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Even after 41 yrs married to her son, we never got along. Moved to Fl (1200 miles) to get away from his family. We were happy. Then Jan 2019, my husband went up north, realized that she cannot care for herself, and brought back not only his mom, who is in full dementia now (which did not make her nicer) but his 58 yr old extremely overweight mentally retarded brother. My husband's health is starting to deteriorate so I am left taking care of all 3 of them while working a full time job. I see no forums for people taking care of family members that are not good people. Forums are all about how they love their parents and sad they are losing them to this disease. I am angry and depressed b/c of the life we had and how drastically it’s changed in 18 months. We looked into facilities but we simply cannot afford them. I guess I just needed to vent.

Ugh, well get yourself an apartment and have your husband come over for dinner and a movie! 😉 (I know it’s not that easy....or is it?)
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Oh I forgot, my sister could go to a group home but doesn’t want to and I was shamed by my family for trying to make her, even when I know it would be good for her. It will happen eventually though and I have told her that there will come a time when it will just so she knows to expect it. For one she took rides from strangers because she didn’t want to walk home when she went to the store 1/4 mile away. That is now a deal breaker and she knows it. Your BIL can probably get a waiver and go to a home where there are people to care for him 24x7 and it won’t cost you anything! They are trained to help people with ID and we are not!
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You are not alone. My sister is 58, has a “mild” intellectual disability and type 3 diabetes. My family told me she was having some issues with her living situation. I had not really been around her for 30 years as I moved a lot. Needless to say it was not a good situation when she moved her, and decided I was going to care for her while she did nothing. So while I do love her, I knew she could not live with me because she has been spoiled and was having tantrums and hitting me or leaving or being dramatic and saying ugly things. I finally found her her own place and check on her and gently detached. So no not everyone has that loving feeling and not every person needs to be a caregiver. It’s not realistic and doesn’t always work. My sister wasn’t good for me and I could not help her, I got the state to kick in and she now has a nurse, care giver, physical therapist a few hours a week and meals on wheels. I take her food and money every week and before COVID I tried to do an outing every couple of weeks, though she is capable of taking a bus but doesn’t want any responsibility. She occasionally tries to lay a guilt trip but I ignore it. My point is that you don’t need to feel guilty. Some individuals need more than we can give and if we stop self care to do it all everyone loses. Get help! It’s out there.
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Have you told your husband how you feel? Have you told him that while he forced this living situation on you, he does not get to demand that you do all the work. Is there any way you could take a little break...stay with a friend....so your husband sees how much all this really is.
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You have come to the right place. Here you are welcome. There are more caregivers on this forum who are treated badly by their families than those whose lives are “ just peachy”!!! There are so many knowledgeable caring people here who will do their best to provide information to help with your situation. Sure hope you can get your home snd husband back and your home to yourselves!! Hang around please!! Liz
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You cannot have been here long if you have not seen family members who are caring for elders who were cruel to them, who gave them nothing, who in fact abused them. There are very many of them on forum, so please do read some posts.
That said, I personally know my limitations. I had a wonderful Mom, a marvelous Dad, the best brother in the entire world, and there is no second of the day that I thought I could take care of them in my home. I could not. It never came to a point where I had to make decisions for placement in care, but had it, I would have.
As far as affording facilities, that is not up to you. The parents can enter into care on medicaid or other assistance, and that is what should happen. As to your husband, you either will be able to stay in care of him (you do not tell us in what way his health is deteriorating) or you will not. That decision comes AFTER the placement of Mom and Dad. If your husband refuses to cooperate in the care and placement of his parents then you will be forced to leave the situation, and the three will do what they would do were you to walk across the street tomorrow and get mushed by a semi.
I am so sorry you are going through this. If you cannot continue, then you cannot continue. Please know your limitations. Saints get shot full of arrows and then they die and people pray to them for eternity to fix all their problems.
You will be judged. But that is neither here nor there. People love to judge others. It keeps them from having to look at their own lives.
Provide what support and assistance you are able from your own small apartment.
Covid times are hard times to make these decisions in, but it is a good time to speak frankly with your husband about this not being a life you can continue to live, and about the necessity for you to make changes with him or without him. You have my every sympathy. Not everything can be fixed or made nice. Read up on the forum and see what people are dealing with. You will be amazed.
Good luck. I hope you will update us as you move forward.
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cherokeegrrl54 Aug 5, 2020
I totally agree 200%!!!
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Oh poor you. I can relate. Having to care for someone else's mom is another thing. Even if related to us by marriage but still not our birth mom, somehow I just can't relate to MIL. I can't connect. Shes just a greedy lazy dirty cunning old lady. I just have to care for her but I hate her. You have 3 people to care for and that is definitely not easy at all. Sometimes I get so worked up and stressed and exasperated I forgot I've been holding my breadth. Damn. So draining.

Sorry if I sound mean or some people may disagree. But I wish there was a huge nursing home and the ' problem people' are rounded up and dumped there while all us poor exasperated tired worn out mentally broken caregivers are given brand new free home make overs, we have free massage sessions, given a long 1 week cruise trip and paid romantic dinners and hotel stays for a few days with our loved ones, - our men. Ahhhh!!!! And after all that , you come home to just you and your man, and a new clean home to enjoy and relax with our own lives. Shouldn't life be like that?!!!!!
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Lindajc2 Aug 7, 2020
We are definitely kindred spirits!
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There are different qualifications for Community Medicaid and NH Medicaid. Please look into this.

https://aptible.familyassets.com/nursing-homes/resources/medicaid/florida

Also, find out if Florida allows a pooked income trust to dispose of excess income, or if you can "spend down" excess income. In any event, you should be able to get each of them under the income cap.

