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Now I feel like if I say anything it will never be right. Oh I was looking on Facebook and came across an advertisement for a photo studio. I kept looking and it’s my youngest niece about 9 months pregnant. That really hit me and my poor mom said she won’t live to see the baby. Then I am down about my fil. He got dressed to go outside open the door and the girl asked what was he doing. He said he had to get his car to pick up his wife to go to the post office. I turn it over but is it okay to still feel something. I feel like the one year that I acted like everything was fine and I was in so much pain from the eating disorder I drank a half of a shooter. I am not there I feel like there’s something wrong with me.

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A friend who doesnt listen and tells you that you're wrong isn't much of a friend.
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mally1 Feb 18, 2019
Same as I say; and I've let them go for less....
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Staffbull,
It is a real thing, your suffering.
Time to take a short break from your "friend", who is not acting like a true friend just now. Do not burn any bridges, yours is not the only friendship stretched by one person's caregiving focus. You can decide at a later time if you still want to have a friendship, but for now, take a break without announcing it to your friend, just become kindly less available for awhile.
Caregiver Support groups, or a counselor/therapist can help you to talk it out.
As well as caregivers here can listen, and provide constructive feedback, because we are there, or have been. Share your pain on here.

You are loved, whether or not there is something wrong with you. Try not to judge yourself too harshly. Under the stress you are feeling, your perceptions of self and others close to you may become skewed. Take it easy! Be kind to yourself.
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I'm sorry your'e going through this with your friend Staffbull....That happened between my good friend and I too.I took care of my Mother 24-7, so ofcourse that's what I talked about. It was my life. And I thought of ALL people that would understand, she would and really, I needed to talk to a friend about what I was dealing with but instead, she'd change the subject and tell me to laugh and lighten up. Then she stopped coming by and calling and we ended up taking a break from each other for a while, Were doing better now that I'm not a caregiver for Mother, but it's taken some time.
I know it hurts and it's very unsettling when it's a good friend & I'm so sorry Staffbull.
I'm really sorry you hit your head so hard too.
Take good care of yourself~{{{hugs}}}~
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Staffbull18 Mar 1, 2019
Thank you sweetie and thank you for validating how i am feeling. You know how hard it is. I am probably the most upbeat person you have ever met and I thought in aa after all these years it was okay to talk if you are hurting but according to her no i go into detail too much. I felt better about myself when I first got sober. It’s just i feel like I have to watch everything I say. It’s really funny no one else says it. I look at her and her life always looking perfect Botox nothing cheap dinner with associates and her high school friends. But I don’t think she is real with any one. Her mom is 81 she is going to go through it but she will write a check. I am just so happy that my life is real I have to be true to who I am. I thrn she said she hadn’t seen me at a meeting. I was in bad shape for a week. But when she was not there I was. I just feel i have different rules than everyone else, if I say that I am feeling sorry for myself. Anyway thank you again
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You have been thru a lot this past year. I think, at this point anyway, you have to let it all go. So does Mom but that will be harder for her.

I have been keeping up with your posts. I said this before, this thing with your brother is not your fault or Moms. It was how your Dad wanted things. I really think your brother had been thinking about leaving farming and Dads Will made his decision. You can do nothing about how others feel or how they choose to live their lives. Leaving may have been the best thing he ever did. He may be happy with his decision and you are dwelling on something you have no control over. Let it go. Worrying about it will not change things.

Right now Mom is who your attention should be on. She has a new Will she is happy with. If she brings up brother, tell her you understand but you have to let it go. Tell her, lets enjoy what we have and maybe brother will have a change of heart.

FIL, he is not your worry. He is your husbands responsibility. You have Mom.

You just have to except how things are and are going to be. I would make a jester every so often concerning brother. Like u did before, I think you left him a message. You can send the niece a note congratulating her on her baby. Include a check to spend on what the baby needs. Tell her you and Gma think of her often.

