Last night he was so upset about the bill for their aids. They just want me! They are fortunate to be able to pay! This is the second time in the last week he was really mean.
In dad's mind, he's wasting money paying aides when YOU could do the caregiving for FREE, that's why they're lashing out. Never mind it'll kill you with working full time, not to mention when are AVAILABLE to DO said caregiving? Mom has Alzheimer's/dementia so lashing out goes with the territory.
Tell both your folks to treat you with respect, please, or you'll stop coming by, which you do out of LOVE, not because they feel it's your job to do so. Dementia or no dementia, my mother heard me when I'd tell her to stop abusing me or I'd leave her presence. And if she didn't stop the crap, I'd leave. And I WOULD!
We hurt the ones we love because we CAN. That is to say we have to be so careful with others in social contacts, but with our family-- those trusted nearest and dearest-- we don't HAVE to be careful, and so our inhibitions and frustrations come out with a blast. BOOM!
That's how it always is with EVERYONE. Think about it. Your teen will say things to you he/she would never dream to try on anyone else. Your hubby might as well. Your roommate will vent frustration on you because he/she is used to you, knows you, trusts you, can be him/herself with you.
So the old song, We Always Hurt the Ones We Love, is correct. Next time sing a few stanzas to him!
You say in your profile that it's your mother that has dementia, along with other issues, and from the sounds of it, your father is a cheapskate and doesn't want to have to pay for her in-home care right? So...you must just tell him that he either has to pay for in-home care or pay to have your mother placed in a memory care facility which will be quite expensive as well. And make clear that you ARE NOT their 24/7 help, as you have your own family to spend time with, and that their(as in your parents)care is WAY above your pay scale. It's about setting healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for yourself and them. And next time your father gets "mean" just walk out and tell him you'll come back when he can talk nicer to you.
Are you their PoA? Does he have to see the bill? If they've got cognitive decline then they won't be operating from reason and logic anymore. Dementia also robs people of their empathy for others, even close family members. Paranoia is also a feature behavior of dementia. Is he on meds for anxiety or depression? If not, this may help him so maybe talk to his doctor about this.
I manage my 94-yr old Mom's financial affairs. Her mind still has plenty of capacity but not 100% and not every day. I put as many of her bills on auto pay as possible and review her bank statement when she asks. If she gets wound up unreasonably over something, I do my best to explain it and then wait to see if she keeps bringing it up. Often she forgets about it, so it's sort of like Groundhog's Day.
Your parents aren't being mean, they're acting out from their dementia because that's all they can do now. Try not to take it personally but also you must develop a strategy in response to it (like redirect, distract, walk out, whatever works) to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. It would also help you to learn more about dementia so you can understand how the disease is continuously changing them and strategies on how to deal with it.
Teepa Snow has some helpful videos on YouTube for this.
My mother has done the same. I'm thinking that if they've spent some of their lives not having very solid finances/living paycheck to paycheck, their fried brain may be regressing back to feeling like they're struggling financially.
Tell both your folks to treat you with respect, please, or you'll stop coming by, which you do out of LOVE, not because they feel it's your job to do so. Dementia or no dementia, my mother heard me when I'd tell her to stop abusing me or I'd leave her presence. And if she didn't stop the crap, I'd leave. And I WOULD!
Dementia does change things but it doesn’t mean that children shouldn’t set boundaries.
I have always admired your example of showing others how to respect themselves.
No one should ever say, ‘That’s just the way it is.’ If we have the power to make things better for ourselves then we should do it.
Changes don’t usually happen overnight. People have been conditioned and it can take a bit of time to develop a healthy outlook.
This is why reading different perspectives like yours is so valuable when going through the many challenges of caregiving.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. You certainly helped me during my caregiving journey.
That is to say we have to be so careful with others in social contacts, but with our family-- those trusted nearest and dearest-- we don't HAVE to be careful, and so our inhibitions and frustrations come out with a blast. BOOM!
That's how it always is with EVERYONE.
Think about it. Your teen will say things to you he/she would never dream to try on anyone else. Your hubby might as well.
Your roommate will vent frustration on you because he/she is used to you, knows you, trusts you, can be him/herself with you.
So the old song, We Always Hurt the Ones We Love, is correct.
Next time sing a few stanzas to him!
So...you must just tell him that he either has to pay for in-home care or pay to have your mother placed in a memory care facility which will be quite expensive as well.
And make clear that you ARE NOT their 24/7 help, as you have your own family to spend time with, and that their(as in your parents)care is WAY above your pay scale.
It's about setting healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for yourself and them.
And next time your father gets "mean" just walk out and tell him you'll come back when he can talk nicer to you.
I manage my 94-yr old Mom's financial affairs. Her mind still has plenty of capacity but not 100% and not every day. I put as many of her bills on auto pay as possible and review her bank statement when she asks. If she gets wound up unreasonably over something, I do my best to explain it and then wait to see if she keeps bringing it up. Often she forgets about it, so it's sort of like Groundhog's Day.
Your parents aren't being mean, they're acting out from their dementia because that's all they can do now. Try not to take it personally but also you must develop a strategy in response to it (like redirect, distract, walk out, whatever works) to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. It would also help you to learn more about dementia so you can understand how the disease is continuously changing them and strategies on how to deal with it.
Teepa Snow has some helpful videos on YouTube for this.
This is why nothing is making sense. His brain doesn’t function like a normal person.
All you can do is set boundaries as best as you can. I’m afraid that you cannot expect him to be logical.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.