My mom will be 94 next week. She still lives in her condo apartment and is in relatively good health, except for arthritis aches and pains. She is legally blind and uses a walker but is quite independent and social.
Ever since she stopped driving at age 75, I've been her main "go to" person for grocery shopping, appointments, etc., as well as caring for her emotional needs. My brother does help out occasionally. I am self-employed and have a very hectic schedule.
Mom has always been an impatient, demanding woman and has become worse in the past couple of years. She has started to get more confused and doing some troublesome things, like freaking out if I don't answer the phone right away. The other day, I was in our swimming pool. The phone was inside. She called four times with a half hour. When I returned her call, she said she was worried that I was sick. She called my brother, who lives 20 minutes away, and told him to come to my house to check if I was okay. Fortunately, I was able to reach him to tell him I was okay.
This is not the first time mom has freaked out like this when I haven't immediately returned her phone calls. I suspect some dementia is setting in. I notice that she's getting a bit more confused, too.
Mom has said a couple of times that she wishes I called her every day, because some of her friends' children do that. She says she gets "lonely." Meanwhile, my sister calls every Sunday, my brother calls one a week, my niece visits her almost every Monday, I call Mondays and Thursdays and usually take her grocery shopping every Friday. Plus, she plays cards every night with the people in her building and goes out to lunches and other functions almost every week, so I'm not understanding why she's "lonely."
I really don't want to commit to calling her every day, for a few reasons, but most of all, because if I don't call her every day on time, she'll flip out and worry. As I said, I run a business and it requires me to be on the road every day, I also have battled anxiety for years and it would be just too much for me to deal with her drama on a daily basis. Certainly, I am always there for her if she needs anything, but calling every day would be absolutely too much for me to handle.
She's been on the list for assisted living for four years. I think she'd be much happier, less needy, and less "lonely" if she were in such an environment.
Anyone else dealing with a similar situation? Am I being selfish?
Thankfully we're all different which means we can meet different needs.
Personally I am the kind of woman who'd have loved to have children, I couldn't so I raised other people's privately & as my career. Problem solved :~) Though I still have my "feminist moments" :~)
I believe that unless we're choosing to deliberately damage others or the planet, then we should be free to live our own style of life as far as possible, within the confines of our society. You shouldn't need to apologise for not having a nurturing nature & wanting to have contact boundaries. I shouldn't need to apologise for having a nurturing nature & wanting contact boundaries.
Rejoice in our differences, celebrate our similarities and stay as safe in ourselves as we can! For me that's the way to go :~)
Where as women "the weaker sex" (lol) in men's eyes of that generation, run homes and look after their man/men.
It's frustrating but too late to expect them to understand equality :~(
You're doing a grand job though :~)
Yet another aspect of generational differences colliding.
As I asked my mom to adapt her usual routine and I adapted mine, I explained it as "helping me to be able to help her". So calmly, decoratively tell her that while you can still take her shopping etc., you'll need to do it on your schedule.
And yes, I've wondered if I had a brother if he wouldn't have gotten a pass on helping.
No it is not awful of you to not to phone your mother everyday. If you set some boundaries for her to follow, life will be much better for you.
My Grandmother (who was in an assisted living facility) began doing this with my Father. After talking to her once or twice a day, he thought he was setting boundaries by not answering the phone anymore that day. My Grandmother would continue to call and leave messages, slowly spiraling into a very horrid state of panic and anger. None of us had any experience with dementia or any other brain disorder. But looking back on it now I can clearly see she should have been tested. I don't know, because of the lack of diagnosis, if her mental state could have been helped with medications, but I do know that the problem got worse, not better. So please, just be wary.
Hugs to you for being a great daughter!
Well, let's face it, some people are like that - but they're not the issue so let's gratefully ignore them for once. The issue is to do with people who have been more or less normal and reasonable in their behaviour previously, but who are now turning into phone stalkers who freak out if you don't instantly answer the phone. What's going on with them?
