I didn't get to see her before she passed on.

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I posted yesterday that my grandmother was "actively dying." Today I woke up to a text from my uncle that she had passed on early this morning. I was going to leave this morning on a 2-hr ride to go see her and comfort her. But I couldn't get there in time. I can't breathe I can't stop crying. She was my best friend. I don't know what to do. It hurts so much. I know she is in a better place. But I just am so frustrated and angry and disappointed and distraught with myself for not trying hard enough to find transportation last night. She's gone now. I can't see her anymore, or hear her voice, or hear her tell me she loves me. I feel so hopeless and I can't stop crying. How does anyone deal with this feeling?

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt the way about my grandmother too. You can take comfort in the fact that your grandmother got to hear your voice on her last day. If you believe in an afterlife, you can still talk to her and tell her all of the things you wanted to say to her. She'll hear you.

I wasn't with my dad when he passed and felt bad about that for a few months, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. But I was there for the years leading up to his passing and that's the important thing. Those final minutes aren't nearly as important as the years preceding those hours and the love you show your loved one. {{{Hugs}}}
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I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I wasn't there for my mom either. We took her to the hospital for dialysis. The rest of the family stayed at the hospital with her but I had two elementary age kids I had to take home. She passed away at somewhere around 4:00 in the morning. I was devastated. I didn't think she would die. And I felt such guilt that I wasn't there for her. I still do and that happened in 1988. I will be 66 this month, February 2018. A few days after her death, I began to feel bombarded with too much commotion and noise in my house, so I decided to take a walk. It was a relief for me because I could finally be alone with the memory of my mom. As I walked, my mom walked with me. And tears would flow from my eyes. I tried to remember everything about her, her laugh, and the way she smelled even. I remembered the times she would take me shopping, and then we would go have a hamburger at our favorite A&W. And we would talk and laugh about silly things. Oh, those were rich memories. Sometimes at night I would beg for her to come see me, but she didn't. Oh, I forgot to mention, 25 years after mom died, I was going through a box of mementos and came across some letters bound by a rubber band. They were written by my mom. Each child received a letter. My mom had come to see me in a way. I don't know how those letters got in to one of my boxes without me ever seeing them, and they weren't dated. Very interesting occurrence. Oh well. You can never get over the loss of your mom, but, I promise you it will get easier. Try to remember everything you can about her, I think it might bring you comfort. Your mom doesn't blame you for not being there. She would want you to be happy and not feel guilty about anything. She loves you and always will. Prayers for you...
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Big hugs. It's just awful and there's no help for it. Don't suppose you even feel like making a hot drink, or that you can go outside in the fresh air and have a private cry?

Day One is 24 hours, that's how many you have to get through. Then it will Day Two. Then Week One. Month One. First birthdays, holidays, New Year...

It doesn't hurt less but you get more used to coping with it. Hope the people around you and your therapist will be a comfort. Hugs again.
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I'm so sorry for your loss of your grandmother, and I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly.

You haven't even had *one* *day* to take this in. Give yourself a chance! Take deep breaths, put one foot in front of the other, and keep going. Do you have anybody with you right now?
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It's good to cry and to grieve. It's normal. Don't try to stifle it.

I had cared for my dad in my home for several years before it became too much for me so he went into a nursing home. And while he had never had dementia his personality was changing. I now understand that it was because of his liver failure.

So I would visit him in the NH frequently. We were very close and as far as he was concerned as long as I was there everything was ok. He deteriorated quickly so we called in hospice.

I last saw him on a Tuesday because I was working 12 hour shifts. He was out of his mind that Tuesday and I comforted him the way a mother would comfort her child. I held him and brought his head to my chest whispering reassurances to him.

Friday I wanted to stop and see him but I had worked 14 hours so I went home but planned on getting to see him the next day, Saturday. As I was driving home Saturday night from a very long shift with still another 12 hour shift to work the next day I postponed seeing my dad until the next day. My 3-day weekend of 12-hour shifts would be over and I would have time to spend with him.

