I do not want to go see my Mom in assisted living. Any ideas?

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It breaks my heart & she spends the entire time making me feel guilty.


My mother has been so mean to me over the last years & didn't want to spend much time with me. Now - I had to move her into assisted living as she was turning off her a/c in 115 deg Phoenix weather & turning on her heater. I had no choice but she is not happy & continues to tell me she is moving back to our home town in Texas. She can't walk & hasn't driven in over a year and continues to tell me I won't ever let her do what she wants. After about 30-45 minutes - I'm jumping out of my skin & doing everything to get out of the place. Everyone is very nice there & the place is very clean. As my sister continues to remind me - mom has never been happy with anything or anyone - I need to let it go!

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Wow! Okay, first let me straighten out a few things. This was not my original post. I do however identify strongly with the frustration the poster feels. My mother is now in what's called Residential Care. I refer to it in my posts as a nursing home as it's more than Adult Foster Care - but I mainly use NH for simplification purposes. My moms particular place is owned and run by registered nurses and the care is heavily medically oriented. But thanks cmagnum for the support! My mother is neither unwanted or abandoned. I have spent the last five years taking care of her - the first two of those years included my father as well. My mother has always been difficult and selfish. My best example would be when she used me as a human shield while someone pointed a gun at her. I was five years old. But hey, no ones perfect, right? I have seen my mom from her house to independent living to assisted living to where she is now. I see her three times a week and other than her cat - she wants for nothing. In spite of my best efforts she has been cruel, manipulative and demanding - getting more so with each passing day. But I continue to pick up the phone whenever she calls and go running to do her bidding at a cost to my husband and my disabled son and my own health and sanity. I treat her far better than she has ever treated me. But Texaslady - you are just plain wrong. My mother lives where she does because I love her. She receives far more attention and skilled care than I could ever provide. I could have moved her into a dump at a fraction of the cost but I wanted better for her. I spent two months looking for the best place I could find when her AL facility said she needed more care than they could provide. And more than that - if I didn't care for her, didn't love her I would have left her in her house to die in filth and squalor. But more than that Texaslady - if you feel the way you do, what are you doing here. This is a SUPPORT site. Are you here to preach and judge? The narrowness of your thinking - your "truth" is staggering. You are an ignorant hypocrite to misuse scripture in such a shameful way. Go preach your poison someplace else. This site is about support and help - without judgment.
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Been there, done that. Maggie, nice warm fuzzies but, in reality, nothing is ever good enough, never will be, and you are the enemy to be berated and blamed for everything that ever happened. As I said, been there, done that..
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I think my answer would be in agreement with Maggie, but then I don't have a crazy narcissistic mother. I'm not clear on whether your relationship with her is a long history of emotional abuse or just the heartbreakingly unpleasant side effect of increasing dementia. I think if you once had a good relationship with your mom then you suck it up and visit, and you learn to set boundaries to protect yourself. If mom was always cold and belittling then you visit seldom and manage her care from afar as much as possible.
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Texans lady - you know nothing of my childhood, the type of daughter I was and am nor my mother. If you want to thump your bible how about "judge not, that yet be not judged".
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I would ask why you torture yourself and let your mom be mean to you for a long time? Go every other week (or once a month) for 15-20 minutes. Keep the visit short and the minute mom starts to complain, you're out of there. Keep it light and breezy. What good are you doing her to visit so often? It just reminds her she wants to be somewhere else and makes you miserable. You've done your duty - she's safe and cared for in a place with nice help that's clean. Your caregiving job is done! Don't feel like you have to continue to be miserable. Visit a LOT less frequently.
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If you have trouble letting go, the go see a therapist to help you move forward.
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As others have suggested, reduce the number of visits and the length of the visits. Your mum is being looked after and the visits are distressing for you. There is no benefit to anyone in you getting so upset. The guilt you may feel at not visiting more or not having better visits is not based on you dong anything wrong, It is not easy to change our ways with our parents, to detach to a degree but sometimes it is worth working on that for your sake and for hers.
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On the internet, Texasladybren, statements made in all capitals is considered shouting. Maybe you are not aware of that, but it is. It's considered rude and bad manners.

Their is a big difference between nursing homes and foster homes. Foster homes are usually for children who are either orphans or who have been removed from unhealthy family dynamics. Nursing homes are for people who need 24/7 care that is beyond the ability of one person to do.

Rainmom's mother is in an assisted living place which is quite difference than a nursing home.

Anyhow, this is a place for support and not for being judgmental and offensive. .
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I was born & raised in Texas so I consider myself a Texas Lady but as I read your comments - I'm saddened by your comments. I have cried many many tears over my guilt & I did not need you to be shaming me or making me feel any worse than I already do. Thank you Rainmom for re-enforcing my reason for posting to this site - I too think of it as a support & guidance for all going through the time!
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Regarding TexasLady's replies, I agree wholeheartedly with Garden Artist. I have worked as a fundriaising and program/organizational development consultant for both child care programs including foster care, and nursing homes. As in everything in the Universe, there can be no good without a corresponding bad - and vice versa.

Briefly - TL has NO idea what she is talking about. My MIL will be moving to a Memory Care facility nexty month, after spending the last 15 months with us. She is now at the point that we can no longer provide the level of care or stimulation she needs. Thus, we researched and visited a half dozen facilities (and would have seen more if needed). Interestingly, we were surprised and dismayed to find that the 3 Catholic ones were at the BOTTOM of our list for what we would consider quality care. I was also very surprised to find that a for-profit facility was, in our educated opinions, better than any of the non-profit facilities we looked at.

Several years ago, the NY Times ran an article about "toxic parents". There were hundreds of comments - many would make anyone cry. TL must have blinders on not to know that there are parents who should never have had children. Seriously.

Finally - only a very selfish parent would INSIST that their adult child - hopefully with a happy and successful life of their own - would sacrifice YEARS of it to care for them. I deeply hope that TL's daughter will make the right choice for herself, her children, and her marriage/adult relationship - as well as her own financial future - when the time comes.
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