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Mom has Dementia and had lived with us 7 yrs. I need a serious recharge.

Oh my, you poor thing! Seven years!? I’ve only been caring for my mom for a month and I’m ready to leave the planet! I should be the one feeling like a cow! I definitely feel like I’m not living out my Christian beliefs! I love my mother dearly but her constant need is going to kill my 86 yo dad and I soon if we don’t get some help. Mom and dad didn’t plan for the future so it’s me, an only child and my dad caring for her. Believe me I feel like a failure as a daughter bc I think she should be in a nursing home. (Which we are working on.) This is hard stuff especially when the patient is agitated, sleeps little and is constantly calling us for assistance all hours of the day and night. I’m watching my mom dying and my sweet, cheerful, full of life dad aging rapidly before my eyes. I also have a disabled husband that thankfully is able to fend for himself for the most part at home. This hasn’t been easy on our marriage either.
For your own sanity get help or put her in a home. If money is an issue, I feel your pain. There are ways to get her in somewhere. Contact a social worker or case manager at your local hospital or clinic. They can help you find care and ways to pay for it.
My prayers are going up before God’s throne of grace for you dear sister. Blessings, love and hugs. 🙏❤️🤗
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Reply to jjcares
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You’re not alone.
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Reply to OhMyMe2
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I experienced “tipping points” with two very dearly loved family members who, at different times, needed residential care because DH and I could no longer provide the degree of care they needed.

In both situations the issue of “fall risk” had become one of 24 hour vigilance. In one I was sleeping on the floor beside LO’s bed because of her inability to understand “risk”.

After 7 years, I’m totally shocked that you have more than a tiny pinch of patience left to use. Time to take a step toward developing a management plan that will have more balance.

Right now you are giving your whole self to mom’s care, and she is unable to contribute effort toward her own care OR comprehend her need to accept what you are offering. SO—- you MUST research how you can adjust the balance.

Hired caregivers? Placement in residential care? BOTH reasonable and viable alternatives to earning back some time for yourself.

Go online and do a search for local caregiver agencies. Choose five.

Then do a second search for Assisted Living facilities. Choose five.

Now call and inquire about rates at each.

Don’t do your calls all at once. Do one or two a day. When you’ve got the info about rates, redo your calls and inquire about caregiver availability, skills, etc.

Do that for facilities. Services offered? Number of residents? Resident/staff ratio?

Choose 3 residences and visit them, when the pandemic has eased a bit.

All of these steps towards BALANCE.

Once the first step is taken, you will begin to feel a little better. Having done MORE research, you’ll begin to have a clearer perspective on what’s best for BOTH you, AND your mom.
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97yroldmom Mar 25, 2020
I suggest you do what Ann suggested EVEN IF you have no intention of placing her.
1. It will let you know that there are options.
2. If something should happen to your ability to be a care giver, this part has been done.
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I will happily tell you you are not alone :)

But more than that. You are ahead of the curve in realising that your mother is not to blame for her exasperating behaviour, and for wisely using stress reduction methods to cope with it, and for recognising that you need respite (I only wish there were a realistic prospect of that at the moment).

What sadly often happens, and I was guilty too so please don't think I'm blaming any caregivers for this, is that the cared-for person becomes the villain of the piece - she is stubborn, she is winding you up, she is doing this on purpose. Of course she isn't! - but my goodness it feels it like sometimes.

What do you have in the way of support?
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 25, 2020
You said a mouthful. Relationships become so strained. It becomes an unhealthy balance. Very wise words, CM. Thanks for pointing this out.
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You are not alone.  And you are not a supreme cow.  Her living with you is breaking you down.  It happens even when they don't live with us as we're always taking care of something for them.

Is there any way she can afford to move to Assisted Living/Dementia care? or is this not something you would consider? Or a live in caregiver?

Some here with one or more parents living with them will have more ideas for caregiving at home, but you need to make changes soon.
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Reply to lilhelp
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Talk to an Elder Care Attorney. They will be able to get her qualified for Medicaid. They have knowledge and ways to do it. Hang in there!
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Reply to BeckyT
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Ugh! My exact feelings today. She watches news 24/7 but can’t understand why she can’t go to the store. Can’t get her to use the air conditioning. She’s wearing two sweatshirts, won’t drink enough water, and the room temp is a humid 78 or higher. Won’t turn fan on. Her agency driver couldn’t dissuade her from going to the store last week but mom was sneaky and got the driver to take her back to moms house ( she just moved in with us very recently) and brought back three blankets and a shoebox full of batteries. She certainly didn’t need any of them but she isn’t reasonable and can’t be reasoned with!
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jjcares Mar 23, 2020
I understand about the reasoning thing. You cannot reason with a two year old. This is like raising children again only worse! 🤪
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Maybe it's time for her to move into a facility??

Oh you are sooo not alone. Almost everyone who takes in an elderly parent feels your pain.

Who among us hasn't walked away in frustration? Even when we know they are how they are and are not willfully behaving poorly, it is still practically impossible to deal with!

7 years is a long time. You have given a lot of time to your mom and I'm sure it's appreciated. Or would be if she did not have dementia. You can be proud and feel good that you have done so much for so long.

Maybe put mom somewhere for 2 weeks so you can have a real break and recharge that battery.
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Reply to againx100
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One thing is certain and that is that you cannot nor should not continue on like this since you're already at your breaking point. Consider facility living for your mom.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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You are not alone..

I had to leave the house yesterday because my hubby was on an angry streak over a damaged part that was delivered to the house. He can't reason about it and while I was trying to talk to the company on the phone about the damage, he was yelling at the poor girl on the phone. It wasn't her fault, it was the shipper's fault. It got so bad I pushed him out of the room and shut the door. I had to leave. Thank God I have a daughter that I can vent to. She reminded me that he is stuck in a rut and can't get out. I am grateful that at this time, he can stay alone for awhile. I know the day will come that he won't be able to.
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