My mom just turned 82, and has been living by herself for the last 20 years. I have two brothers who want nothing to do with my mom. She has no friends, and doesn’t socialize with anyone. Growing up she wasn’t a very nice person. Narcissist tendencies. I am her only caregiver. She lost her only sister to pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. Since then I have noticed a complete change in her mentally. After she passed it was almost like she had a nervous breakdown. I went over to her house and she had everything unplugged, and said she couldn’t get the tv working. Eventually she snapped out of it and seemed stable, but I started noticing these past couple years strange things. Constant calls that the tv wasn’t working or the remote wasn’t working. She stopped being able to figure out how to work her DVD player. Every radio I would purchase, she said didn’t work. She just couldn’t figure out the buttons and how to operate them. She stopped cleaning out her cupboards, and I’d constantly find moldy bread or food. She stopped making shopping lists for me for the grocery store. I had to constantly guess what she needed. I had to start cooking and bringing homemade dinners for her to reheat. She went from over feeding her dog to forgetting to feed her. Sometimes she would forget to take meds but most of the time was still doing well with it. Constantly said the air conditioning or heat wasn’t working right when it was. Constantly said the toilets were broken when they weren’t. If she calls me and I don’t answer she will keep calling me nonstop until I answer. My mom lives 30 minutes from me, and I’m only able to see her 3-4x a week because of work. On August 25 she called my phone at 2am 3 times. I didn’t answer as my phone was on vibrate and I didn’t hear it. By voicemail number 3 she said she needed to talk to me ASAP and if I didn’t call her back she was calling the sheriff. A deputy called me at 7am saying my mom was very confused and that she said I stole her purse. After I asked him to check the cupboards( usually where she hides things) he found it under the kitchen sink. She had both tv remotes in it along with her glasses and hearing aid. He had her transported to the ER. When I saw her in the ER she told me she didn’t trust me and to get away from her. No infections, blood work perfect. ER doctor said dementia. I’ve known for awhile she’s had it, but she refuses to see a doctor and says nothing is wrong with her. She eventually snapped out of it and doesn’t remember anything other then the police showing up at her house. They couldn’t get her to see a geriatric psychiatrist anywhere for evaluation. They were full at 3 hospitals. So they transferred her to memory care at a nursing home 45 minutes from me. Social worker and dr said she shouldn’t be alone because of her memory issues. I discharged her from memory care and brought her to my house for a week, so I could transition her to an assisted living facility closer to me. That was a mistake. She didn’t sleep at all. She would open the bedroom door and yell all night how our place was a dump and the service was bad. She would slam her cane on the floor and just go off. During the day she was better mentally but when late afternoon would hit her moods would change. It was quite eerie and eye opening. She was delusional and hallucinating. Multiple times asking my husband to fire me as I was a horrible worker. She flat out didn’t know who I was at nighttime??? On day 7 I moved her to an assisted living facility 8 minutes from me. I’ve been saying over and over you have to stay here for awhile and can’t be alone. Today she called me yelling and screaming that I put her away and she wants her attorney etc etc. saying I don’t love her etc etc. That can’t be farther from the truth. I can’t get over the guilt and cry all the time. She can’t live with us I just can’t do it especially with my 11 year old son. I feel I did the right thing, but then why do I feel so guilty.
You are providing care for your mother.
You are keeping her safe.
You are getting her 3 nutritious meals per day.
You are getting her housekeeping services.
You are getting her laundry done.
You are having a doctor come and visit her in her room.
You are providing 24/7 RN services.
You are getting her medicine safely given to her, multiple times per day.
You are getting her activities every day.
You are providing hairstyling services.
You are allowing yourself the ability to keep sane.
You are maintaining your ability to sleep.
You are keeping your family life in tact, and thereby protecting your son.
You are doing so very much.
You did the right thing for your Mom in this devastating condition that has affected you all.
You feel bad because having to place a parent in a facility is probably the hardest thing most of us will ever have to do.
I bawled like a baby for a month, every single time I saw, spoke with or about my dad. It isn't supposed to be like this, they are the adults, authority, the final word and here we are making the decision that they refused to. Ugh!
Honestly, you will learn to deal with the reality that she is better off where she is. It DOES GET EASIER.
One thing that I found out early in the journey, he was doing better then he wanted me to know. Every conversation was doom and gloom. Yet, he was a happy camper when I observed him from around corners. As soon as he saw me, yep, doom and gloom. So watch from afar and see how she is doing without your audience.
Always keep a happy, upbeat attitude in her presence. Find the things that should make her happy and redirect there. Then cry in the car.
No place is going to be perfect. Learn what is important and choose your battles wisely. Find things to do with her that bring her joy or laughter in the moment and do them every visit. Let the staff do their job and most important, read up on sundowning and showtiming, you have already lived with sundowning, that's why she was so different at night.
As hard as this is, it is far better then finding her dead on the floor at her own home, all alone. I say this because it is important to put the situation into perspective.
She is blessed to have you. Let your emotions run their course and find ways to bring smiles and laughter in the moment.
Great big warm hug!
Dementia is a horrible desease. Your Moms brain is dying little by little. She has no idea what is going on so she lashes out. Things constantly go thru her mind. She can no longer be reasoned with. She has a hard time processing what is being said to her. She can't remember from day to day, minute to minute. Its very unpredictable. You never know what they will do next. And you will probably always be her target.
You feel guilty because you can't make everything better. But life is what it is and you can't make mom better or let her have her old life back. You have done nothing wrong. It's going to take time, but give yourself some grace and forgive yourself for not being able to fix mom's world.
Give it some time, hopefully mom will adjust to her new surroundings but even if she doesn't, you know she is where she needs to be. Your job as her primary caregiver is to make sure mom is getting the care she needs. There are trained staff there for her 24/7. There is no way you could have been there for her 24/7 without dropping from exhaustion.
May you be blessed with peace.
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