My mother n law can barely take care of herself anymore and her partner has terminal cancer. She depends on his income so when he passes, she can't afford to live alone in her house. She recently told my husband who's her only family member living that she may have to move in with us. I cannot live with my mother n law. I have no idea what's going to happen and my husband isn't saying anything
Would you put her up for the time needed for her to sell the house and have proceeds to move into a facility near you? Or after she sold the house?
If so, then it’s a “no, but.”
I would though, nicely and firmly, tell DH that you do not want MIL moving in with you. You cannot become her Caregiver. She will need to make other plans and it maybe LTC with Medicaid paying. Or a HUD apt where rent is calulated by what she brings in monthly. She can apply for Medicaid in home for an aide. There are resources out there. Call Office of Aging to see what they can provide.
So time to say "I know this is a bad time; you are dealing with your Mom's grief with her partner passing. We need to talk about this. When is a good time for us to sit down and talk?"
Then begin with what you know and what you don't know.
1. First of all, I doubt you know what will happen to Mom after this. Does MOM know? Has hubby asked? The home apparently belongs to partner?
2. Secondly, Mom has expressed "planned dependency". THAT is something YOU will not tolerate impacting your home and your marriage. A) Mom won't be moving in. B)If she does you will be moving out. B) So it is likely best to tell mom at this time that it is no time now to discuss the future. This dying thing is a step at a time. When it is over Mom can sit down with you both and discuss where she's at. She will have time for any move. She may need to go into care. She may need to take a room in someone's home or be a roommate. She may require your help in finding suitable living arrangements and grief counseling but she will not be moving in with YOU even temporarily.
You are confused and uncertain right now where things WILL stand when partner is gone.
Mom is confused and uncertain right now where things WILL stand when partner is gone.
Hubby is confused and uncertain right now where things will stand when partner is gone.
The one thing you can accomplish in this "talk" now with hubby is simply one thing, and one only given the uncertainties ahead. That is for him to understand that the day mom and suitcase cross your threshhold coming IN is the day YOU and your suitcase cross it GOING OUT. And be ready for that if you cannot make it clear in his head now.
This is all a day at a time and a step at a time and when someone is actively dying things cannot all be settled out. But your one boundary has already been crossed. Your MIL has made it clear she intends to move in with you if she wants/needs to.
Now it's your turn. You need to make it clear to hubby and to MIL that this WILL NOT HAPPEN.
Nobody is entitled to "inform" you of what THEY will be doing in YOUR home. MIL has a big asset....her home, which she needs to sell once her partner dies. Then she can maintain autonomy by continuing to have her own place in senior living where caregivers are on site 24/7. Your DH must speak up NOW however, because by saying nothing, he's agreeing to her demands. Not good. Get things straightened out right away. Hubs needs to pull up his britches and man up now to mother.
I recall when my husband said to our daughter in law, "we will not be moving in with you when our health declines." In short order, she replied, "oh, I didn't even know that was an option." Mic drop.
Do not let her move into your home because then you will become her caregiver.
Steer the conversation toward LTC and get her onto a waiting-list sooner rather than later.
She sells her house and uses the money to pay for assisted living or a nursing home , which ever is the level of care she needs .
You tell your husband EXACTLY how you feel.
You make it very clear that you will in no way care for MIL.
Start now and begin looking for Senior Housing. Most will have a LONG wait list so get on a wait list now.
If your MIL needs care begin the application process for Medicaid and find a facility now. Most that accept Medicaid want a resident to be self pay for at least 2 years before Medicaid,
If she owns the house that she is in now it gets sold (has to be Fair Market Value) and the funds from the sale will go to paying for the care that she needs.
I am not one for ultimatums but if you refuse to live with MIL what are you prepared to do?
Move out into your own place?
Divorce?
Accept the move. If you do this also make it very clear that you will not be her caregiver and that she will have to pay not only for the caregiver but will have to pay her fair share of ALL household expenses. So if there are 3 of you in the house you divide all expenses by 3. Mortgage, utilities, Insurance.....
And if hubby insists she does, then you tell him that if his mother moves in, you're moving out. And stick to it.
We'll see just how good he does taking care of his mother, changing her diaper, helping her shower, cooking for her and all the rest.
I bet it won't be long that he'll be begging you to come home and help him find the right facility for his mother.
So start looking into nursing facilities for her now and she can sell her house to pay for her care until she needs to apply for Medicaid, as you DO have a say in this matter.