I am 30 yrs old...my mother 59. I see so many posts here about our elderly parents. However, mostly they are around 80 or older. So i am so frustrated that i am the only one she depends on. I dont understand why she doesnt look for other outlets for doing her daily tasks. She doesnt even consider i have a small child, a husband, my own house to tend to. She makes me feel nothing i do is ever good enough. She is upset bc i dont want to ride her around all dy in the street. Well has she though t bout it is my time, my gas, and my money that is always put out. I feel i have no mother anymore as if i am mother and she daughter, and she enjoys it that way. I am thi king about moving away and not looking back. I have other siblings older sis dont want anything ro do with mom. It has been like 14yrs now, nothi. Oher one adopted bro but doesnt ever come around. Other bro is a drunk and no good. Other sis trying to further educate herself. I do understand tjat but i get scard i will have to do this the rest of moms life, 30 or so yrs. I cant i want morw for myself, a better job, a house, ge5 my education. I am young and i hve already been a care taker giver for my gma about 5 yrs ago. My son was anout 1 at time so it was hard changing both their pampers and feeding. But difference was gma had. A positive personality even at 88. She always was thankful and loving. I am feeling drowned, and hopeless. Do yall think i am selfish?
It's not your job to make your mom happy or to be her entertainment or take her everywhere. She's young enough to manage that on her own. I'm five years older than your mom and I'm taking care of my 95-year old mom. I live by myself and run my own life. Your mom can do the same. If she has some mental or physical conditions that require help, she can get that from others - it doesn't have to be you. So NO, you're not selfish! You're a young woman trying to live your own life, which you have every right to do!
Treat yourself and start looking for therapy today.
When we don't really know what's actually going on, we show up every day and do what seems like the obvious right thing. Until we realize it's all wrong.
A few things need to happen in short order.
1. Your mom & dad need an assessment by social services. They may not qualify for aging services if under 65. A social worker can help them (not you) connect to services.
2. You start putting in boundaries and saying no. No mom, I can't do that today. I don't know when. Sorry mom, I'm just too busy to add that on. She won't like hearing it from you, but I promise she's heard it a lot from others.
It is *NOT* your problem to fix her life because everyone else has walked away. You are not the default fixer. This will take backbone on your part.
I would expect her to act out and start some award winning theatrics when you put up boundaries, but stand strong. Expects fits, snits, and hopefully the silent treatment.
Remember that you have probably had a lifetime of programming to turn you into the "fixer", so when you aren't fixing, there will be a guilt response that kicks in. This guilt is not real. This guilt was also programmed into you to keep you fixing. It takes a lot of purposeful effort to get past it. That guilt is totally not appropriate. Just remember it's a trick to keep you under control.
You are NOT selfish. You are not unreasonable. What you are experiencing is a will to live and your survival instinct kicking in, and it's fighting with that programmed guilt. Your will to live should win!
An awful lot of us have been through this and know this problem intimately. Please come back often and let us comfort you, listen when you need to vent, and help problem-solve. You can do it.
As I read this, it seems unlikely that your Mom needs help from you, and as long as she is working, save your money. She can hire help.
Save yourself while you still can. Maybe someday, your relationship won't cost you money, and you can just visit each other.