I'm at a loss as to what to do,
83y Mom, lives 1000m away, no DX, but plenty of dementia signs...
I thought maybe it would work itself out, her issues would get worse to where intervention was mandatory...
I tried to call but it was difficult to talk with her bc she was always "paying bills", on days she seemed good- I'd gently suggest UTI or nutrition deficiency...
Out of blue she didn't answer calls, my internal alarm went off, I was so worried, had police do welfare check.
Her Neighbors (who I approached last Fall bc I thought they cared, and bc concerned that they convinced my Mom to just give away her minivan among other things, at time they insisted my Mom was fine, and said a bunch more hateful stuff to me & that my Mom wanted nothing to do with me & which my Mom vehemently denied, saying she never ever said that to them- including that she was scared of me bc I tazored her, which later on she stated she was wrong about- that it was my 10y son who did it!) Anyhoo--
Those neighbors said they dropped Mom at PDX, she flew to ATL, picked up by her in-laws there & taken to SC! (Where In-laws live.)
The police informed me of all this, I had already spoken my concerns re neighbors and they were concerned, so actually called to speak with my Mom, who said she was fine.

I immediately called my 81y Aunt who I really have no r/s with bc my Mom kept us cut off from all family and r/s just never developed, wouldn't let me talk to Mom. Said she was in bathroom, etc... I kept calling and always put off.

Finally my Mom answered cell and sounded so flat voiced. Then Aunt took cell, and wouldn't put Mom back on.

Her cell has been turned off since. It's been nearly 1mo. I would call my aunt's house phone and only talk to my aunt, my mom was never available and never called me back and it didn't matter if I wait did she just had another excuse why she couldn't come to the phone. In the last month I have only been able to speak to my Mom 2 times, she sounded completely off each time, and 1st call told me that we "threw her away" and that she was going to sell her house and everything, & move into a nursing home, I reminded her that was always something that she did not want & she started to say something else and the line went dead & when I called back there was no answer.

Again when I called back just got to speak to my aunt, finally this morning I really needed to talk to my mom because at the end of the day she's my mom and I just needed to talk to her and hear her voice! Of course my aunt answer the phone saying that oh my mom couldn't talk because they were late to go shopping, I finally persuaded my aunt to please let me talk to my mom and she gave me the phone & I could hear my aunt whispering to my mom.
I I asked my mom when would she be home and that my now 13y son and I would drive up to her house in July for my birthday and we would stay in the trailer and we would just try and spend time together, I told her if she was worried about anything that I would sign a paper saying that I would not go into her house and try to throw away anyting or throw out any expired or spoiled food, that I would not do anything like that and that if she asked me to do something, that she would put it in writing as well so that later when I did what she asked and she accused me of whatever, she could look and see what she had written, I said I just wanted to spend time with her and that was that.

She she actually acted like it was something she was interested in but said oh that it was way too late to make plans for this weekend, & I said no for my birthday in July, & I can hear my aunt whispering & finally in Mom's mid-sentence my aunt grabbed phone &informed me that she was not letting my mom leave, that they had all sorts of plans incl traveling!! They've already been running around town (COVID19!!!?), Stuff my Mom wouldn't do etc.

I'm worried re my Mom health, safety, and YES concerned in-laws see a big $$grab!!!

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I would call Adult Protection Services the the County ur Aunt resides in. Explain that you have been kept from talking to Mom except for once when she just didn't sound right. Tell them you have expected Dementia for a while now and think she is being taken advantage of. Explain Aunt is not a blood relative. Ask for a well visit. And ask that the eval not include the people she is staying with. They need to talk to Mom alone. They need to ask if she is willing to go home with you. Once you get the results of eval ask what you rights are as her daughter. Its then I would go out there and get her. To the point I would ask police to be present while u pack her up.

