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My elderly mom has been in nursing rehab for many months (dementia). A few days ago I received an email that she would be discharged in a few days. I tried to email them and say it is not safe for her to return home but they said the rehab's social workers gave the OK. Mom has an older man who lives in the house and the social workers said he could take care of her meds and be her "caregiver". I work full time, live out of town and have been trying to get her on medicaid, manage her bills, taxes, the house and her care remotely. She does not have a POA.
The housemate made a wreck of the place and I am not sure how competent he is. He is a nice guy but If anything happens to him or he decides to leave there could be a big problem.
The local social agencies have been USELESS and lawyers are hard to get booked at best. At this point I have to ask, should I try to find emergency backup care in case her friend can not manage? I would like to see her in a quality long care facility. Stressed and tired. Thanks

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What is your mother‘s financial position? Would she qualify for any form of government assistance like Medicaid long-term care? She no longer meets the criteria for what we call skilled care which would be the rehabilitation center. She does, though, meet the criteria for a memory care facility. It sounds like if she has dementia, and assisted-living, or group care home. These can be incredibly costly, but my suggestion would be to apply for state assistance now and they’re going to do a five-year look back. And require that she does a two year spin down of her assets most likely unless she has less than $2500 in cash and assets (depending upon the state). Otherwise, memory care is extremely cost prohibitive. I would say my average resident is around 10,000 a month. Unless she is completely financially indigent, the state really unfortunately doesn’t do a lot to help. You can always call your center on aging care, etc. and department of health resources but your best bet is looking for permanent placement and seeing how that fits into your in her life financially I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
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Have to update. The first crisis has occurred already. Got a call that she is not responding and may be out of it. I told the man taking care of her to call an ambulance. Not sure why that was even a discussion. I need to speak with someone about long term care and finding the best place for her. This can not continue.
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SnoopyLove Apr 1, 2025
Thank you for this update! Hope your mom gets the care she needs in the right setting, soon.

Please keep us posted.
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OP you say “the rehab place interviewed her friend and did their own "assessment" and cleared her to go home”. You think “she will probably backslide from not having proper care”. Even if you are correct (and you may not be), you don’t get to make the assessment. M and her friend made their own choice. You have to wait and see.
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Wasn't her rehab covered by Medicare?
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Hello -
I was in the state of panic because the news of here release was so abrupt. Right now I am really tapped out with work and things piling up. If she wishes to go home then I will back off and allow that to happen. Perhaps this may be the best thing in the short term. She is able enough to do cleaning and get the place in order. Her housemate seems to be on top of her meds. I am keeping a close eye on things, especially her accounts.

The big priority is to research her income sources and put something together for her tax service then get her taxes done.

I did get an email from the rehab place. They feel the housemate is adequate and she does not need much care. They said she became pretty independent. I know her improvement was a result of being supervised and taken care of. Hopefully she can continue to thrive.

I am not sure what to do about her pending Medicaid applications. The application the rehab worked on may not be complete. I have not gotten a straight answer. She still has 42K in her portfolio. I just found a total bill for her rehab services for 70K! Perhaps it is time to look for an attorney to help. This is getting to be more than I can deal with.

Sorry for the convoluted rant It has been a rough week.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 14, 2025
Sorry for the rough road. Just a thought, I had POA for my dad and was surprised no one asked for it even once. I did all kinds of communication with doctors, managed his finances (mainly to stop the constant hit ups he was getting for money from endless charities and some unscrupulous relatives) sold his car, the list goes on, minus using POA. You may not have such luck, but protecting her finances and doing the Medicaid application are worth acting like you have more control than you do. I agree her going home is best, she will either be okay or prove she cannot handle it, either way you’ll learn valuable information. I wish you peace
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We here so much on this forum where a person is sent home because they say someone is there to care for them and there isn't. Do you think the facility calks this person to seebif they are willing to do the caring, no.

