Thank you all for reading this whine about my interactions with my 82 year old, widowed mother. I am 62. I feel tonight so burdened, guilty, sad, old, ashamed and wretched. All because I drove the hours drive to my mother's house and spent several hours with her and her latest DRAMA. The latest of her Many phones not working again. Bah. She can't work it. Has never learned, will never learn and creates a storm around this. Acts all nice and calm and polite because her friend turns up while I am there and then when said friend left, she tells me she heard from my son who rang her recently to ask if I, yes me, her daughter, had been OFFERING MORE SUPPORT LATELY. And meekly informs him oh yes. I am not an elastic stocking. But her flying monkeys have now got to him to spread her endless neediness and moaning and criticising even further. I think she is a narcissist. Her flying monkeys are her two other daughters. They are either bullying and fighting with her or not speaking to her. Neither has talked to me for years. I won't be coerced and I don't coerce or try to control my mother. I try to be a gray rock when with her. Sometimes this is really protective and helpful. However today she got her snipe in. Letting me know her, her monkeys and my dear son who I have an easy friendly relationship with, have ALL been in the Judgement Mob on me for not paying her Enough blasted attention. Where does the poison stop flowing. All the needs and wants that she has expressed over the 16 years since dad, her husband, died, I have heard. Nothing is ever finished, right, good enough, new enough, straight enough, etc etc. I have offered practical solutions to some of her problems i. e. I said I could re-landscape her yard using my time and money, to make a low maintenance garden but NO, the lawns and Roses must stay so she can continue to complain about the Pruning and How The Lawn Looks Scruffy. I asked her to move in with my daughter and me and put my home up for sale so we could buy a bit bigger one. She said yes. She is old, ill and alone and I hoped this plan would be a win/win. Suddenly one day some months later in front of a group of extended family she announced loudly that she would not be moving in with me in a belligerent voice. Did not bother informing me one on one. Luckily I had not sold my home. I was deeply hurt. Later she said to me that she would not live where I was because "the family" would look down on her. I have a nice house in a retirement park and a good job in a hospital. I was wounded again. Yet she keeps saying she wants to see me and my adult daughters and son and tells people that I am the only one who does not push her around. YET I know she trash talks me to her friends. She has a kind of slowwww leaukaemia called CLL. I feel vile saying this but I wish she could just cark it. I love her but I don't like her and my pain will not end soon. Thank you for listening.

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Why do you subject yourself to this? Stop visiting her and live your life.

And for the love of god, don't have her move in with you if a visit is so awful.

Seriously... get that living together thought out of your mind. It would be a catastrophe.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to ZippyZee

There's one heckuva a lot of us on this site with Narc moms.

You cannot ever make them happy because they cannot BE happy. It's a foreign concept to them and not in their wheelhouse of emotions. There must always be drama and harsh words and manipulations.

Aren't you GLAD that she didn't wind up moving in with you? You'd have that negativity on a daily basis.

It's taken my sibs 20+ years to see that I am the 'least favorite' child and see how hard that has been for me to deal with, on a constant basis. Mom puts on a good front for her few friends, but to family? I'm not even in the picture.

Going grey rock and staying that way was what saved me through the year of cancer--and her complete lack of sympathy or support.

I'm lucky--mother cannot dial a phone, so she doesn't contact me. I choose not to contact her.

Learn from this and don't be that way with your own kids. Sometimes, people are cautionary tales. Not good examples.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Midkid58

I am about your age, with my mom at 90. She complains about me horribly to the others, but then turns around and complains about them to me! The advice and sympathy of the good folks here helped me get over the hurt feelings, and knowing the complaining went every which way helped, too.

