I feel like I do everything for my husband, he feels that I do nothing, and complains about our "messy house." I have lost my patience. Help!

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I sometimes stay up all night to complete a cleaning chore, and then will sleep most of the day. Lately, I have been taking him to eye appointments, and dentist appointments. He thanked me yesterday for getting him his new glasses, and today was an early dentist appointment. Tonight he said he was tired and going to sleep at 8:30, so I got him his night time pills and applied his Exelon patch. He then asked me, nicely "Is there anything I can do for you?' I said "Well, will you put the furniture back in place, in the family room?" (he had cleaned the floor in there a couple of days ago, and the furniture was all askew). Then it seems...all h*ll broke loose. He started with a pile of magazines and papers, and then went to a different room and got more magazines and papers and told me, he couldn't move the furniture, since our whole house is a &*%$!! mess! I lost it. I hadn't eaten all day, and was about to watch a favorite TV show. He said "let's get this house cleaned" I tried to say "I thought you were going to bed?" It then escalated, I feel I am at an impasse. I try to be patient. But, I have hit my breaking point. I just want to leave. Please help, I need advice, I don't have help and I don't know what to do.

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I’m willing to take a bet that my house is a lot messier than yours 🏡 & I really don’t know where or how to straighten it out. That’s why I ordered book from library....”Let it go” Author is Walsh
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I had a friend whose husband decided a room of his house needed cleaning immediately at 1130 at night. Little kids woke up, had to be in the mix. Big uproar for several hrs. No reason it needed to be done then.
I heard this and thought it sounds like a major OCD episode. It has to be done now because it releases the person's pent up anxiety. Doing it releases stress levels and they can relax again. Its not rational to anyone but them. Arguing won't work.
Does husband have OCD tendencies? Or lots of anxiety? I think that dementia can bring out a person's personality traits more.
If they are a narcissist, it will have them ordering everyone about. If they are anxiety ridden, it will exasperated that, till their screaming.
What would he do if you said, have at it. I'll see you in the morning. Then go thru the trash in am to see what he threw out lol. Would he do it alone, or make sure you couldn't sleep? Does he have to be monitored every minute?
Definitely talk to the primary about this. They could offer suggestions or play with dosage/times taken etc.
What if you took him for a walk in the eve? Walk the dog. Or walk yard perimeter. Do an activity to tire him out before bed.
What if you walk away If he gets on a tare? Would he stop, or follow you? A person can't argue with themself.
I had to sit with a new resident for the eve. She started out fine, but then her mood deterioratated to berating me. Cursing me actually. She was scared/mad and wanted to go home. She couldn't.
Anyway, I stayed in the hall just outside the door. She found out right quick, that getting no response from me took away her power. No fun complaining, if no audience. I could keep an eye that she was safe, but no reaction. Its called grey rock method. Dont engage, or short yes/no answer. Nothing that will enflame them more. It worked for a few hrs. She went to sleep.
Good luck.
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Just hire a cleaning person...problem solved!
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LindaJane Jul 23, 2018
Yes, I will hire a cleaning person, but I am pretty sure he will find something else to complain about. Thank you for listening.
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I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, this being the frustrations of dementia with your husband. A spotless home, and certainly staying up all night to achieve it seems like a pointless goal at this point. I do know having a clean home makes everyone feel better, most importantly you, but please remember there are limits and don’t do too much. I’ll be forever grateful that my mom taught me there was a time to clean and a time to go outside and plant flowers!
Barb has given you good advice, I hope you can find ways to get some respite and peace back in your home
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LindaJane Jul 23, 2018
I am going to hire someone to help clean. I hope this will help.I just wish he realized that I am trying to do everything. He is still at the "beginning stages" so I am not sure what is Alzheimers related, and what is my Jekle/Hyde husband. I really appreciate your advice, and taking time for me. By the way, one of my favorite things to do is go outside and plant things!
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Linda, first off (((((hugs))))) to you, because this must be spool very frustrating.

Second, I'm going to pass on the very wise advice I got here when I first joined after my mom developed dementia after a stroke: remember that is a marathon, not a sprint.
You MUST:
Let some things go
Take care of YOU
Get regular respite
Examine your resources and assets
Get a professional assessment of his/your needs.
Pace yourself.

It seems like having a tidy, clean house is an important thing for you and husband.

Staying up all night yo clean doesn't seem like a good expenditure of a very limited resource ( your time and health).

Have you looked into a housecleaner?

Have you asked for a needs assessment from your local Area Agency on Aging?

Have you talked to husband's doctor about his agitation and what meds might be appropriate?

Again, ((((hugs)))))!
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LindaJane Jul 23, 2018
Bless you Barb, I gratefully accept the hugs. I needed those. I am going to hire a housecleaner, however I worry about having enough money when the day comes that I will have to put him in a care facility. I did send a note to his doctors office about possible meds to control his anger. I appreciate your time and attention. We are going to visit one of our sons this week, and our grandkids, which will be nice for me. However, I have learned travel sometimes makes my husband more nervous, I have learned to keep visits short. I pray they find a cure for this cruel disease. Thanks again.
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I truly know exactly how you feel., except that my husband is incapable of doing anything as far as cleaning. He walks to and from the bed to the living room sofa, to the patio to smoke, to the bathroom and back to the sofa. I leave the bed unmade when he soils it, to air it, out and that really bugs him. It needs to air out because even the layers that remain dry, do have an odor. We are preparing for a move and he sits and sleeps and watches tv. His decline prevents him from doing much of anything, yet he can muster up enough awareness to complain about stacked boxes. He will occasionally yell out "hey!" That means he wants something and he wants it now. Sometimes I can taste my anger and I just want to call his daughter and say, "you have 30 minutes to get here, because I'm leaving."
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LindaJane Jul 23, 2018
Wow, I must say, your situation is worse than mine. How do you do it? I had boxes from Amazon that I wanted to re-use, he found them and "Can I throw these out?" -one look at the anger in his face and I said "Sure". So I understand. It sounds like you could use some help at home, or perhaps it is time for him to go to a care facility. However, I realize that is a huge expense. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Is this a one time event or is this happening again and again where your husband complains about your "messy house"?  Is that why you "sometimes stay up all night to complete a cleaning chore, and then will sleep most of the day"--because your husband repeatedly complains about a "messy house"?  How many months has he been complaining?  Has the complaining increased as his Alzheimer's/Dementia has gotten worse?  We need more information so that we can give appropriate suggestions. 

I know that my Mom would be fine with the condition of the house one day; and the next day, she would want me to clean "everything" and demand that I "box up all of the papers in my office".
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