I really hope that brother sees Moms side of things before she passes. Just know that this is not something you can mend. He has to.
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Staffbull18 Feb 17, 2019
Thank you sweetie. You have no idea how much you have helped me through. You are totally right. The thing is I feel like if I just need to be sad for a moment it’s not okay because I do have a great life. Others have it worse. I know i am sensitive but it really hurts when someone you thought you had a friendship with says something like seeing the picture of my niece shouldn’t effect me. I feel like she is a complete robot. I just feel like there’s something wrong with me everyone wants to change me. Well that friend. I am now terrified to talk in meetings. Especially if I need to talk about what is happening in my life. I thought that was what meetings were for. I am so confused. You and everyone else understands how we are feeling.
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I just need to get this out and ask if i am crazy or is there something wrong with me because I a lot of my life deals with taking care of my mom and fil. So when this friend said that we should be talking about fun things. Like what did you do today. And I should talk about me. Well talking about me i am guilty about at times because I deflect and talk about something else. I don’t want to it to be all about me. But she now says i talk about my mother appointments or bobs assisted living and him leaving. That’s what is going on in my life. Side note. I feel and hit my head three times head the back of my head each time. My pcp said that i had a concussion and rest there is nothing you can do. That was Tuesday last week and by Thursday morning i couldn’t lift my head off my pillow i was slurring my speach memory loss nauseous. I called my hair salon to check points that i remember but all i remember from the second call i was on hold she asked me what she can help me with. I had no idea. So they call this friend they were going to have the police check on me. She called and offered to sit with me and said no. I was supposed to go to my moms and take her to her appointment but there was no way i was driving. She reschedule and my husband was able to drive us. But she wanted me to call her after my moms appointment to let her know what id going on. Then I was going to urgent care Wednesday morning. I was going to try to get to the meeting. She basically said I am a great alcoholic I have an excuse for everything. I was up with a pounding headache all night. This is where I get confused again most people don’t go every day and if they are really sick they stay home. Well that’s not right for me. I told i have been going to a meeting every day except this last week. She said she didn’t see me i told her she wasn’t there when I was. She just wants me to talk about fun things and if you asked anybody else about what she is saying they will crack up laughing. So do I make up fun things. She asked me if she talks about how her mom is doing when we meet. First if I say something about her it is just a cute story but she is not taking care of her mother in another state this is my life and I think I am doing damn good especially with all the other things. I don’t remember if I told you I found photos of my youngest niece about 9 months pregnant. Of course my mom was sad and she said she will probably never meet the baby. I just said one day at a time. Her father has passed and she was drunk for the whole time. What am I supposed to talk about I have real things happening I know it’s hard to keep up on your Botox. That’s very mean I am sorry. I said okay tell me when I am talking about anything with people who are very dear to me and I will talk about something fun. She actually said that she doesn’t want me to walk on eggshells. I don’t know what do you guys think. I told her I feel like everything i do she is judging she said she didn’t think so then I said I was probably taking it wrong. All I hear is what is wrong with me. I am so sorry I really needed to vent.
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Thank you all for your support and friendship. I am not getting any hopes up but my best friends brother and my brother are very close and he told her that my brother health has improved but something had to change. If his wife left she got half of everything however there wasn’t going to be much. I guess my brother owed the grain company 40,000 so he took a loan out and then he didn’t have the money to pay for it thus all the liens. This is not directly from my brother but he knew it wasn’t fair to me physically or emotionally to take it on but he didn’t know what to do. It is what it is. I do know that our last conversation he said he knew that i physically couldn’t do it but he had no choice. He was on the verge of losing everything he had and then what if my mom bills took the rest. The thing is why couldn’t we have dealt with it as a family. You are right this has been coming for a while. And knowing my brother he feels like he has let down my grandpa dad and even my mom. He told the neighbor that he doesn’t even have a tractor to his name. I am just relieved that his health is improving that’s important but my moms health is just as important.?but i am not reading into this. I can only live one moment at a time. Thank you all
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See, your brother was under a lot of pressure that would effect his health. I agree, maybe you all could have worked it out but he was probably embarrassed. Farming was different in grandpa's and Dad's time. Now its big corporations. I live in NJ, the garden state and there isn't as much farming as there was 50 yrs ago. What there is is mostly soybeans. Farms have been sold off for Industrial Parks.
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Staff; You poor honey. Are you okay? Are you resting? Concussions are serious; you need to take care of yourself.

Do you have a therapist or counselor that you meet with?
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Staffbull18 Mar 1, 2019
I did just see my therapist and she honestly doesn’t even know what i am getting from this relationship. Right now i just feel beat up and tore down when i need to be supported. I am also going to a neurologist i don’t know if you remember that after my rollover accident I was diagnosed with cerebral atrophy due to the anorexia. So I am going in. I am so proud of myself I gained back the 10 pounds I lost through all of this. She has no idea how much of a fighter I am. Thank you for your friendship and support
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