I assume this housemate is not her husband. BF or just a roommate. Is he willing to do her care giving? If not, he needs to tell the SW he is not caring for your Mom. He can say he is just a roommate and will not be responsible for her. Tell them you can't care for her either. She needs to transfer to LTC from rehab because its an "unsafe discharge" to send her home.
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MargaretMcKen Mar 14, 2025
I would assume that the facility does in fact contact the person who they are told is going to care for them at home. Lies from patients are very well known, and a facility that didn't check would be open to 'unsafe discharge' complaints and loss of license. Of course there is a risk that the person may not realise what is involved, and in fact may not be capable of caregiving. But I really doubt if they don't exist at all.
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You tell us this...."The local social agencies have been USELESS and lawyers are hard to get booked at best. At this point I have to ask, should I try to find emergency backup care in case her friend cannot manage."

It's almost impossible to act for a NON-cooperative senior.
Secondly, it is almost impossible to act from another locale.
I know because I operated for a calm, agreeable, and cooperative brother from one-half the state away (far enough for me to need to fly).
Both in terms of having to BE THERE often the first year of working to give all entities new mailing address and billing instructions and setting up branching banking and create and manage POA, attorney (there) and etc. it was quite the nightmare. That 5 years ago was how I got to this Forum, kicking and screaming.

Now you say that authorities aren't helpful. Which authorities?
Have you contacted APS and asked for wellness check?
Do that today if you have not.
Tell them you tried to prevent discharge because this gentleman is not competent to help and that the home is a disaster and you are "terribly afraid" mom is in trouble. Tell them she will not allow you to help her, and tell them you believe she needs state supervision and guardianship.

I caution you not to take this on. Your mother has had her life. We all die. She apparently wants to die in this squalor with this man.
Allow that then, or allow it until the NEXT call, when again you can attempt to intervene with social workers. What have you BETTER to offer her? Extended care living an extra year or so? No thanks. I say that as an 82 year old.

Not everything can be fixed. I believe if you take this on, the anxiety, which in my case was grade A stuff, will overcome you, and moreover your mother will NEVER thank you for her being in care. She will die begging to return home; you will feel at fault.

The older I get the more I can allow for the RIGHT, and perhaps even the preference to die at HOME in almost any condition.
There is no perfect in the world of extended care facilities; I myself believe they are about to get WORSE than they already are.

Call APS. Let them intervene and tell them without there intervention your mother may well die at home, and there's nothing you can do about that. And that is the god's truth.

I hope that you will update us.
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kenmtb Mar 14, 2025
Im sure you are right. I have contacted Office for the aging, Southern tier Independence Center, Legal Aid, Action for older persons, nys.dfa. None have provided much help or have been accessible. If things go south I will try adult protective services. In the mean time I need to find someone to make long term plans with for her future care. I want all of her hard earned money to go to the best care possible.
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Has this male friend agreed to take on the care of your mom? If not then what?
And why did you email the rehab center instead of going and getting in their face stating loud and clear that this is an unsafe discharge, or at least call them, and that you won't allow it?
If mom has no POA you will just have to wait until the next "incident" happens and hope something can be done then.
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kenmtb Mar 14, 2025
He has agreed to take care of her meds and help with daily activities. She is fairly independent and not needy at the moment. I am afraid of his lack of house cleaning skills and some commons sense issues.
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Without you (or anyone) being her PoA you have no power in this situation. I would work on convincing her to assign you (or another trustworthy, competent and local) person as her PoA and explain to her what happens to people who don't do this, then become incapacitated: they get assigned a legal guardian by the court. Someone they don't know and don't get to choose. The housemate is too old to be her PoA as he may start having his own problems, cognitive or medical, and it is unknown whether he is trustworthy or not. If he made the house a wreck, then consider calling APS to report them once she's home. He may not be up to the task to really helping her to the level that is appropriate.
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Do you have reason to believe that this older man pushed the facility to release her for financial reasons? In other words, so he can have access to her SS checks and other assets?

Have you contacting APS yet? Or just local Agency on Aging and social services? If you haven't called APS, that is who you should contact, along with maybe the police to do a welfare check as necessary.
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“The the rehab's social workers gave the OK” to M coming home because of the friend who lives with her. While the care isn’t perfect, it’s ‘good enough’. That's frustrating for you, but the friend agreed and chances are that was what your M wanted.

Your difficulty is that “if anything happens to him or he decides to leave, there could be a big problem”. It sounds as though you have to wait for that ‘big problem’ to happen. Then you can arrange another chance for her to move into care because there is no alternative.
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