I feel so guilty about the things that I think about my mom's dementia. Can anyone relate?

I don't think you should feel bad. What you, (and of course your mother) are going through is tough, very tough. Don't beat yourself up. You are right to wish her to go home to heaven. You are in no way responsible for her condition.

If you are still feeling guilty, consider my case. I made a change to my mother's medicine, because I knew it was hurting her memory. (It was.) (I bypassed her doctor, who was convinced she had Altzheimers, and consulted a P.A. who I should have suspected was too inexperienced.) The change in my mother's medicine caused a heart attack, which after three weeks of living hell, killed her. She was completely functional up until the heart attack, driving and meeting friends at age 93. She trusted me. Now I will have to live the rest of my life with the thought that I killed my dear, sweet mother. So no, you haven't done anything wrong by wishing she would pass.

If you get a chance pray for me. I will say a prayer for you and your Mom.

I thought of you when I read this passage from "Knocking on Heaven's Door" by Katy Butler. Katy describes the troubles her mother experienced caring for her husband after his stroke when he experienced dementia, incontinence, general frailty and required full time care. Katy's mother asks her to help persuade physicians to deactivate her husband's pacemaker so that can die. Katy is reminded of Anton Chekhov, "...the writer and physician who died of tuberculosis in 1904 when he was only forty-four. 'Whenever there is someone in a family who has long been ill, and hopelessly ill,' he wrote, 'There come painful moments when all, timidly, secretly, at the bottom of their hearts long for his death.' A century afterward, my mother and I had come to long for the machine in my father's heart to fail." This book is an excellent memoir of the travails of end of life caretaking. There is no doubt that his wife and daughter love him. But there is also no doubt that his continued existence is a huge and painful burden to everyone.

My mother has dementia and she is so mean. I ask the Lord to take her too. But I know that this experience is building me up to have endurance and patience. Be glad she is in a facility. If she doesn't know if you're there or not, don't go as often. Set aside a day or two that you do visit and comb her hair, trim her nails etc. Think quality rather than quantity. I think the Lord takes their minds so dying is easier on them. They don't know what's going on, they are in their own little world.

My dad just passed and before he did, he responded well to music. His favorite was the old country music. When I put on his Ernest Tubb, he relaxed and I could see peace on his face. Try her favorite music.

Good luck to you sister in this journey.

Hello Crafty,

I am about to embark on this care journey for my mother. I read your post and others' responses and still want to give it a shot. I am an only child and I have always been there for my mom so I feel I can't stop now when she probably needs me most. I realize she is in the beginning stages of it because she still recognizes my entire family, but cannot keep new memories or experiences. She eats breakfast and forgets that she ate soon after. She moves into my dining room this coming week. I am relieved she isn't very far, but also very scared as to what's coming down the road in my/our care journey. I can't wait to hear tips from everyone.