Try to share notes and observations with your primary circle. I set up a private Facebook messaging group for some of it. Talking with the others helps, too, sharing notes in a non-angry, shrug-it-off way. Don’t trust a thing you hear from her. Sister called me the other night to ask if there had been an angry confrontation between my mom and another relative. Mom was furious about it, angry and complaining. But the event, the confrontation and accusations, never happened. It might have been a dream Mom had. A lot of potential anger in the family got immediately diffused and ended by that phone call to check if something really had happened.
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Reply to Goddatter

It took me years to figure out my mom is a narcissist. I have posted her antics on this forum a few times. You really got lucky she refused to move in with you! Yes... I understand about the imperfect lawn and rose bushes! Her husband was recovering from a major surgery in a distant city. I drove her home for the weekend. His grandchildren had mowed the lawn and did some housekeeping. However, the minute we entered the driveway she started complaining! The act of kindness isn't enough for her... everything must meet certain standards. There is no way I can ever live with or near her. I am her only child.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sunnydayze
BurntCaregiver Feb 27, 2021
I hear you, Sunnydayze. My mother is the same way. Some people are never satisfied and they have to complicate everything. There's also no pleasing some people.

I've adopted a saying for when the complaining starts.

'Those who can do. Those who can't need to shut the hell up or they will get nothing'.

This works all the time.
"Letting me know her, her monkeys and my dear son who I have an easy friendly relationship with, have ALL been in the Judgement Mob on me for not payinv her Enough blasted attention."

Why in heaven's name would you accept your mother's assessment of what they think?

And, no kidding, I have literally broken out in a cold sweat of relief reading further that your mother wrecked the plan for you all to move in together. I'm sorry your feelings got hurt in the blast, but - oh dear Lord. You wanted her living with you???????
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Countrymouse
Pelar20 Feb 24, 2021
yeah I must have been trying for a bronze saint award back then. I have done a lot of grieving since then and wised up. Yes why should I give a hoot about A mobs mentality. thanks for the reply. i feel better having written this crap out.
I’m truly sorry that your mother has caused you this much grief. She won’t change except to get worse and for your own health, both physical and mental, you need a new plan on how you deal with her. Help her when it’s convenient for you, otherwise it’s on her to figure out her issue. Don’t listen to rude or critical talk. Leave or get off the phone each time it happens. I wish you peace in protecting yourself in this storm
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Daughterof1930

You really dodged the bullet there with mom saying 'no' to living with you and her daughter. Don't make that offer again or your life will become a living hell.
Of course she wants to see you more because you're her whipping post. You are the dumping ground for all her drama and toxic behavior. She wants you to be around more so then she can complain about you coming to anyone who will listen.
Know why the 'Judgement Mob' is ganging up on you? You're an easy target for them because you take it from your mother and from them. They don't want to become whipping post apprentices to you to take some of the burden off of you. They don't want to step up and take on any of the responsibility for mom's needs or care because that's your job. Their job is criticizing and talking smack about you with mom. They like this situation as it is and know that in order for it to remain as it is you must be kept in your place.

Girlfriend, you need to take one huge step back from all of them. Let your mother fend for herself and if she can't she can call the
'Judgement Mob' to come and do for her. Please stop letting yourself be treated this way. You don't deserve it.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

Pelar, can you limit your contact with her? Yes, she sounds like a narcissist and she is a controlling bully too. It’s good that you recognise her behaviour and the people around her who enable it. Let the flying monkeys do their stuff, don’t get sucked into playing her games and put your own needs higher up on the agenda. You will never change your mother’s behaviour, but you don’t have to put up with toxic behaviour from anyone in your family or in your mother’s circle of “friends”. Your story is painfully familiar to many of us on this Forum, and you will find plenty of support and good advice here - it is like a form of therapy. Vent all you like, we all do from time to time!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Chriscat83
Pelar20 Feb 24, 2021
thanks everyone your kind words have helped me
My mom is a narcissist too. She lies and says my Dad is hurt or disappointed when she tries to manipulate me or at least she did when we were still speaking. I reached a point when I just couldn’t take the nastiness anymore. I would be upset for a couple of days every time we spoke. Gray rock helps but still so difficult. Don’t let her move in with you. You will have no escape.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Kmjfree

You dodged a bullet with her changing her mind about moving in! That cannot be an option, ever.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to LoopyLoo

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