He keeps asking me to eat dinner with him. I make excuses like “I just ate” etc. but should I just be honest? I got him DoorDash set up so he can order food anytime but he doesn’t want to use it for himself. He wants to use it to order food for both of us. His apartment smells because he is incontinent and unable to take his trash out. I don’t live there and he has a housekeeper that takes his trash out once a week. The smell hits you when you walk in. I’ve done thorough cleaning and disinfecting and opened all windows but it needs this daily in order for me to want to share a meal there. I can’t take him out of his apartment because he is obese and I have a bad back so I can’t maneuver him in his extra large wheelchair.

It sounds as though you are smelling incontinence but you may also be smelling what can only be termed decomposition. When morbidly obese people are unable to bath themselves the skin folds become infested with yeasts and there is skin breakdown which are malodorous indeed.
It sounds like your Dad, due to his morbid obesity, is now in need of care. I would speak honestly with him, as he is now used to the odor if indeed he can smell it (sense of smell leaves some people in these conditions).
I would speak to APS if your Dad refuses to consider placement. I am so sorry. You shouldn't be risking your own health on attempting to do this care, which may need to be done with lifts and trained personnel.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to AlvaDeer

He needs more care than someone to take his trash out once a week.
He needs to be bathed on a routine basis. He needs to be cleaned properly after toileting and if he is not using a toilet he needs to be changed frequently.
If he is as obese as you indicate if he is not moving there is a VERY great possibility that he may have pressure sores that are infected. If not infected then at the least they are open wounds that need to be tended to.
He is not properly caring for himself.
Is anyone POA for Health?
This could be reported to APS as self neglect.
He should be seen by a doctor. If you have great concern you could call 911, ask for transport to the hospital for a well being check.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Grandma1954

JuJu, I'm so sorry about this situation. My brother was in similar decline, not obese, but unable to care for himself properly. I was heartbroken to finally get into his house (oh the smell!!), only after he was shocked back to life by the paramedics when he decided he did actually need to call for help. I'm telling you this because my brother died from his inability to do for himself and his insistence to not allow anyone to come in to help him. I believe now that his daughter was aware of the condition of his house, as she was the only person he allowed in, but she couldn't get him to agree to get help. She should have called APS, but the should haves and could haves don't mean anything after the person is gone. Living in filth this way could result in blood infections or further health issues than your dad already has. He maybe has not gotten to the point of no return as my brother had, but now is the time to act on his behalf to either get him to agree to a care facility or call APS.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter

Your father needs more housekeeping services than a person coming in once a week.
He also needs an aide coming in daily to help him with his personal hygiene.
Nobody likes to eat alone and that is understandable. If you hire a caregiver the three of you (your father, the caregiver, and yourself) can start going out of the apartment together.
Your father needs more help in his home.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver

You mention he's in a wheelchair, how is he able to dress, prepare meals, bathe and deal with his incontinence on a daily basis? I'd be brutally honest, he is clearly not able to care for himself and a once a week housekeeper is not nearly enough.
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Reply to cwillie
Agentsmith Jan 29, 2023
I am in a wheel chair, and just took a shower. Dressing is hard, but I microwave my meals and heat water for coffee. Recently incontinence is a big problem. Its humiliating and degrading, and I prefer death to this so-called living, My wife divorced me, now she wants me out. So I'm leaving. Strokes are worse than heart attacks IMO.
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Oh, my..I thought this was bad then you mentioned the nudity thing and everything went sideways for me.

A housekeeper is coming once a WEEK? You can't accomplish ANYTHING in a 2 hr cleaning once a week. I BET the place smells.

Sounds like he has developed nose-blindness. He can't smell himself or his home! And he's probably perfectly fine with it too. I'm kinda gagging right now, thinking about it.

It really is time to move him to a place where he can be washed and fed and cared for appropriately, and you know that, don't you?

No, he can't roam around an ALF naked, sorry. But he's kind of given you no choice!

Does he live in a home or an apartment? Apartments often share air, even when well built and well insulated. We used to manage apartments and I routinely had to tell the tenant upstairs from us that she HAD to wash the baby's diapers. I can't even imagine what his neighbors are thinking--has anyone reached out to you?

If he can dress when he knows you're coming over, why can't he dress daily? At least in shorts and a t shirt. Who wants to look at a naked obese, smelly man while they eat?

It does sound like he is not capable of caring for himself in any kind of manner that would be considered "healthy".

At the EOL for my FIL, he wanted to be naked all the time. I wouldn't do one thing for him if he wouldn't put on pants. He also had double incontinence and simply tossed a damp towel on any 'accidents'....took me a while to figure out that one. After he died every single thing in his condo had to be cleaned, painted over with KILZ and all flooring ripped up and re done. EVERYTHING in the place had absorbed the smells, from urine and feces to trash---his built in wooden bookshelves took 2 months to 'out-gas' the smell. A SMELL.

IDK why some people have such a hard time with basic cleanliness. Being obese makes it worse. This is a problem that bowls of vinegar set out to 'clean the air' is just not going to make it.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Midkid58
peanut56 Feb 6, 2023
We had a bookshelf that we could never get rid of the urine odor inside one of the drawers where my grandmother had put her urine-soaked slippers while she was living with my mom. We had no idea she was doing this, but my mom did. The odor had soaked into the wood. A sealer may have worked because none of the enzymes, lysol, or airing in the sun did.
You first wrote to this forum about your father last May.

Other than bring over food, what do you do for him? Do you take him to doctor appointments? Do you take him to grocery shop? Do you do his grocery shopping?

Are you enabling his "independence"?

Don't you think he needs facility care at this point?
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to CTTN55

I'm picturing sitting down to table with a naked, obese, incontinent 81 year old who happens also to be my dad. I'm not sure it would be just the smell that might put me off my food.

Um. How long has your father been living like this? Could you give us some background to his situation?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Countrymouse

Just tell him the truth. I dont think it will faze him one bit based on his living conditions.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to sp19690
cwillie Jan 29, 2023
unfortunately you are probably right about that
Place him in a safe facility.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to elmer1

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