In May Mom started waking up several times at night. I had a baby monitor in her room so I could hear when she called and it began to be constant. Since I'm working full time and was exhausted beyond words, I chose to turn the monitor off and leave the bed alarm on, justifying it in my mind that she was receiving better care than she would have in the local nursing home (my mother-in-law was there a few times after being hospitalized so I know what the NH was like).
Then she had a low blood sugar episode (she's in hospice for dementia but is diabetic). She wouldn't wake up enough for the hospice aide to give her a sponge bath. Later in the morning it dawned on me that I should check her blood sugar, which we didn't do routinely because we forgot and when we did check it was always high. Well, it was 50. Called hospice and, of course, since she's in hospice, they said give her sugar in any form we could. Finally gave her icing and it brought it back up to the 50s (it had gotten into the 30s before coming back up).
After that, my brother and his wife came to get her. I always knew I could ask them for help and they would, but I thought I'd be able to take care of Mom until she passed, like I did Daddy. But that's another, shorter, story.
Anyway, we didn't tell Mom she was going to live with my brother and his wife. We said she was going for a visit. And I thought she was. I thought I'd be rested enough to take care of her after a few months. Hospice care as continued in the other state, where my brother lives. They were told she marginally met their hospice criteria.
My SIL doesn't have a traditional job. She has always been active in church, helping wherever needed. She recently took classes to become an ordained minister but has put everything on hold to take care of Mom. It is quite exhausting for her. She has sent updates though they weren't more than a few lines.
Then, this past Saturday she sent a lengthy email to all siblings saying how she had gradually decreased Mom's meds. Mom is probably at her baseline dementia now.
She doesn't want to go to bed at night. She wakes up every hour or two and thinks it's time to get up. My SIL sleeps in the room with her, a little more than arm's distance between their beds. She explains to Mom that it's too early to get up and sits with her until she falls back to sleep. A saint, right? And truly what Mom needs.
I've only called once, about a week after she went to their house. My nephew set up a video call so she could see us on TV and hear us over the TV speakers (she's quite hard of hearing). It was difficult to see her sitting like a statue (even though that's what she did here when not fidgeting), then after a few minutes she started asking when she was coming home, how she was going to get here, did she have money for a ticket, and my brother reassured her that he would take her home when she wanted to go.
After the email about how Mom is doing, I realized I AM NOT able to take care of her the way my SIL and her family can. They have 2 adult children living at home (one is employed full time but works from home occasionally, one is a full time college student taking classes on-line) and my brother often works from home. They have the physical resources to take care of her since there is someone to relieve my SIL when she needs to rest.
The problem is, I can't get over the guilt I feel for not being able to take care of her like I did Daddy, until she passed. Like I've said before, I'm still working full time (remotely). I had hoped to work until my 25th anniversary where I work, which would be July of next year. My full retirement age is the end of February next year. She will have been with them 8 months (if she lives that long) by then and what if she doesn't want to come back?
Any suggestions about how to get over the guilt? I know it's not about me, it's about Mom and what's best for her, but I still feel guilty.
It always seems like nothing goes as “planned”. You’re so lucky you have another family member willing to take care of your mother!
I have nobody even though I do have a brother…he doesn’t lift a finger. “Family” for me is non existent. I pay privately an aide ..but is now limited as to her transfer skills. So my mother doesn’t go outside. My mother basically goes from bed to wheelchair & back again…with a transfer machine..,We also put her on commode the same way.
My mother sometimes gets very difficult and agitated…but I’ve been able to get her much calmer..,
A helpful hint: just because a family member works remote or takes classes online, that doesn’t mean that they can be available for any emergency or even diaper change duties.
Also, you’re thinking way ahead in advance. Just go one day at a time. Anyway, don’t feel guilty because you’ve done nothing wrong…& just be thankful for your brother & SIL …Hugs
No guilt, it sounds like SIL seems to be the best CG for mom right now. Why should you feel guilty for doing what's BEST for her?
Sounds like SIL isn't complaining, so there's that. She's not placing any responsibility on you, probably she is grateful for the chance to serve her MIL. (This is an unusual situation, really!)
Work until retirement. Visit/talk to mom as much as you can and leave the guilt at the door.
You've been amazing. Now let SIL be amazing. Every family should have such love!!
Be grateful that she's getting such great care, and has other family that is now loving on her. A lot of people are not so fortunate.
At this point, I would just stay in contact with her as much as possible and let her know how very much you love her.
And like AlvaDeer said, it really is grief that you are feeling, and that is very normal. Please seek some counseling to help you through it. God bless you.