I care for my mother with dementia, Afib & CHF. Brother came to visit & tell me he has prostate cancer. Do I tell his son?

Hi just an update. I clarified with my brother his condition. Well I did the best I could, he confirmed the diagnosis again & that he’s been told it’s in his bones & the doctors give him a year. Hard to hear but got through that & asked if he would tell his children. He said he would but then he came to visit mom 2 weeks later & said he didn’t care if I told them but he figured he’d die of old age so the cancer is not a big deal. He was done telling people. I swear my whole family should be tested for dementia! I think he forgot he told me about only having a year. Anyway I took the bull by the horns, asked my nephew to meet up & I told him. He was shocked, taken aback, saddened but above all glad I told him. I told him I didn’t want his father to pass & I knew he was sick & didn’t tell him. He agreed that would’ve been possibly an irreversible rift between us. We are close in distant way. He’s a grown man living his life with a young family & older children from a previous relationship, he also works 60hrs a week. I don’t think he has a horrible rift with his father, I think he’s busy & isn’t good at keeping touch. His father sees it as rejection & imagines ways he may have caused a problem. We met Saturday & he drove up to see his dad on Father’s Day-until we met he wasn’t planning to do that. My brother didn’t say anything to him but with the wife & kids around he didn’t expect him to. Now the ball is in their court & I can stay out of it. My nephew is 1 of 3 but the other 2 are out of state & out of touch with me so I told him to tell them. Thanks again for your thoughts & encouragement to do the right thing.

This site & all of you are a life line. I found you because of mom but there’s so much more here. Thank you for taking the time to be a sounding board, a place to cry & sometimes to just read I’m not alone.

Momshelp,
I think it is a great plan to drive out to your brother's house to get more information and see what he wants.

I wish you all the best. I am sorry that you are going through so much.

Stage 4 prostate cancer combined with his other health conditions does not look good, I imagine he's going to get really sick soon and will need someone to care for him. I don't know what to tell you, your hands are already too full....

Ok I think I’m going to figure out how to drive out to his place. It’s 1.5 hrs one way, & ask him if he minds I share his condition. Get better details too because he just doesn’t seem to have a grasp on things. I have enough on my plate with mom, my own health problems & I can’t add his health too. He said he didn’t understand the cancer diagnosis the doc was referring to was about him until the doc hugged him. Maybe a quiet face to face without mom(oblivious thankfully) and sis-sis will probably tell everyone anyone. Her nickname growing up was “the times”. Once I have more info, he shared he’s on a once a month shot for 3 months then it’s chemo. Also he said his docs want him to go to a bigger hospital 30 miles from him but he refused. He lives far, alone, getting harder to drive & on a fixed income. I’m thinking I need more info. I’ve just been in shock I guess. Thanks for your opinions I’m agreeing with all of you

Unless he specifically asked you not to share the info I would. Family crap and who hasn't contacted who aside, this is not a time for all of that. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to mend fences or spread the word but he chose to confide in you and I know if I were in his place, whatever the reasons for the distance, I probably wouldn't tell my estranged family both for fear of rejection and for fear of it seeming like I was just looking for something, kind of like only being in contact for money. But if I were his child, your niece or nephew, I would forever feel cheated or worse guilty about not knowing my father was dying (which is what it sounds like is the most likely outcome) and the same would go for my sibling. You don't have to pass judgment one way or the other, in fact better to say you aren't and they can do what they want with the info but if I were you I would certainly tell my siblings as well as my nieces and nephews. That's just my 2 cents

Isthisreallyreal, a phone call out of the blue from him to his father would tip off brother I said something. I’m guessing I probably will do that though, maybe in a few weeks. Thank you

Maybe his past life makes it seem impossible for him to reach out, unless he specifically asked you not to share the information I would tell his son.

I would tell the one you are in touch with to call dad. Then dad can tell or not.

I am sorry you are going through so much.