I’m trying not to sound like I’m only thinking of myself when I say this, although now that I’m proofreading, it sounds like I am…
I’m 23, and my mother is 59 with issues such as heart disease, COPD, and a hiatal hernia. She denies it, but she suffers from manic depression and bipolar disorder as well.
I promised her as I child that I would never put her in a senior home and I would always take care of her, but now that I’ve been doing this caregiving duty for the past 3 years, it’s taken a huge toll on my mental health. I can barely care for myself with my own mental illness, let alone a whole other human being.
Just now, I snapped on her because I called 911 for what she said felt like an oncoming heart attack. The moment the sirens were within the vicinity, she told me to call back and cancel. We already had 3 hospital visits this month and the one prior to this, she walked out AMA. All because a nurse gave her attitude. The moment I falter - like forget to get her water, cigarettes (yeah, I know… she’ll lose her mind if I told her no), or snacks - she calls me a failed daughter and caregiver. She berates me if I’m not giving professional-level care. She throws the elderly abuse card on me when I don’t have time to buy her cigarettes on my way home from work. The stress of caring for her while also being absolutely verbally destroyed by her is killing me.
I’m beyond burnt out, and I’m unable to start my own life due to this. I try my best, but I can’t tell where I’m going wrong. I’ve told her many times to get a professional caregiver but she refuses. We have no additional family to come help because I followed her to move across the world away from everyone we know.
I understand this comes from her mental illness, but she refuses to get therapy. I love her to death, but there’s only so much I can do for her as a waitress with no education and no time to consider my own future. What can I do - for lack of a better phrase - to get her to think more reasonably? How can I convince her to get a professional caregiver, or to be more understanding that I’m just not caregiving material?
Your mother is WAY TOO YOUNG to be needing a caregiver and her health issues not that serious to require someone to look after her.
And you are WAY TOO YOUNG to be throwing your life away because for some reason you believe that she can't survive without your help or the help of others. She is using you and you are allowing her to. I can't help but wonder why.
People with your mothers issues often live by themselves and take good care of themselves. Why is it that you feel that you have to be her caregiver? I mean really. 59 years old is very young these days and she could very well live another 40 years.
Are you willing to give up your life for another 40 years for your mother? I sure hope not, and that you're smarter than that.
You should be working full-time, or in school, and living on your own and enjoying your life.
Your mother is more than capable to live on her own and take care of herself. And as long as you continue to do for her she will never have to step up and do it herself. So perhaps for now you find a friend to live with and tell your mother that you're moving out in 2 weeks and that it's time she figure her life on her own, as she is NOT your responsibility, and you are NOT her keeper.
One of you has to be the adult in this situation and since your mother would rather take advantage of you than be an adult and be responsible for her own life, it looks likes you're going to have to step up to be the adult.
Please remove yourself from this sick situation and get on with living and enjoying your life.
Yes, you love her because she is your mother but you certainly don’t have to love her behavior.
I fully realize that her mental illness may be causing her behavior. She has the choice to seek help. It’s not your fault if she chooses not to.
You are too young to be dealing with this. These years are for building your future, not for being a full time caregiver to your mom.
Clearly, your mom doesn’t respect you as her daughter. She hasn’t earned your respect. Walk away and don’t look back.
If you feel that you must help in some way, leave a list of pertinent phone numbers for her. My suggestion would be to place NAMI at the top of the list.
Best wishes to you. Keep us updated. We care.
Leave her to her own devices; she's an adult and not that old.
Manage your own life. That's YOUR job. Let her manage hers.
My mom lately has taken to telling me that my father would be turning over in his grave if he saw how I was treating her. Well, then, maybe it's time to hand her care over to the professionals!
I'm 47 and in a better position in life than you are currently, but it still hurts to be treated so poorly by your own mother. PLEASE take care of yourself!!! Get the heck out of there, go even to a women's shelter and get some help. And please keep us posted!
Thanks to people close to me I have come to realize that I DO deserve my own life and I'm managing the guilt of not caring for her at my house. I know I couldn't handle her care mentally OR physically because of her condition.
Please get help now for yourself so you can begin your own life, which you deserve. She is the abusive one and you are not doing anything wrong.
I wish I had left my mom when I wanted to in my early 20s. I let her manipulate me into staying. You are not obligated to her just because you are her child. I wish you the best. I know how hard it is to have that kind of relationship with your mother. Learn from people like me and take your life back now while you are young!
1. trying to reason with an unreasonable person.
2. trying to keep to a promise made as a child.
3. feeling guilty for not being Super Caregiver Woman.
If Mom were to walk out of a hospital AMA and you weren't there, would she (be able to) leave anyways? According to her doctor(s), is she physically and mentally capable of living on her own?
You can't help her the way she needs to be helped. Talk to her doctor (if he has a social worker on staff, even better) or the social worker at the hospital next time she lands there, whichever happens first. Make it clear that YOUR health prevents you from continuing as caregiver. It isn't safe for either of you.
Talk to your doctor about the toll caregiving is taking on you mentally and physically. Hopefully, they'll provide you with actionable next steps to take.
You deserve a life and your mother is selfish in her desire to have you give up your entire life to take care of her.
The only solution is if you move out and stop taking care of her. If you keep doing for her she will have no reason to get outside help.
I hope you do it there are many posters on here who gave up their lives for a parent like your mother. They are now in their forties or fifties or older with no end in sight.
Get out now while you can. Time passes so fast and before you know it a decade or two will have passed.
Time to move on before she destroys you.
She could live another 30 years and you would be over 50 yourself, still taking care of her. Is that really what you want for your life?
She is an adult, let her figure things out for herself, it is not your job.
Good Luck!
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