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My Mother was very down due to stroke stealing her ability to walk. At the beginning she just wanted it to 'go away'. Over time, she has come to accept that any change must come from her. That the magic wand she sought was in fact offered in a different way: in the shape of a good medical team, family support, her own physical exertion (put towards huge amount or rehab) & a change in thinking. Now she is starting to walk again.

Deciding to change is just the first step. It's usually worth it 😃
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Maybe she's not so sure about her own driving ability anymore and puts off errands until someone else will take her. She's not independent, as you say, so having a drunk son around is better than no one around. Her life is the rut that it is. Have you ridden in the car with her to see how well she drives??? Worth a trip just so you'll know.

Arrange to do as much as you can online for her - grocery shopping, medicines by delivery or mail, nearly anything you need can be ordered and delivered that way using uber, doordash or other such driving services.

Talk to the functional brother and see if y'all can work a deal where he goes one weekend and you go the other. Both of you would get some down time and time with other people. Tell him that your down time is just as necessary as his.
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Someone can only boss you around if you allow it, so why do it? Yes, it takes a bit of courage to stand up to a parent, particularly if this has been the dynamic between you and your mom for years if not since you were a kid. If you continue to let her make you miserable, then you are choosing misery. She's not holding a gun, so what is she going to do? She is taking you on a guilt trip, and you have no reason to get on board.

Our main responsibility to our aging parents is to be sure their physical needs are being met. It does not mean we are responsible for their happiness.
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I thought I had posted a comment, but maybe it was still in draft when PC forced a restart. Whatever. It is a shame you didn't buy the place you liked. I wouldn't really consider it an impulse purchase since you've wanted a place to call your own for quite some time now - esp, if it met most of what you wanted in a place. But, you passed on that, so moving on..,

I also would recommend you consider moving, the sooner the better. The longer you stay, the harder it might become to separate yourselves from this situation. Your plans include staying close, same or next town, so it isn't like you wouldn't be going there at times. Cleaning out the junk can wait. If you move, it can be stored temporarily and you can clean up a bit each time you visit/help.

Although she "got over it" and has been more civil, it will only happen again if you talk about moving. It's always nice to have a family member included in our happy plans, but not when they are not on board with the change that will come with it. I wouldn't recommend including her in any tours. Rent if you're not ready to buy. Take your time finding the right house for you, but you should find a place for you and your son sooner rather than later.

As for her complaint that she's alone all week when you work (despite you making or buying several meals/week!) and getting upset that you make plans with your BF, perhaps you could reserve some time on ONE of the weekend days. a few hours or so that would be for her. BF can be included IF you want him to and IF he wants to join you, but it might be best to have it her time only. Try to make plans ahead and do whatever it is she wants to do during that time. Then the rest of the day and/or the other day is yours to do with as you wish.

I do hope you find a happy resolution. It is often difficult living with family, even when there are separate areas, but when they are dysfunctional (bro) and needy/ill, it is even harder. This has been going on for a long long time, so it isn't going to be easy and it likely won't be pretty. If need be, give mom some time to adjust - you can try to maintain contact, but if she's nasty like she was, put distance between you both, like you did last time. She'll probably never "get over it", but it might tone down some, esp if she can have some of your time.

"It's of no surprise I was voted to be named as the PoA." Perhaps you already are aware, but just in case, being PoA does NOT mean you have to care for her physically. It means you can manage her affairs (financial and/or medical) if/when she can't. Some people do think POA grants more "power" than it does. Really it's more like having someone who can review and sign documents, manage bills, help make medical decisions. There's no "care" involved and it doesn't give you any power to make her move, or do anything else she refuses to so, should that ever be necessary.
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Time you got up and moved you and your son to your own front door even if it is only something small.
Your mother is quite possibly behaving as she does through an erosion of her confidence, having your brother with her and his behaviour all the time. You need to consider if he is gaslighting your mother - addicts are good at putting the blame on others.
I don't see why she needs legal recourse to evict him unless he is paying her rent, she can just kick him out.
Basically it sounds as though having the family living in the same premises but in individual lives just isn't working.
You are the strongest so I suggest you do what is right for you and move out, don't stay and complain, do something about it.
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Dubey ,

I know it's a tough situation, but you do have options!
Sometimes you have to try to look at those options without emotion.
What is best for you and your son?
What is best for Mom?
Could you hire a someone to come a couple days a week to do shopping, light housework and company?

My brother and my cousin are exactly like your alcoholic brother!
They both lived with enablers.
Unfortunately my brother took his own life 3 years.
My cousin was in the hospital last year when my Uncle passed. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. My cousin fried his brain with drugs and alcohol and had been physically abusive to my Aunt. I moved her into memory care and sold her home to pay her expenses.
To the best of my knowledge, he is currently in a shelter. Recieving social security and 3 meals a day.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!!

Now that I'm 19 months out, I know it was the best option and the right thing to do!!

You deserve to have your own life!! Don't let mom "Gaslight" you into living your life with her as the center of your universe!!

If mom can't take care of herself, explain to her that she'll need to move to a retirement community and sell her home to pay for it.
Brother is a grown man! He needs to figure his own life out!
You have enough on your plate!

There most likely is no peaceful solution unless you want to maintain the current situation.

It's not easy, but you can do it!!!

(((Hugs)))
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I think you & your son are living in a situation where you're enabling your mother to rely on you and not on herself, which will only get worse. With her health issues of CHF and COPD present, she can use them as an excuse to not be 'able' to do for herself, and since she has you & her grandson living upstairs, why should she? That's how she looks at it. As she gets older, things will only worsen and she'll rely on you for 100% of everything as she gets more & more miserable & negative. Of course it's draining to be living with such a toxic individual, and then to throw your brother into the mix just makes the whole dysfunctional situation even MORE intolerable.

Even though this is your childhood home and you feel beholden to your mother, it behooves you to move out now which forces her to do for HERSELF. Either that, or hire outside help to come in instead. At 73, she can easily live another 2 decades. CHF takes a long time to get serious, and COPD can last a long time too if it's not too bad right now. Do you have 20 more years in YOU to be doing this for her? THAT is the question to ask yourself. Not whether you have the chutzpah to stand up to your mother, or whether she should evict your brother, or whether there's some magic wand out there you weren't asking for to begin with.

The question is, how much longer do you want to live in this madness?

I know for myself, I could never live with my mother and her toxic negativity. I'm her POA but she lives in Memory Care now, and Assisted Living before that, and in Independent Living before that, and in her own home with my father in another state before that. After I moved out at 17, that was IT for living with mom again. Once was enough. I love ya, ma, but we can't live together. And I'm her only child, to boot.

Decide what your next move in life should be. You will always be there for your mother, to talk to her, to help her in any way you can, but as far as living together under the same roof, that's what may need to change. You can definitely be her POA and advocate for life; you can do THAT and still live elsewhere. Your relationship may change for the better as a result once you stop cohabitating. Who knows? Once you aren't listening to the complaining and misery 24/7, you may grow to like her more. The love will always be there, it's the 'liking' part that may get better. And by forcing her to do more for herself, you may wind up doing her a huge favor in the long run. She's quite young to be reliant on others to this degree. She's stronger than she realizes!

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy to make big changes, for anybody..........for you or for your mother. But sometimes it's the best choice for everyone.
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Dubey, like most people on the site, I really do want to help. I’m sorry that what I wrote, and several others wrote, came across as ‘snarky’ and unhelpful. Please could you give some idea about what sort of reply you really did want to read? I honestly don’t know, and would like to know. It could help us do it better next time.
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