You do realize when all is said and done, Mom probably needs 24/7 care. You will need to plan for this. She may not be able to assign u POA. U may have to go for guardianship. Yes its costly but u may be able to be reimbursed with Moms money. Medicaid may allow it.
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HelpIDKwhat2do Jun 2020
Thank you for your thoughts,
I went to her bank today, spoke to agent who suggested it sounded like elder financial abuse, he looked up her acct, could not lawfully share much except to say from activity he saw, it seems like a red flag, her acct was froze and another reopened, maybe fraud he doesn't know... He said he's seen this before, it's all to common :(
He also said off the record, I need to seek conservatorship of her, and I need to go get her.

He told me to hope for the best, but expect the worst and be prepared for it!!!

Unfortunately, I have a job and I cannot leave right now, & I have a 13yo who I can't leave alone.

For now, I'm going to try to call her, get her on phone and ask yes/no questions, so as not to tip off Aunt, but probably she'll use speaker phone, but I'll try. Ask her why she closed accts, what happened etc,
And ask if shouldn't she prosecute (if theft)??

Most likely I will leave unreturned msg's, but shows I tried. Aunt may answer... I will demand to speak to Mom.
&Until I can talk and better understand her, I am not willing to tip off Aunt by having anyone check on my Mom,
Besides, she'll probably know them, & I expect they will believe whatever she tells them.

Thankfully, I've never done anything criminal, and I haven't ever stolen from my Mom, etc, but I have multiple times helped her...

Right now, I'm just going to pray 🙏
Seek an elder care attorney!
Mom maybe just fine, but the thought of money does crazy things to people.
I apologize if you already answered this, but does she have a POA?
I do know that when someone passes without a spouse, children are the next of kin. You have rights!
Maybe call the police near in-laws and request a welfare check since they don't seem to be willing to let you talk to her. At least you would have piece of mind as well as documentation. And document everything!
God bless!
Helpful Answer (2)
HelpIDKwhat2do Jun 2020
Thank you, as far as I know, no POA, by now she has most likely signed over everything to the in-laws. I know she had some type of trust? At one point, I know she had a will. I know she spoke about changing it after my brother died in 2014, and a couple years ago, she said she was going to leave her home to my son, she talked to him asking if he'd like that...

Somewhere in there, Aunt convinced her to sell all her family land for pennies on the dollar, to nephew... She said I still had oil rights...but I had liked the idea of the land...
Anyways, I'm guessing all of that is changed or soon will be.

All her credit cards were cancelled, she told me that before Aunt hushed her. Her cell is off.

I rec'd email stating her cable had been paid, then next day email stating she cancelled it, then a follow-up email stating fee charged bc pymt didn't go thru (bc of cancelled card), and another charge bc box not turned in.

The week before she left to fly across the country, she had been happy bc she found a Christmas Nativity set she painted 45yrs ago, it's beautiful, and she wanted me to have it, I think I may have said then I'd maybe come for my July bday? Idk we were just talking... But she seemed ok, and then she was gone.

Do these in-laws have a blood relationship with your mother - is this aunt your mom’s sister or her former sister-in-law? I’m not clear.

I will leave it to the others who know more about the legalities, but if you do not have POA or conservatorship of her, she has the legal right to live with these probable crooks.

I would keep calling the in-laws and your mother, regardless if it goes to VM. I would send a letter via USPS certified, their signature required to in-laws listing your concerns and giving them blocks of days/times you will be calling for a meeting to discuss your mother and her health. Send the same letter (via USPS certified her signature required)to your mother & ask her to join in.

See what happens from that. They have the right to refuse delivery. You will get the letters back & do not open. If the in-laws refuse, that starts your paper trail.

Google & read the steps to get POA and conservatorship of her. Understand them like the back of your hand.

There has to be some lower cost lawyer who does this stuff. Mom’s not going to get better. Take action & make a lot of noise.
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (4)
HelpIDKwhat2do Jun 2020
Hi, thank you, great advice re paper trail, and also to keep calling... To clarify, My Mom is with her (deceased) brother's wife, so her sister in law, & my (81yo) Aunt, who has a son & dtr also living in same city in SC.

When I met with them as an adult, I was turned off by how materialistic they seemed... they came into money when husb/dad died.

My Aunt remarried and her husband has been DX w/ Alzheimer's & lives in memory care.

