My husband recently joined the military so we had to move to a new state away from everyone and everything we've ever known. His grandpa had been living at a laundromat for free for the past ten years but the owner of it sold it and he was forced to move out. He is a healthy man but everywhere he moved into with his children he ended up complaining and moving out. Well my husband thought it would be a good idea to have him come live with us. I was fine with it at first but now I hate it! I take care of everything and cook for everyone. For some reason he thinks when I cook I need to serve him, he thinks I get to do his laundry, and basically do everything I do for my husband for him too. I told my husband it bothers me and he thinks I'm just being mean. He doesn't pay for anything. And expects us to pay for him when we go out to eat (we never get to go just us and our baby like a family he always wants to tag along). Another thing is that ever since he moved in I feel like my husband is just my roommate, because if he is not at work he is watching movies with him or playing pool or darts with him. I could be speaking and he corrects me and comes up with an obviously made up story from when he was young just to give me a "life lesson". I'm so drained, I have our 1 year old to take care of, my husband, I do online school, I have our home to keep clean, and now I even have to care for him and make sure he has all his medicine and make sure he makes it to all his appointments even though he had been doing it himself this whole time so I know he can do it himself! I am so drained, I'm only 19 years old and I feel like this is all too much! What should I do?!

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Update: My husband is currently deployed to Poland, his grandpa is still living with us. Last month he gave $200, but this month since my husband is gone he only gave $100. He still doesn't do anything around the apartment and we constantly get into arguments because he doesn't like to clean up after himself and he takes me telling him as me telling him I don't want him here. I also stopped cooking breakfast for him, I still made dinner for all of us but I guess he wanted to play victim and instead of eating what I cook he eats Romen noodles everyday, I see he is trying to make me feel guilty, but I feel much better now that I don't care about pleasing him in any way. I just hope he doesn't make little things seem huge when my husband is back and make me seem like the bad one.
Helpful Answer (1)
JoAnn29 Mar 2019
Stick by your guns. Maybe someday you will wake up and find him gone. Please, don't make life easy for him. He is a big boy.
Yes, Granddad is homeless. He was lucky he was allowed to live at the laundromat but it probably was illegal.

You are so young. Does husband plan on taking Grandpa wherever your stationed? Are you going to appreciate being alone with him if husband has to be away?

Most of us are older women that have raised their families. So been there done that. We would not do his laundry. We would not fix his breakfast or lunch. He is capable. 65 may seem old to you but its not. My DH, 72, does his own wash ( I worked) and fixes himself something to eat. On a military salary Gpa should be paying something for his room and board. He can make his bed and wash his sheets and towels. You r not his wife or maid. He can take his own meds and find transportation to drs. Call ur office of aging and see if they provide senior bussing. You should not have to disrupt the babies routine for an adult. If he is made to do and pay his own way, he will leave. He has it good with you.

Both you and husband are young. It wouldn't hurt to see if you can get some counseling to teach each of you how to deal with this problem.
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You are way to young to live this way. You need to tell your husband exactly how you feel and what you want. It seems to me that your husband doesn't have a clue to what is really going on. And may I suggest that you stop doing things for grandpa.

Listen to 97yoroldmom! You have the right to be happy and comfortable in your own home. It is time for grandpa to play with people his own age! He needs to move out!

I wish you the best of luck!
Helpful Answer (4)

As everyone else has already said, NO you are not being selfish at ALL! Grandpa is being a moocher, your husband is ignoring the sacrifice and extra work you have taken on, and you have to find a way to make him understand this arrangement is UNACCEPTABLE. Perhaps DH would like to go rent a place with GP, take on all the extra work and expense, then come home to you and the baby with a whole new and apologetic attitude. Give him an ultimatum.....get Gp OUT of here or get out yourself! You did not sign up for this mess, that much is certain. Gp is perfectly capable of living on his own, he's just too lazy to do it. Dh has to stop enabling him.
Good luck!!!!
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I love 97yroldmom's post! The only thing I'd recommend is HUBBY needs to do all this as he "thought it would be a good idea to have [his grandfather] come live with us."
Helpful Answer (2)

No Elizabeth.
You are not being selfish.
His highness has to decide if his GP is a guest or a family member.
A family member contributes, financially and physically.
A guest needs to move on. A visit has a beginning and an end.
You can get out the old Activities of Daily Living. (ADLs) and see which ones qualify GP for the assisted living he has set up for himself in your home.
You can contact the Area Agency on Aging in your county and ask them to come and evaluate your GP for any services available for him in the area. I doubt there are any for a moocher but senior centers usually serve lunch for a small price and he can find others there to share his stories with.
If he has a doctors appointment you tell him you are going in with him. Ask the doctor if he is physically able to work and to give him a cognitive test as he seems to think he is handicapped. If he is able to work start bringing up jobs he can apply for
each time he mentions a life skill you need to learn.
If he does have health issues that prohibit him from getting his own place then use the AAA to help you find housing for the indigent.
Drill down on exactly what the problem is that he at 66 isn’t able to care for himself.
If he’s a family member, Assign him chores. Take out the garbage. Vacumn the house. Clean the bathroom. Wash the dishes. Whatever needs doing.
He may have learned helplessness.
Maybe you can find him a job at a laundromat.
I once had to move to get away from my own self inflicted grandiose attitude that a family of five could move in with my family so that they could “get on their feet.”
Hopefully others will have better suggestions.
Come here and vent and get built up to fight for your right for a happy home for your child. Don’t get pregnant.
Helpful Answer (6)

I'm so sorry, Elizabeth! This is NOT fair, as you well know. Talk with your husband and tell him this arrangement isn't working. It might be different if your GFIL helped around the house and pulled his share, but he's not.

He needs to move out. Period. He doesn't sound like he has dementia or has an illness that requires he get physical/mental assistance. There's no reason that I can see from your post that he can't be on his own.

Talk to your husband. Honestly and bluntly. Soon.

Good luck, Elizabeth.
Helpful Answer (2)

There's nothing wrong with being a little selfish sometimes, your needs matter too. It sounds as though grandfather is one of those people who will take everything anyone will give but never gives back, I imagine he left his kid's homes after the honeymoon period ended and he was asked to pull his own weight.
Helpful Answer (6)

No Elizabeth, you are not being selfish.  You are facing the reality of a situation that you and your husband should've given more thought to before taking him in.  Not criticizing - you're young and someone should've advised you.  Your work load has probably doubled and as his grandfather ages, it will be even more demanding.  What if he develops Alzheimer's or some other age related illness?  If you've read much on this forum, you know how demanding this can be.

Your husband loves his grandfather and that's wonderful - but you are his wife and soul mate and his first consideration should be you.  Your post is full of "red flags" and you two need guidance.  You'll get a lot of advice here and I hope and pray you weigh all of it.  If you feel you can, share it with your husband. 

You're right, precious one - it is too much - and if his grandfather really cares about your marriage, he'll be willing to do whatever it takes to make this right.
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