I called the NH when I got home around 10pm and they informed me that my dad had just died. They hadn't even had the opportunity to call me yet as it had just happened. Had I stopped in to see him I would have been with him when he died and this realization hit me very hard.

I didn't sleep that night and somewhere in the middle of the night it became ok that I wasn't with him. It's not like I was off carousing or intentionally ignoring my dear father. I was working, I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Still, I waited for the regret and guilt to wash over me but it never did. I devoted years of my life to caring for my dad. I gave him a good and loving home in the last years of his life. I took care of him, I supported him, he was able to watch my teenager daughter graduate from high school. I did what I thought I was supposed to do and I did it well.

So no, there was no guilt, no shame, no regret. I knew those emotions would be toxic so I avoided them and I came to terms with the fact that my dad died alone in a NH. Of course I wish I had been with him when he died--I had to drive right past his NH on my way home that night--but I was working so hard because I had not worked for several years while I cared for him and I was broke.

My family reassured me that it was alright that I wasn't there, they were supportive. And so I stayed OK with the fact that I wasn't there that night. I did nothing wrong, nor did you. We don't know when it's our loved one's time. We can't know to any degree of certainty and we have to live our lives. Grieve for your grandmother, love her, miss her, and remember her.

You're right where you're supposed to be right now.
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Take some comfort that she slipped away so quickly, isn't that what all of us really want?
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Missionmorgan, I am sorry for your loss, it is hard to lose our best friend especially when it is also our beloved grandma. She knew that you were coming and just maybe she wanted to spare you the pain of being with her as she departed that worn out old body. You say you know she's in a better place, rejoice that you will one day see her again, as a young healthy happy being. Remember this as you grieve your current lose, it will help you to face each new day.
May God grant you grieving mercies and may you feel His care of you in your time of trial.
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Thank you countrymouse. No I don't have anyone with me right now. I have roommates but they are asleep. I have an appointment with my therapist later so that will hopefully be helpful. I've just never felt pain like this before. My heart hurts, my lungs hurt, I want to throw up. I was able to talk to her on the phone yesterday before she passed. She didn't respond but I know she heard my voice. I just wish I could have been there to hold her hand, brush the hair out of her eyes, and sing to her. I don't know what to do. I miss her so much. I can't believe she's gone.
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Dear Morgan, when my dad passed away not only was I away overseas but I missed the opportunity to hear his voice one last time when I called earlier the day he passed.

I can only speak from my experience, I had a “nightmare” the night before he passed, where I felt a pain like no other. Woke up covered in sweat and crying desperately, my heart getting out of my chest, I just knew it had to do with something terrible. Could not call right away because it was the middle of the night for my parents. In the morning I still waited until it was a normal hour to call, my mom answered and said they both were fine and my dad was leaving to run a few errands but that she could tell him to come back from the car and talk to me..I said no, trusting he was ok and it had been only a nightmare. He never came back, had a heart attack. My sweet dad.

I’ll never forget that experience, but same as I cannot explain what happened with that “nightmare” and my daddy passing, I cannot explain you how or why, but I’ve felt my dad with me accompanying me, supporting me, consoling me in my most hardest times. It’s almost palpable. Also in normal days.

I’m not a religious fanatic and I’m not crazy (well, I think we all are a little crazy!); but what I’m trying to tell you is that your grandma truly hasn’t left you Morgan. I don’t want this phrase to sound just as a “consolation prize”, but I truly believe true love never ends, we transform into something else that we’ll never understand until our times comes, but love doesn’t change, if anything it grows as it becomes eternal. Your grandma is with you and if she could, I think she’d tell you that this is all temporary, she’ll always love you as much as you’ll her! Tell her you love her now, I think you’ll know she is loving you with all her heart! You’ll feel it.

God bless you Morgan!
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I felt guilty for going back home to my house and pets the night my mother died. We truly thought we had more time and we were all very tired from a weekend of family that came for Mothers Day. I now remember how hard it was for her to "be in the moment" one-on-one, so this must have been a huge effort for her. Sometimes we think about what we need for closure and not what they need. Your grandma felt your love.
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