Friends will always take your side, so I'm hoping to get some guidance from people I don't know, but are in a similar situation. This will be a long read, grab a coffee.
I'm 44 years old (female), I have 2 older brothers (51 and 47). We all live in Connecticut. My son (23) and I live upstairs from my mother in the home that she and we grew up in (which she owns). My dad passed away in 2009 from combat related lung cancer due to exposure to Agent Orange. Because of the nature of his illness, my mom gets "survivor benefits" through the VA (a monthly payment and health/Rx insurance). So, her monthly income is from Social Security and the VA Survivor Benefits (she is a retired hairdresser, no pension there).
My oldest brother (single, no kids) has his own home about 40 minutes away. My middle brother (divorced, no kids) lives downstairs with my mom (moving in after his divorce 10 years ago). He comes with his own baggage and story. Prior to his divorce he was diagnosed with tonsil cancer and received radiation pellets which has made him cancer free since the surgery. Cancer made it difficult for him to swallow so for a few years he had a G-tube (feeding tube). This brother is also an alcoholic. To clarify, a hardcore alcoholic. With the G-tube he found that he could put vodka into it. This didn't go well and further spiraled his addiction out of control - leading to him being in the ICU at Yale for quite some time, his weight dropping to about 97lbs on his 5'9 frame. But, he bounced back. He had the feeding tube removed over 8 years ago, but never stopped drinking or smoking. He's been in and out of rehab across the state more times than I can count, with sobriety only lasting until he acclimates back at home. His behavior is erratic and unpredictable. He doesn't work, rarely drives and hardly gets out of bed. Needless to say, this puts an enormous mental burden on my mother (as well as my son and I). She can't "throw him out" because she would need to go through the legal system to have him evicted. Instead, she "deals" with his behavior. My son and I both work full time. While I don't pay my mother rent (obviously I pay my own utilities), I pay for the year-round yard maintenance, bring her to all of her doctor's appointments, do her shopping, balance her checkbook (after 50 years she suddenly can't do it herself), cook dinner a few times a week or take her out to dinner (if I don't cook she'll make herself popcorn or an ice cream cone!). Since I live upstairs, I'm at her beck and call 24/7.
She was recently diagnosed with COPD, Congestive Heart Failure and Sleep Apnea - adding to having had Type 2 diabetes for about 15 years. She's 73, but has herself living like an invalid. She has 1 friend left whom she rarely reaches out to (sadly, in the past 6 months she lost her best friend as well as the bf's husband and husband's sister - she was close with all of them). My mom is mentally fit. She can drive herself around town to run her own errands, but waits until the weekend when I'm around to taxi her. Selfishly, this irritates me because I work all week. When I make plans to be with my boyfriend she gets angry! I get that she's lonely, but If I make plans I have to hear how awful and selfish I am, knowing she's alone all week. She's never lived independently and has NO independence about her at all. Often she'll repeat things she's told me and talks non-stop. She has no interest in being social or going to a senior center, rather she opts to stay in the house all day then complain on the weekend that she doesn't go anywhere all week. Neither brother even attempts to help (one isn't conscience long enough and the other "needs to unwind" when he gets out of work). She'll say "Oh, maybe I'll just die then you won't have to take care of me" (if you're familiar with "The Soprano's", my mother sounds like Tony's). I've asked if she'd like to talk to someone but that makes her angrier. She's unhappy, joyless, miserable. It's draining.
Deciding to change is just the first step. It's usually worth it 😃
Arrange to do as much as you can online for her - grocery shopping, medicines by delivery or mail, nearly anything you need can be ordered and delivered that way using uber, doordash or other such driving services.
Talk to the functional brother and see if y'all can work a deal where he goes one weekend and you go the other. Both of you would get some down time and time with other people. Tell him that your down time is just as necessary as his.
Our main responsibility to our aging parents is to be sure their physical needs are being met. It does not mean we are responsible for their happiness.
I also would recommend you consider moving, the sooner the better. The longer you stay, the harder it might become to separate yourselves from this situation. Your plans include staying close, same or next town, so it isn't like you wouldn't be going there at times. Cleaning out the junk can wait. If you move, it can be stored temporarily and you can clean up a bit each time you visit/help.
Although she "got over it" and has been more civil, it will only happen again if you talk about moving. It's always nice to have a family member included in our happy plans, but not when they are not on board with the change that will come with it. I wouldn't recommend including her in any tours. Rent if you're not ready to buy. Take your time finding the right house for you, but you should find a place for you and your son sooner rather than later.
