and then talk to your doctor about how you are doing. Also I would suggest church. It is a great way to meet friends and just be around people who care. I wish you well and will be praying for you. I know it’s hard life is at times but it will get better.

I don't think it's depression, it sounds like a temporary loss of purpose and lack of human interraction. Get a part-time job where you must interract with lots of different people. You'll have a place you have to go outside your home, you'll be busy, and the human contact and labor will energize you and take you out of yourself. It worked for me, I highly recommend it.

I wouldn't start with medication. I would start with a re-integration into society. See if there is a dementia caregiver support group in your area. Maybe start by going to the gym . Take a yoga or spin class. Lift weights and talk to people working out around you. check out the library for a book club.
That will probably help lift some of the depression. If it doesn't then you should go see someone about depression.

I think the covid year pushed a lot of people into extreme isolation, regardless of being an introvert or extrovert, because the social habits we once had were gone. I'm learning about humanistic theory and self-actualization in school right now and this week the prof shared this video. https://youtu.be/OKJImnk-gzQ

I had no idea the actor Matthew McChonaughey was giving inspirational speeches but he has a knack for it. It's only 5 minutes long. He says that while achieving a fulfilling life is difficult, there are some first steps we can take.

When I was at my lowest point during caregiving, I watched many motivational/inspirational seminars. Even if I couldn't achieve all the things these successful people were talking about, I got a big mental boost from watching the videos and started crawling back towards life. Can you put something uplifting on? Humans are amazing and we can come back from darn near anything.

You may need medication, or supplements, for physical or psychiatric symptoms and reaching out for help determining that would be a good first step, too.

My heart goes out to you since I have experienced anxiety and depression. As others have suggested, talk to your doctor; medication can truly make a difference. A good counselor can help, too. I am using BetterHelp.com. You can choose phone, email or FaceTime sessions. My counselor is perfect for me. Also, I have decided we have to create our own family. Depending on our blood relatives can sometimes be disappointing! The following has helped me:
1. Give medication time to work.
2. Do simple exercise like walking each day.
3. Write out on paper what you would like your life to look like. Read it every week.
4. Do something for yourself; new shoes; new haircut; new bedding, etc..
5. Push yourself to go to one social event. Reward yourself afterwards…even if you had a miserable time.
6. Get involved in a job or volunteer program where you are helping others less fortunate.
7. Remember that isolation is not healthy for your mind.
I know these seem overwhelming when you are alone and in the routine of little contact with the outside world. It’s so much easier to give into depressive thoughts than to go out. Just do one of the seven a day (well… take any meds daily!). If I can do this… anyone can. I’m already so impressed that you reached out on this forum! I’m excited to hear back from you! You can do this! Warmly ~ Sunny ☀️

It sounds as if your are depressed and/or still grieving. I was pretty much locked up in my house for the last year only going out for essentials or making an emergency delivery to my mom's AL facility. I also still have a problem getting outside - but have been doing better lately - though I still sit around in my SOMA Jammies on days I don't leave the house. I myself have suffered anxiety most of my life mixed in with occurrences of depression on and off. It can paralyze you.

You really should see a therapist to help you move forward - if you have a computer you may be able to telehealth it - baby steps. You need to take care of yourself because you are worth caring for. Take some time to pamper yourself. Just sitting on my deck in the shade reading makes me feel better.

I spent most of the last year trying to get back to quilting and reading but I admit other than that I did very little.

Maybe after you feel better you can have a better relationship with your siblings - keep the door open.

May you be blessed.

As others have said, you first must deal with your depression. I don't believe you realize it, but that's what is preventing you from improving your "non-existent life."
Will it take some hard work on your part? You betcha! But it will be so worth it when you make the effort.
Only you can make the changes needed to improve your life, not your brothers. They have their own lives to worry about.
So get out of your recliner, call your Dr. to make an appointment for your depression, or schedule appt. with therapist(or both), and get out there and start enjoying your life. Life is way too short and precious, to waste it staying in your house all day.
Once you get to feeling more like your old self with medication and some therapy, there will be no stopping you. Wishing you happy trails ahead.

I agree with those who said that family is just that, family. You didn't choose them and if they are disappointing you at every turn, move on from them. Don't shut them out completely but leave the ball in their court. If they want to see you let them phone you and make plans. That's what I've done with my family. I don't allow them to dictate or disappoint me anymore.

As for making your life more interesting. Only you can change this. I'm in the same boat in a way. I have a spouse but he's not my world. A lot of times we have different ideas of what is entertaining. We're not attached at the hip and sometimes I need to pursue my own interests. Sometimes it's just a matter of trial and error. Try something and if it doesn't float your boat, try something else. Sometimes something may not sound like your cup of tea but after a while you may grow to like it. I know covid restrictions makes this harder but hopefully these will lifted soon.

Good luck!

You, my dear, exhibit the classic signs of depression. Isolation, no
interest in anything, sitting all day. You must pull yourself up and see your doctor to describe your situation and feelings. Get on an antidepressant knowing it will take 3-4 weeks to show results. But you will begin to feel better. But also you MUST include some sessions of talk therapy along with that. Better days are ahead if you make the first steps. Right now depression is crippling any desire to change. I’ve been there and can attest to the power of doing both. We care. Please know life can improve. Then you can join groups and make contacts and friends. This is where a therapist can help you. Hugs