I feel awful. I keep losing my temper with my husband. It's either him crying, apologizing, and praising me or him screaming at me. Advice?

With your problems and his dementia I do not know how you manage.
Is there a slight possibility that Assisted Living would be an option for the both of you? You would be together and you would both have the help you need to care for each other. And as he declines a move to Memory Care would not be such a problem as most places that have Assisted Living also have Memory Care so you would both be in the same building.
Your other option would be to not have him return home.
Do you have a therapist that you talk to? Is this something that you would discuss?
Also if he is screaming at you would he ever get to the point where he might become violent? If so you have to protect yourself. (and do not say, oh he would never do that....with dementia you never know what a person can or will do. some forms of dementia can make a person more prone to violent behavior)

While it is normal to lose your temper occasionally, if you are losing your temper over and over, you must be completely overwhelmed.

It is exhausting to be that stressed out about everything. During the height of my caregiving days, my heart would beat so fast. It was a horrible feeling when my heart would race.

When daily activity is the same, day in and day out, it becomes such a grind. Our nerves become so frayed that just about anything will set them off. Is this how you feel? This happens when a person is experiencing extreme stress.

You are going to have to find some relief, some form of respite. I hope your situation will improve soon. Human beings cannot be expected to function like a machine does.

Keep us updated on your situation. We care.

What a horrible situation. First of all, no matter who it is or why, I would NEVER, EVER TOLERATE SOMEONE SCREAMING AT ME AND ABUSING ME - NEVER! No matter how you react, it is doing terrible harm to you. You are either lashing back (which can escalate) or you are holding it in and you will one day lose it completely. No one ever has the right to yell and scream. If every attempt including medication and all tried and true methods fail, then why are you staying close to that person. You do NOT deserve that no matter why. If someone's behavior is having a very negative impact on you, do NOT put up with it. I think that is when separation must take place and they must be placed, especially since you already have problems. You don't need to add more to them.

I truly get the frustration. Sadly it is time to find a different place for him to live..memory care or assisted living homes can be a better solution. Locally it cost no more to have my mom live there than to hire in home help. She is happier and we are happier. You can visit when you feel up to it and leave when the frustration begins. Your husband will adjust to the move. It is important for you to know that Elder abuse includes verbal temper tantrums. He deserves better and so do you. You do not mention family but getting a friend or family member to help you find an assisted living near you asap appears like a good idea. God Bless.

I think also that the tension and stress have built up to the point that reactions are automatic, and neither of you are able to step back, assess the situation and respond more appropriately and rationally.

And that's definitely not a criticism; I've been there myself, and had to learn how to force myself not to respond until I could do so rationally.   I've read of various suggestions, including counting to 10, or 20, or as high as you need to go before you're calm.   Rechanneling your anger into something more positive, such as beautiful flowers, or a stunning sunrise or sunset, and just focusing on that helps redirect thoughts as well.

I was discussing your question with my mother's hospice nurse today, and she told me to post this poem she keeps on her phone to share with families --

ALZHEIMER'S POEM

Do not ask me to remember
Do not try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you're with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I'm confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you to be with me at all cost.

Do not lost your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse my cry.
I can't help the way I'm acting,
Can't be different though I try.

Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'til my life is done.

I am sorry that you have struggled with this situation for so long. It takes real strength to ‘let go’ of what isn’t working. Sometimes, we assume that by holding on we are strong. No, holding on doesn’t require any ‘real’ strength. We may be holding on, due to fear of the unknown.

You are going to have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Seek the help of a therapist or others who have done this to give you guidance

I feel your pain and I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. As stated by many, many posters, “You do NOT have to do the ‘hands on’ care yourself!” Please research facilities nearby to place your loved one. You will feel the weight of the world lifting off of your shoulders!

This situation isn’t healthy or sustainable for either of you. Please find a new plan, husband in memory care or in home care for you to get away.

This is a very difficult situation. I think you are in way over your head and totally burnt out. You can not provide good care under those circumstances, no matter how much you love him and want to take care of him.

More help at home may be a good thing but I just don't know if it's enough. Assisted living might be a better option, even though it may not seem that way at some levels.

You both need to be better taken care of.

Good luck.

He needs memory care, and perhaps you need assisted living if staying in the house on your own isn't feasible.