My mum passed away 2 months ago of a massive heart attack and it was quite a shock. She had ongoing heart issues and heart disease managed with medications. She had a stroke 4 years ago and I was the one who found her in the shower and called an ambulance straight away so she was able to get clot recovery done and regained most movement.
My dad looked after her but then he had a heart attack and passed away 6 months later. Now, 4 years on, she has been doing ok but is frail and can't drive or go out on her own. Because of covid I moved back into her home to help out, take care of her and drive her to appointments while working from home.
Over the last 2 years I've worked alot overseas and so covid was a chance to spend quality time with her though I've had ongoing depression about being single and no kids at 35 and feeling like a failure. Working overseas I got used to having Ubereats and take away food alot and working long hours and late into the night meant I wasnt keen on cooking that often, so I feel like I brought my bad habits to mum's place and ordered food alot for both of us! I looked at my credit card statements and saw this was around 10 to 16 times a month!
Though there were many times these were healthy Vietnamese salad sometimes they were pizza or fried chicken! Now I feel like my takeaway addiction killed her and it's all my fault and if I was away from her she would probably still be alive! After seeing those statements I feel so sick and selfish that I didn't realise what I was doing. She saw her cardiologist in December 2019 and everything looked ok so they were shocked she had such a massive heart attack in August 2020, and now I believe it's all my fault and I'm to blame! I already felt like such a failure for not being married and providing any grandchildren, how do I reconcile this massive guilt and move forward?