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I have been a caregiver for my mom going on 8 years. My mom and I have been very close my whole life. I always promised my mom that I would never put her in a nursing home, but I can't do it anymore. My mom has so many health concerns, and every day she is getting worse and worse. My mom has Parkinson's, Dementia, Rhuematoid arthritis, Osteoarthritis, and she had a hip replacement over 10 years ago that did not work, and has daily pain in that leg. I hate to see my mom suffering, it is so hard for her to do day to day things. She also has incontenance, so if I am not around, just going to the bathroom for her is so hard. I am married with 3 grown children and I work full time day shift. I got pretty much no help from homecare or my family. Every day I see my mom declining more and more, the worst is when I am at work, I worry about her so much, always wondering if she is ok, the worst thing is her dementia is getting really bad, I am so worried about her going outside and getting lost, or her turning on the stove, or just not even knowing what she is doing.
I tried to get help from homecare, but got nowhere. I tried to get her on a list for a nursing home, and homecare came to assess her and told me for 2 years that she is lodge level, and can take care of herself. It was absolutely ridiculous how can she live in a lodge , when she can't take care of herself. They see it like she is alone all day so she is fine, but she isn't fine!! Her pills are in a blister pack, and one day, she took her lunch AND her supper pills, her dementia is getting worse, and she doesn't know if its breakfast or lunch, or what it is. I don't know if she is taking her pills or not when I am not home.


Finally after about 6 weeks of visiting her doctor, the doctor admitted my mom to the hospital and they have been assessing her there, they finally agree with me that my mom shouldn't be alone, and now she is on a list to get into a nursing home.
But why do I feel so awful, I have so many mixed feelings, first I feel so good that she is SAFE, then there are times all I do is cry!! I just want my mom back, the way she used to be, I want to just take all the pain away from her, but I can't! There are days, my mom is the way she used to be, and there are days, she isn't even my mom, this is the hardest thing I think I have ever gone through!!
This has been so hard on my marriage and my own family, in a way I am looking forward to having my life back, and trying to get my marriage back on track. I have the best husband in the world, for putting up with all of this for almost 8 years because it has been so hard!!
I know that a nursing home is the best thing for her and I really have to let go, I just hope that deep down my mom will know how much I love her and remember that I did look after her for all those years, and it is for her own safety and well being that I am doing this.
Is anybody else going through this and having these mixed feelings and feeling happy, yet guilty??
I just feel so alone and like nobody can understand what I am going through.

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In fact, getting help as early as possible is slways the best thing you can do for yourself.
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I have taken care of my mother, at home, for almost 10 years (June 17 will be the decade marker). I grew up with at least one grandparent living with us. When I can't handle something I agonize and get overwhelmed, but I also seek a solution that will kerp her at home. In CT the Area Agency on Aging is very helpful. They suggested medicaid, which I did the work of filing for because my mother was not able to do. I did decide to devote a huge amount of my life to her and I don't regret it. I am lucky. She is the sweetest person in the whole world.

Now, she is transitioning. She has at home hospice. Medicaid has made it possible for her to have a CNA during most daytime hours besides the two hours every morning that the hospice CNA is here to get her up.

My advice is that if you are caring for someone who is ready to die, you let them go off their meds, try to get them to take supplements, and most importantly, get in home help.

Keeping your loved one at home should not mean having to do everything alone and on your own. And is you are not able to keep them home, at least take the reins of whatever facility you leave them with and make sure you make noise.
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New question. My mother-in-law is living in my home. I have been caring for her for several years now in her own apartment and our home for what will be 2years. She came here from the hospital for not eating, getting drunk, falling down.
She came to AZ 8 years ago when her daughter put her in an assisted care facility she could not afford. We went across country to pick her up. Her daughter has not spoken to her sense then. She and my husband are the only living relatives. She was a very abusive mother and my husband has scars to prove it. This has not been easy as I have tried to keep them apart and help my husband deal with this. She is declining mentally and she is not caring for herself physically. She is getting meaner although her son says she has always been mean. She is arguing about wearing underwear and cleaning herself. I have found a friend to come 3 times a week to help her with this. To cook her special meals just for her. She was drinking a box of wine or more a week. Her Doctors had her on Valium and Xanax and sleeping pills. I have been able to get her off them and onto Motrin and holistic sleep aids. Lately she has gone to an elderly psychologists and he has her on lots of drugs. She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and dementia. She took 300 sleeping pills in 40 days. I spoke with her pharmacist and she was unable to keep tract of her medicine as she self paid. I have general and medical power of attorney. I am at wits end. She sneaks around and throws food away. Touches her poop and refuses to wash. I give her medicine for the day and an eight oz bottle of wine. She has gotten into the dogs pain pills and taken them. I am doing all that I can and these situations are recalling painful memories for my husband. He is suffering and I cannot continue this way. She has two dogs and spends lots of money for pain pills supposedly for them. My house is not a home and I need help. Please, donna
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Would you want you children to go through this when you're old and feeble? Would you expect them to devote their lives to your care? Most people would say no. This is not the time to be weepy and guilty. Get your mom the care she needs. You will all be much better off. I can't wait for the day I can get my parents into a care facility but it will take some god awful crisis because they will never go willingly.
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I understand your situation as my mother has ALS and I feel like you do. I have had to move home with my parents at 43 and I have injured my back 3 times with minor surgery 2x lifting my mother. she keeps placing demands on me when there is outside help available and she has to ask for it in order to receive it but she refuses. She turns away help because I know in her mind she is loosing her independence but we need help. Today we had a fight because I need her to wear a gown so I can change her more easily and don't re-injure my back. she told me she never wants to see me again and to get out, she will send me a letter when she dies. I can't take it either. that being said I worked in a nursing home and I never saw anyone tie someone up in a wheel chair I just thought it was sad and I don't and won't put her in a home.
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And yes, we all feel some guilt about placement. But at least in my case, I had the advantage, if you can call it that, of having had my mom be caregiver to HER mother for several years. My grandmother wasn't really ill, her neighborhood became unsafe and it was easier for her to move in with us. Well, she caught a cold from my little brother. It was "nothing" because my mother was not a professional. It turned into pneumonia and because of her poor circulation, being in bed for so long, she ended up with gangrene. This was not a happy ending. This would so NOT have happened in a facility. My own mom has had pneumonia several times (I'm always shocked when they tell me, I've always been there the day before and she has always seemed "fine" to me. but I'm not a nurse). And they don't let her lie in bed. She's getting professional care.
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Nikki; It's clear from your post that your Mom is no longer safe at home and probably not happy! You can't keep your mind on your job, or anything else, if your mom is being taken care of. At this point, it's sort of like you've left a 2 year old at home to fend for him/herself. Not something that anyone loving would do! But here's the thing. Somewhere in the past, when nursing homes were horrible places, and in the news about patients being tied to wheelchairs, etc, etc, your mom turned to you and said, "oh my, you'd never put me someplace like that!". No, you wouldn't. You're not going to. You're going to fight to have your mom admitted to the best care facility that is available in your area. Because now she needs nursing care for her numerous physical aliments as well as her poor judgment and memory. In all probability, her physical pain will lessen because she's getting her meds on time and if she's still in pain, the staff will be able to have the doctor or NP adjust accordingly. She won't be in danger or burning herself up with the stove, or wandering away and getting struck by a car. And believe me, the caregiving doesn't end. You will be on the phone with the facility, you will need to participate in care meetings, you will still accompany her to outside medical appointments. You will turn into her advocate, but also be able to be her loving daughter who visits and gets to have some pleasant times with your mom. You are doing the right thing, and I'm glad that her doctor agrees with you!
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