I am so overwhelmed and uncertain of what to do. My parents are not very old, mom is 66 and dad is 71 but they have many chronic conditions that they have not taken care of. My mom has to use a walker to walk and mainly only gets up to go to the restroom and any outings require a wheelchair at this point. My dad who used to help my mom with bathing, cooking, and pushing her wheelchair has had a sudden decline in health and now only randomly gets up to go to the bathroom but is unable to consistently ambulate and keep himself clean. They live together in an apartment and my mom gets a caregiver 17hrs a week and we ware working on getting a caregiver for my dad. The VA has offered to place him in a senior home but he does not want to go and my mom also doesnt really want him to go either because she has severe separation anxiety from him and cant stand being alone. My mom has mentioned moving in with my husband and I if my dad ends up going into a nursing home but I honestly reslly dont want her to. I love my parents very much but we have a very strained relationship due to emotional manipulation, terrible financial choices, and crossed boundaries. My sister passed away 14yrs ago and my brother just passed away 8 months ago so it is just me now and I have had an extra hard time setting boundaries with them since my brother passed. I know the loss of my siblings has effected them a lot and It makes me feel guilty for not wanting to do everything for them but it also feels like they have forgotten they have one child left worth living and taking care of themselves for. They had me late in life and I feel like im just starting to try to figure out my own life in general but this is all just so overwhelming. I have no other family to turn to. I dont want to tell my mom no she cant live with us but i feel like i would be miserable if she did. I dont know how to afford the financial aspects of this and I have already lost a lot of money due to their poor financial choices. My mom seems to expect me to be there to help them everyday and at this point i feel like my life just revolves around work and my parents. If anyone has some words of wisdom or some suggestions I would appreciate it very much. I just feel like I am drowning and constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
This is already hard enough on you as it is.
It’s also essential that you not spend any more of your money on them. You need your resources for your own future.
I suggest that you and your husband present a united front: sit down with your parents and tell them the truth: that their living with you is not an option, but that you will help them access whatever free services that they may be entitled to via social workers in the VA.
It’s a hard conversation, but for the sake of your future, it needs to happen.
You are a good daughter, by the way. Say this to yourself 100 times a day: that doesn’t mean that you have to give up your life for your parents.
I’m sharing this from a place of understanding and faith. I care for both of my parents (90 and 85 years young), and my father is also a 30-year veteran. I know firsthand how overwhelming this journey can feel.
The good news from what you’ve shared is that you do have resources available to help you navigate this with the VA. Your father should be connected with a social worker — they can be an excellent resource and guide for you.
Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:
1. Have a crucial conversation with your parents. Share openly where you stand, how you’re feeling, and offer solutions that can help them help themselves. It’s so important to communicate lovingly, but also set firm and healthy boundaries for your own well-being.
2. Establish a Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA). Having this on file allows you to advocate effectively for them and ensures the VA team can speak directly with you. A social worker can walk you through this process.
3. Lean on your higher power (if you are a believer). I could not handle caretaking the way I have without leaning on my faith for guidance.
This is a process, and it will take time — but I truly believe things will start to flow into place as you ask for guidance and do what you can to support your parents in becoming as self-sufficient as possible. Grief can be paralyzing, for them and for you, so giving them grace (and giving yourself grace) is essential.
You’re not alone. You’re doing your best, and everything will be okay.
Yes, you will need to defend your boundaries relentlessly as your Mom in particular seems to not care what her demands are doing to you. When she calls, refer her to social services for her county, or her local Area Agency on Aging, or call 2-1-1 for resources. They need to get the message that you are not going to be their solution.
If things get bad for them and they aren't dealing with the caregiver is a mandatory reporter - unless this is just a privately hired individual. You can report them to APS who will step in and put their own solutions into play.
If you are not your parents' PoA then you have no power in this situation anyway, since you won't legally be able to access or manage their finances or make medical decisions on their behalf. The courts will assign them a legal guardian and your Dad will go to the VA and your Mom will go on Medicaid and you can visit them to your heart's content but not have to manage their care.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you clarify and defend your boundaries.
It takes an entire life time of good luck, good jobs, good timing and a ton of coupon clipping to make yourself safe in your OWN old age.
SECONDLY, your Mom and Dad about just about the age of my daughter and son-in-law. She is almost 64 and he is 71. They are both on their feet hiking and newly retired and active. I don't know what illnesses your folks suffer from, and am so sorry they haven't fared well, but they do realistically, chronically ill or no, have about two more decades to live.
YOU are not responsible for their care, their health, their finances, and you cannot be.
You have enough on your plate with your own life. You are responsible for your CHILDREN if you have them, until they reach age of majority. But not your parents. There is the medical system and they are in VA and will have the help of social workers. You need to pull back from assuming more care for them. The best place for YOU, quite honestly, would ne 1,000 miles away. Remember, there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions.
Your parents haven't made good choices and aren't making them now. Your throwing your own life on their burning funeral pyre is going to result in a very slow burn, and you well may die before them if you attempt it. Let them know honestly that you don't have answers for them. Refer them to Social Workers at VA and even to APS if you need to. Don't take this on. It will ruin your life.