For 7 years now, I have been taking care of my husband. He has congestive heart failure, diabetes, COPD, dementia and as of almost 4 months ago renal failure. I work full time, some nights I get no sleep, some three hours and a really good night maybe 5. I cannot afford help, every time he is released from the hospital they send in a nurse 3 times a week who is there maybe an hour, but he fires them right away. We have been married for almost 18 years now, but I found out too late that he is not a nice person, even before he became sick, I was called every name in the book, in 2011 he had his first heart attack and open heart surgery, from there he just kept getting worse and worse. I have had food thrown at me, I have been spit at, he tries to trip me. After having been in the hospital for 44 days, they sent him to rehab for 20 days, then home. He was home for only 6 days because he wouldn’t go to dialysis, this last time I was able to get him into a skilled nursing facility, on Monday he signed himself out AMA, and I am right back where I was.
I'm exhausted, I want to scream that out, and it means nothing to him if I have to stay up all night to help him, he told me point blank, that he is the only one that matters, not my kids or my grandchildren, not his kids, he is the only thing I should be focusing on. I can’t do this anymore, none of his family wants anything to do with him, because they know how horrible he is. So what am I supposed to do, somebody please tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do? I help him on snd off the toilet, I wipe his backside, I bath him, so somebody tell me what the hell am I supposed to do.
I just sent you a private message.
And in the meantime, if he gets violent in any way again, call 911 and tell them that he can not return home ever.
Be strong! You can do this.
Is his dementia medically documented? Get it done ASAP. If he won't do it (lie if you have to in order to get him to a doctor to be evaluated), then I agree with the others to consult an attorney immediately.
If you can get him to a doctor, write all your concerns, including the domestic violence and the possible dementia, and send it to the doctor's office in advance of the visit. Tell him you CANNOT care for him and put the doctor on notice, so there's a paper trail. Then do what your attorney advises.
If you chose to hospitalize him again and rehab is suggested, send him. While there, have him evaluated for 24/7 care. (Not sure if a Hospital would do this) If told he needs it, inform them then that sending him home will be an "unsafe discharge". That you can no longer care for him physically. If he is transferred to a Nuring home, they cannot release him if there is no one to care for him and you refuse to do so. This is the time to do what you want. If no assets, get him on Medicaid. His SS and any pension will go towards his care unless you claim Community spouse. Then u get to stay in the home with enough or all of his SS to live on. If you are on the deed, you maybe able to force the sale of the home. You being able to keep half the proceeds. Then u can do what you want and tell the NH they need to file for guardianship because you no longer will be responsible for his care. I would run this scenario by a lawyer. Or, if you can afford to just walk away.
See a lawyer now for a consultation. It maybe in your best interest to take what you can now. You maybe entitled to half of what is in the bank acct if you share one. There was a post saying this needs to be done before the divorce papers are filed. If you share an acct, you may want to open your own and have your paycheck put there. Living off his and urs just supplimenting when u need to. Get your ducks in a row. If you are not his POA or any of his kids, then the State can take over his care eventually.
Good luck.
I am assuming that you are quite a bit younger than him since you're still working full time. You deserve a better life than just working and caring for a miserable husband. His condition(s) will only continue to deteriorate. Who knows, maybe he will get nicer as things progress? It happened to a friend of mine with her mom. Always very mean until her dementia got bad enough.
Anyways, I would see an attorney ASAP and file for a legal separation and consider divorce. Do you have somewhere you can stay? If you really don't have anyone that can take you in, you may have to go into a shelter or something.
Does he have his affairs in order? Will. POA. etc.
I feel bad that you've dealt with this for so long.