As for her complaint that she's alone all week when you work (despite you making or buying several meals/week!) and getting upset that you make plans with your BF, perhaps you could reserve some time on ONE of the weekend days. a few hours or so that would be for her. BF can be included IF you want him to and IF he wants to join you, but it might be best to have it her time only. Try to make plans ahead and do whatever it is she wants to do during that time. Then the rest of the day and/or the other day is yours to do with as you wish.
I do hope you find a happy resolution. It is often difficult living with family, even when there are separate areas, but when they are dysfunctional (bro) and needy/ill, it is even harder. This has been going on for a long long time, so it isn't going to be easy and it likely won't be pretty. If need be, give mom some time to adjust - you can try to maintain contact, but if she's nasty like she was, put distance between you both, like you did last time. She'll probably never "get over it", but it might tone down some, esp if she can have some of your time.
"It's of no surprise I was voted to be named as the PoA." Perhaps you already are aware, but just in case, being PoA does NOT mean you have to care for her physically. It means you can manage her affairs (financial and/or medical) if/when she can't. Some people do think POA grants more "power" than it does. Really it's more like having someone who can review and sign documents, manage bills, help make medical decisions. There's no "care" involved and it doesn't give you any power to make her move, or do anything else she refuses to so, should that ever be necessary.
Your mother is quite possibly behaving as she does through an erosion of her confidence, having your brother with her and his behaviour all the time. You need to consider if he is gaslighting your mother - addicts are good at putting the blame on others.
I don't see why she needs legal recourse to evict him unless he is paying her rent, she can just kick him out.
Basically it sounds as though having the family living in the same premises but in individual lives just isn't working.
You are the strongest so I suggest you do what is right for you and move out, don't stay and complain, do something about it.
I know it's a tough situation, but you do have options!
Sometimes you have to try to look at those options without emotion.
What is best for you and your son?
What is best for Mom?
Could you hire a someone to come a couple days a week to do shopping, light housework and company?
My brother and my cousin are exactly like your alcoholic brother!
They both lived with enablers.
Unfortunately my brother took his own life 3 years.
My cousin was in the hospital last year when my Uncle passed. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. My cousin fried his brain with drugs and alcohol and had been physically abusive to my Aunt. I moved her into memory care and sold her home to pay her expenses.
To the best of my knowledge, he is currently in a shelter. Recieving social security and 3 meals a day.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!!
Now that I'm 19 months out, I know it was the best option and the right thing to do!!
You deserve to have your own life!! Don't let mom "Gaslight" you into living your life with her as the center of your universe!!
If mom can't take care of herself, explain to her that she'll need to move to a retirement community and sell her home to pay for it.
Brother is a grown man! He needs to figure his own life out!
You have enough on your plate!
There most likely is no peaceful solution unless you want to maintain the current situation.
It's not easy, but you can do it!!!
(((Hugs)))
Even though this is your childhood home and you feel beholden to your mother, it behooves you to move out now which forces her to do for HERSELF. Either that, or hire outside help to come in instead. At 73, she can easily live another 2 decades. CHF takes a long time to get serious, and COPD can last a long time too if it's not too bad right now. Do you have 20 more years in YOU to be doing this for her? THAT is the question to ask yourself. Not whether you have the chutzpah to stand up to your mother, or whether she should evict your brother, or whether there's some magic wand out there you weren't asking for to begin with.
The question is, how much longer do you want to live in this madness?
I know for myself, I could never live with my mother and her toxic negativity. I'm her POA but she lives in Memory Care now, and Assisted Living before that, and in Independent Living before that, and in her own home with my father in another state before that. After I moved out at 17, that was IT for living with mom again. Once was enough. I love ya, ma, but we can't live together. And I'm her only child, to boot.
Decide what your next move in life should be. You will always be there for your mother, to talk to her, to help her in any way you can, but as far as living together under the same roof, that's what may need to change. You can definitely be her POA and advocate for life; you can do THAT and still live elsewhere. Your relationship may change for the better as a result once you stop cohabitating. Who knows? Once you aren't listening to the complaining and misery 24/7, you may grow to like her more. The love will always be there, it's the 'liking' part that may get better. And by forcing her to do more for herself, you may wind up doing her a huge favor in the long run. She's quite young to be reliant on others to this degree. She's stronger than she realizes!
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy to make big changes, for anybody..........for you or for your mother. But sometimes it's the best choice for everyone.