Aunt says Mom has no issues, or problems, that she is perfectly fine... This is simply NOT true, had she admitted Mom had some things going on, it would have been more believable. I can only assume it's outright lying, which makes me think their are ulterior motives on Aunt's part. (Coupled with not being allowed to speak with Mom)
sorry for typo mistakes above, using a voice typer, but I just wanted to say that my mom's Worst symptom still seems to be that she is hallucinating and seeing a man and woman in her house but it's always a man and woman! It sort of made me feel like maybe she was actually seeing the man and woman, the neighbors across the street?!

They they have a key to her house. I did suggest all of this to her but she said no that it was definitely not them but she also insisted that she would see me in the house as well, and I have not been there, since last fall. So because of all that I was actually planning to come visit her in July for my birthday, I'm her only child and I thought it would be a celebration of my birthday and something that would sort of help strengthen our relationship and work towards mending it while also giving me an opportunity to actually look into some of the senior services available where she lives, I plan to get meals delivered to her house and things like that but I wanted to be in person to set it up and even facilitate having her meet these people.
Unfortunately unfortunately it seems I waited too long and I'm just beside myself with worry! Also I have to say that the in-laws AR I'm not sure the right word for it but I do know that they have taken in elderly relatives and basically taken everything that they had because my mom was appalled by some of it, because it affected her favorite and my favorite aunt and if my aunt had not given me something years before they put her away, I would not have anything from my aunt, and as it is my mother has nothing from her favorite aunt who helped raise her. Because those in-laws took it off, the in-laws the sister-in-law was married to her brother. He is deceased. And while my mom liked the sister-in-law, they were not close at least according to her, I'm just at a loss and guessing there's nothing I can do.

I I spoke to an elderly acquaintance, to see if I was overreacting, and as soon as I mentioned anything she immediately said I need to get on the next plane and go to South Carolina! That is something I can't do because I have a child and a dog and I cannot afford to do all of that, not to mention the whole Coronavirus pandemic!

Should should I consider driving across the country and just show up in South Carolina at my aunt's house, and demand that I see my mother? My aunt remarried that her husband has been in a nursing home for a number of years, he has Alzheimer's. My aunt's wears that there is nothing wrong with my mother at all. And I would be okay with that because I would love for it to be that she just had a UTI but unless you got meds for it how did the UTI go away? And what about the hallucinations that she had in March and April and even early May? I just don't know if there's any recourse at this point, should I quit my job and drive to South Carolina? Because if I go I'm going to lose my job so... Maybe I could try to take a leave of absence!

I I realize people probably think I'm a fool, and while I am actually an intelligent person, this is something that I don't really know about and I just hope people will be nice to meet here, and offer real help, if there is any to be offered, I appreciate anything and everything thank you all, this entire website has so much wonderful information
Helpful Answer (0)

There is really no other answer than to go to see how your Mother is, and what the status of things are. So looks as though you will be having to make a trip when you feel it is safe to do so. I am glad you have the support of your son, but he is a bit young to help you; are there any other family members.
If you do not get some satisfaction for the way things are being handled when you arrive you may have to contact Adult Protective Services, so gather in those phone numbers.
Wishing you luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
HelpIDKwhat2do Jun 2020
Thanks, I think I will have to go. since I wrote , I spoke to person who said same, except she said show up and bring Mom home.
So now I am considering this.
Actually going cross country and showing up unannounced, get lay of the land so to speak, and depending... Get my Mom alone with us, go on a drive and just keep driving!!

The problem here really is, if my Mom is lucid at times, or not?
She is/was such an intelligent person and I think still is, but then at times she will come across more like a bewildered child.

What if she doesn't want to go? I obviously would have to leave her, but what can I do? I mean, can I put something in place to protect her? Probably only if she agrees to it?!
If Aunt has POA, can I fight that?? Can my Mom change it if she hasn't been DX or is considered ok?
I realize I have to learn this... I just don't know if I can... I think I've reached my stress max level :(

My young adult dtr was recently dx with schizophrenia, and is off her meds & currently missing on the streets of Los Angeles, self medicating.
I just can't take any more pain.
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