Hello. I am in a very hard spot. I am thirty years old and since I was 19 I have been taking care of my mother who became paralyzed form the waist down. Normally as long is the injury isn’t a complete spinal cord injury, people can be very active live on their own and have fairly normal lives. But my mom is morbidly obese and that makes her not be able to compensate to her limitations so I have been taking care of her. She has become very demanding over the years and wants me to do everything for her. On top of this my grandmother had a stroke and we think she has dementia and my mother has made the choice not to put her in a nursing home, But because of her situation she can’t care for her so I am stuck taking on that as well. My father works and uses that as a Excuse not to take any responsibility to help even when he is not working. I have reached the point of burn out. They have effected me getting a full time job the past 13 years or having a social life. I want to get married and have kids but I don’t know how to juggle working, family and taking care of two people all the time. Not to mention I need to work so I have social security and savings when I am old and they are all dead and in the ground?
Make up your mind to take care of yourself first. Clear your head...hire from an agency or Social services a caregiver... & then go on vacation. This situation will only get worse because you’re the family “ doormat “ they made that out of you.
I have an idea...start your own Homecare agency business....or get a CNA ....at least it’s something that you have experience in....or you may want to go in a completely different direction....
Come back here & tell us how your life has improved & have joy.
HUGS 🤗
Time to take a vacation. Tell your parents that in a week you are taking a 2 week vacation. Find someone who will take you in for a short while. Or, if you have a little money, rent a hotel room in a nice town about 150 miles away.
Do not come home until the 2 weeks is up. This is a chance for your parents to see what life is like without you.
While you are gone, think clearly about your situation and how you can escape this abusive relationship. Realize that as you plan to go your parents will threaten everything including cutting you off from the family. The closer it gets to the time you leave for your own life, the more desperate the threats will become.
Do not accept violence upon your person. Call the cops if your father strikes you. Do not attach yourself to a man who will expect the same slavery you are currently in. You need to live on your own to find out what that is like. There are usually two sides to every story, but you need to be on your own, no matter what your parents say. Good luck.
You know, I'm glad that you figured this out for yourself at thirty. There are people who don't wake up to what's happening until it's far too late and they can't get their lives back. Well done to you, and I hope the new therapist works out.
It’s completely obvious that you have been taken advantage of.
I am quite sure that you didn’t fully realize the magnitude of the situation when you took this responsibility on.
No one fully realizes what caregiving involves. Especially younger individuals such as yourself.
You were a target because you were in a vulnerable position.
All that being said, I don’t know what caused your epiphany to make you realize that this isn’t working and never will.
I am very glad that you are reaching out and ready to move forward in your life.
Don’t you dare feel guilty about it! You aren’t doing anything wrong.
In fact, you’re doing everything correctly by forming a plan for your own future.
This isn’t your problem, nor is it your responsibility!
Let them handle it. Walk away. Don’t look back! They WILL figure it out because they will have no other choice.
You deserve a life of your own.
When you leave you will be teaching them an extremely important lesson.
It is high time that they learn not to try to take advantage of you or anyone else.
Wishing you the very best that life has to offer.
Take care and keep us posted.
You have been manipulatively USED so that you are trapped between being “Mommy’s Little Girl” and “Mommy’s FULL TIME MOMMY”.
Are you speaking to a therapist? The virus has created some pretty good sources ONLINE, and discussing your circumstances with an objective source might help you put on your grown up panties and develop a more adult focused sense of yourself.
It’s time for you to start developing a list off YOUR CHOICES, and how to facilitate them. If you are afraid that YOUR choices will disrupt the family calm that you have carried on your back since your mother enslaved you, that will NO DOUBT be the case.
A good topic to enter with an online therapist.
If you were to vanish today at noon, you can bet that your mother (and/or father) would quickly come up with plan B. So widen your potential vistas. You can’t “grow up” without doing so.
You have NEVER been allowed your adult personhood, and to get it, YOU MUST TAKE IT. No one here will tell you that making good choices for yourself and following through on them will be easy, but if you are determined to stop being “mommy’s caregiver” and being who YOU want to be, it’s time to start RIGHT NOW. THIS MINUTE.
Are you an only child?
You will have to make a plan and then stick to it. It might involve your parents cutting you out of their lives, but please realize that this should not affect your decision. You have spent over a decade being your mother's slave, so don't expect anything to change without taking drastic action.
Your parents love the slave help you have provided so far, and they are taking credit for keeping your grandmother out of a nursing home. They do not want things to change.
PLEASE make plans to get a fulltime job and get out of that house. Move in with a friend if you have to, temporarily. You must make the break now -- do not wait and lose your life further to unpaid and thankless servitude.
You are young, and your life doesn't need to be destroyed to the altar of elder caregiving, as we have seen happen so much on this site.
Cierra, please believe in and value yourself enough to make a break from these people. Keep us updated.