It looks like Florida has a Medicaid Waiver program for those with Intellectual Disability. When you applied, did you mention that to the caseworker? It's crucial information in this situation.

https://www.google.com/search?q=florida+medicaid+for+intellectual+disability&oq=florida+medicaid+for+intell&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j33.11465j0j4&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&
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Lindajc2 Aug 7, 2020
Thank you!!
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I don't know a lot about Medicaid but I do know that she may still qualify for Medicaid even with SSI. If you personally did not do the research to find out the options for your MIL and your BIL, then I suggest you circle back and get more details of financial options. Your ability to provide housing for them is not a given. If she did not live with you, where would she go? Start researching facility for her and group home for him. And get your life back.
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Lindajc2 Aug 7, 2020
Thank you!
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Ah, Linda, this is horrible! I hope you can find a way to get both of them out of your house. This is so unfair to you! Keep posting here, and you will get encouragement as you work through the steps to make things better for you.
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My post is ur BIL. If he is on Medicare is Medicaid not his secondary? And if not, why not? He is on Social Security Disability?

I ask because I have a disabled nephew. He receives a small amount of SS and Medicare and Medicaid. He lives on his own with a housing voucher to help. You should be able to get BIL into a facility with Medicaid paying. His income cannot be that high. You may be guardians but your income does not have anything to do with him. I would Contact your County disabilities dept and find out what resources are out there for him.
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Lindajc2 Jul 27, 2020
We were told that they make to much in SSI to qualify for Medicaid
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Tell us why they don't qualify for Medicaid? Have you talked to an Eldercare attorney or are you basing that on reading a website or talking to friends? In other words, have you applied and been turned down?
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If your mother and BIL do not have money, they should qualify for Medicaid and live in facilities.  Hard to look during corona, but start researching which ones you want.   Get their medical records from wherever they were.   Start applying, social worker/business office at facility can usually help.  If they have no money, you do not need eldercare attorney, but you may need one for you and DH.
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Lindajc2 Aug 7, 2020
My husband will not agree to putting them both in homes. I know unfair since I am the one taking care of everything. It’s a lost battle
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Geez, what a bum deal! I would be angry and depressed too!

Your BIL and MIL need Medicaid. This will be based on THEIR income, not yours.

If nothing else, their SS/SSI and whatever monies they have should be paying for caregivers coming into your home to help with their care.

Does your husband hold Power of Attorney for his mother? Is mother the guardian on the handicapped brother?
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Lindajc2 Jul 25, 2020
My husband has POA over his mom and we both are guardians over billy. They both have Medicare and are not eligible for Medicaid. We have gotten sally into a daycare 3 days a week, which helps my husband but she’s home when I get home. It’s not so much about getting help for them, it’s more about me trying to find out how to cope with sally. I seriously don’t like the woman. I’m resentful that I’m stuck w/ her. Her other son, Patrick wants nothing to do w/ her ( again she really is a terrible person so much do that her own son ( not my husband) refuses to take her in or even take her for a week or so. Her only other family is her sister who pretty much feels like Patrick..’not my problem’.
I am a 61 years young, I’m a good fun person. I’m educated, & enjoy life. I get along with most everyone. Until January 2019. I don’t like the person I’m becoming, .. having only 2 emotions, anger & depressed. This forum is going to be my therapy. I feel a lil better just putting these Words on paper, so thank you for allowing me to type what I can’t say out loud.
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Welcome to the forum. This is not one of those forums where everyone feels honored to care for their aging loved ones. We are real people, dealing with difficult situations and topics. So please feel free to say it like you feel it. There are people here that understand. Not everyone though, so be prepared.

Have you checked into Medicaid?

Your brother in law should qualify for all kinds of assistance because he was born mentally retarded. Your MIL can get qualified if she is in need medically.

You should contact the local counsel on aging, aka area on aging and ask them for help. They have all of the resources available for your area in easy to use formats.

This will take some time on you and hubbies part, but you need to make changes and figure out what resources are available for all of you. And there are resources available.

Grrrrrr! I feel for you having 2 needy adults dropped in your lap and then the person doing the dropping becoming needy. Statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for, it is no wonder you and your husband are struggling. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Lindajc2 Jul 25, 2020
Thank you for being on my side. I’m waiting on a callback from the dept of children & families to see what ‘help’ is available. I appreciate everyone’s responses and suggestions.... linda
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There are Group Homes that would take his brother.
Begin the process for Medicaid for your MIL. If at anytime she requires hospitalization tell them prior to discharge she is not safe in your home, you can not care for her properly and it would be an "Unsafe discharge"
Begin to look for options for your husband. You do not say in your profile what his problems are but if there is any way you can get help you need to find it. (Is he a Veteran? Are any of his medical problems possibly caused by his service? If so contact Veterans Assistance Commission they will help at no charge) You also may want to see an Elder Care Attorney.
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Lindajc2 Aug 7, 2020
My husband will not agree to putting his brother or mother in a home. It’s a lost battle. This formum is for me to get advice on how to handle my feelings, not so much about thinking of ways to get them out of my house
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