Sit in a chair and imagine that you have an uneasy feeling that you should be somewhere else but you're not sure where. Your thinking skills don't seem to be working; as you might feel, for example, if you'd gone without sleep for 24 hours and then were shaken awake just after you'd dropped off - you'd seem to be alert but decision-making and information-processing? Fat chance. You think your memory's fine, and the gaps where information is missing are something that you are unaware of.The only location you can picture with any certainty is a house you definitely lived in sixty years ago. The only people you are completely confident you have a connection with are your mother and father, who must be around somewhere but you don't know where to look for them, and your children; those are the physiologically rooted bonds that go deep into the heart of your being. You have a sense of dread and you're not sure why, but something isn't right. You must consult someone. Who you gonna call?
It is lonliness, for now, but will become much more predominant as time goes on. Is she living at home? Maybe now is the time for her to move to assisted living, or independent living in a senior complex where she would have somebody else to talk to each day, activities, day trips....
If you see a move in your mom's future, when dementia is in the picture, the sooner the better. The adjustment will be far easier for her as she may have some sort of an idea where she is.
Can your mother still drive? Go anywhere she wants? Work in her garden? Travel? Or is she limited by physical conditions? That physical mobility makes a big difference in the ability of someone to find her own interests and pursue them rather than turn to her family for companionship.
Funny thing is she doesn't bother calling my brother lol
My own grown kids don't call or text me every day. I don't expect them to. Where does this expectation and demand come from with our mothers? I think its very controlling.
Before my Mom was ever elderly I would call her everyday because she is extremely needy, sometimes I called twice a day. It was all drama and complaints. If I went a couple of days without calling she got nasty with me. Calling everyday REALLY too it's toll on me. Finally a counselor suggested I cut back to about three calls a week. Funny how we often feel the need for permission to take care of ourselves. Mom sulked for a long time but she eventually got used to it. Now that she is elderly and caring for my dad I call more often. I was back up to daily calls and it was too much. Now I take a day or two off a week but I do tell her ahead of time. If I know I have a long day ahead of me I tell her I will not be able to call until the next day. That seems to work.
I'm OK with calling as much as I do but that's the pattern I have always had. Now I keep the calls to just about ten minutes (they used to be much longer). I listen most of the time, Mom has never been very interested in what I am doing. I don't encourage her to go on and on but I do try to be supportive of her feelings. Sometimes the conversation is pleasant, those days I stay on the phone longer with her.
Each person is different and you must go with what you know is best for you. Your Mom has lots of support. You do your part, that's enough.
On another note, you said you suspect dementia might be setting in, maybe her increased neediness is a symptom of that?
She has been on the list for assisted living for four years because we are trying to get her into a rent-subsidized place. To do that, you go on a waiting list. She could get into somewhere sooner if she chose more than one facility, but she's chosen only one that she likes. She refuses to see or consider other facilities. Hence the long wait. The other option is to get her into another facility where she'd have to pay $3,000 plus a month. We've been trying to avoid that up to now, for financial reasons.
About the calling every day thing: I doubt if she's asked my brother and sister to call her more often. It's just ME she wants to talk to every day, and that's a lot of pressure for someone like me who has anxiety. I do think it's time for assisted living very soon.
My M used to beg a daily call too, then it got to be twice a day "So I can say goodnight." Pretty soon it would have built up to me never being off the phone!
My widowed BIL is now starting the same pattern.
My advice is to reassure her the days/times you'll call. On the time give yourself a leeway for events. Mum I'll call you Monday between 9 and 10. If I don't call, don't worry because it just means I'm in the middle of something & I'll call as soon as I'm free.
BTW it's lovely to read of folks who so miss loving parents & would dearly relish 1 more call. Sadly we don't all get that relationship and calls bring grief, pain, anger, lack of self worth and a whole bag more of not feeling good.
I suppose what I'm thinking of specifically is this request from her that you call her once a day. Would that actually be too much? - feel free to say yes it would, but I must admit that to me, not having to do it any more, that doesn't sound like a lot to ask. You would have to add some riders, true, such as that you may not be able to call her every day, but that you will let her know if you can't and she is to make a note of it -
Actually, what you could do is have a dedicated answer phone for her so that you could record reminders on it. Anyway.
- so that she doesn't freak out on those days when you can't call. And for the not wanting a daily litany of troubles, you keep the conversations very much within bounds, and as soon as they turn into poor me tales you say "well lots of love, I have to go now, speak to you tomorrow" and ruthlessly detach yourself.
But above all please yourself. The reason I make these suggestions is *only* that YOU don't seem to be comfortable with how things are, and that's the aim. Best of luck.