My 92 year old mom is a toxic and emotionslly abusive person. This has always been true. Now the added dementia has made her worse. She lives alone 2000 miles from me with a part time caregiver. I also have cameras so I can check on her daily. Physically she is very healthy. My father died almost 2 years ago. She is kind and loving to her caregivers ( she needs them) but has no use for her small family (myself, husband and daughter). Her care is my responsibility and I'm doing my best to honor her but she resents me. I'm having trouble keeping my emotions at bay. I really don't want to visit her anymore unless an emergency arises. My daughter wont call her anymore either as she has been the brunt of abuse. I feel guilty about all of this. I am a Christian. Mom has no one but us and caregivers. No friends, outside activities and she can no longer drive. She has a dog who has become her world. It breaks my heart daily, but when we talk I'm triggered endlessly. Recently she thinks we're stealing from her. I know it is the dementia but I can't stop how she triggers me.Thx For any suggestions.
Your moms brain is now permanently broken and things with her will only get worse, so it may be time to get her placed in an assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached so she will get the 24/7 care she requires and will have lots of activities and other folks her age to engage in if she so chooses.
And of course your mom will use her own money to pay for her care and not you. And if money is an issue then mom will have to apply for Medicaid.
Like already said, anyone that was abused in any way should never take on the care of their abuser. Be grateful that you live 2000 miles away.
I too am a Christian, and I was abused by both of my parents growing up. After I was able to truly forgive them, I chose to be estranged from them both for over 20 years.
They are both dead now and I have absolutely no regrets as I had to do what was best for my mental health.
You have to now do what is best for your mental health as well, and only you can decide what exactly that looks like.
Guilt in entirely inappropriate.
We are to be guilty of and for things we purposely did that are evil, and that we refused out of wickedness to repair. That isn't you. You didn't cause your mother's limitations and you can't fix them. So you aren't responsible. Any guilt you assume is by your own choice, and not appropriate to the situation.
You are honoring your parent by attempting to function for her until her end when her own actions and limitations are in the judgement of her god (if she is a person of faith; I am not).
What would you think now to change about/for/with a person in her 90s. She has lived the life she chose and you live you own life, one in which I must assume you have chosen good and loving people who return your loving care. We have no power over others. We may believe in a god but we AREN'T gods, nor Saints, either. It's what I call a bad job description.
Make your calls to your mother less frequent and shorter, and when she goes into her usual schtick of unhappiness, tell her "Whoops, sauce is boiling over. Gotta go, Mom. Love you. Talk soon". And gently put the phone down.
Going by what you've said here, I wouldn't visit her either and your daughter is absolutely right not to call her anymore. If she got the brunt of your mother's nastiness and abusive behavior her whole life, she has every right to cut her off. You describe your mother as always having been 'a toxic and emotionally abusive person'. No one has a right to judge you(dont judge yourself because you're not wrong), if finally you call it a day with her and stop. You don't have to "honor" someone who doesn't honor you or even have basic respect for you. Being a Christian does not mean you have to subject yourself to the abusive behavior of another person.
You're right to believe your mother resents you. No doubt she does the same way mine resents me. My guess is you probably have a good husband and a close relationship with your daughter. Your mother doesn't have this and probably never did. Same as mine.
You are not responsible for your mother's life or her happiness. Communicating with her can be done through a third-party like her caregivers. Have her caregivers suggest joining the local senior center or moving into a senior community.
If you want to keep phone contact with her, do what I do with my mother. If she starts up on the phone, I hang up. If I'm visiting in person (which you should not do because you're 2000 miles away), the visit ends abruptly. I don't get angry and I don't give her the satisfaction upsetting me. When you call and she starts, hang up on her. Don't play her games.
A couple weeks ago, I took my mother to a doctor's appointment. Her aide was sick. I warned her ahead of time not to start with me or I would leave her there. She started getting snide in the car. When we got there I told the staff to call when she was done and I'll send an uber to get her home. She's terrified of ubers and called me hysterical and begging me to come get her.
Nope. The option me staying with her at the doctor and taking her home was off the table the second the behavior started up in the car. This is how you should be with your mother. The second she starts on the phone, the call ends. If you do visit her, stay in a hotel so you have somewhere to go when she starts up the behavior with you.
People that have been abused should not be caregivers for the person that abused them.
Now, you are not a direct caregiver, you are a care manager. that still does not protect you from the abuse that she wields.
As has been said in many responses on this forum, your mom has a broken brain. And her brain was probably "broken" before the diagnosis of dementia so you have sort of a double whammy.
Continue to do what you are doing remotely.
It is possible that her "part time" caregiver may eventually have to become a full time caregiver. Is that going to be possible? Or will you have to either hire more caregivers or place mom in Memory Care? I hope the caregiver communicates with you about mom's decline and if and when there is a need for more care.
If you are not getting some time with a therapist to vent and air out your feelings you should. You do not mention how old you are but let's say between 50 and 60 give or take 10 years (how do you like that for a ballpark guess🤣) that is a lot of years of emotional abuse that is rattling around in your head.
You have NOTHING to feel "guilty" about or for.
Secondly she is in a safe place, being cared for. You do not need to be in touch unless the home asks you for something. I presume you sort her finances and personal needs, that sounds as if that can be done remotely.
It doesn't matter whether you are a Christian or not, the fact that she is not open to you for different reasons cannot be solved by faith. Yes we pray for resolutions but it doesn't mean we get what we want; that is in the power of someone else.
You need to stop beating up yourself for what is happening and accept that she is not the same person due to an illness/disease. Her behaviour is NOT personal, it is the condition. Your daughter is right to step aside, it isn't her fight , she has tried. You should not ask for any more.
I will be praying for YOU to find some peace of mind but please think of some sort of counselling to help you deal with your perceived guilt. You have not failed you only have so much energy to give and you will be burned out if you can't find a way to take a break.
The mother is not in a "home". She is still in her home with part-time caregivers.