I can't sleep tonight because exactly 1 year ago this morning my dad died Dec 11th. I feel so guilty because dad suffered so much PAIN.

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SAD. It's been a year and I feel like he just died yesterday. I wish I had of let him know how much I loved him, when we were on the way to the hospital it was our last car ride together and I was pretty much just silent, we just barely talked, I wish I was more compassionate, and I feel guilty for not talking my Dad out of having that surgery (Whipple procedure). The surgery was excruciating, Doctors told us how BAD it would be. I know my dad would have still died from cancer, and I know it would of been uncomfortable for him but ...STILL I JUST WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP the DECISION. The surgery just so painful I miss my Dad and I feel so GUILTY!

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You have the benefit of being able to look back on the situation. When we look back on anything we always see what we should have done. But we're not blessed with that kind of perspective when we're in the moment.

My dad was on hospice in a nursing home. The last time I was with him he was out of his mind. I just held him and stroked his hair until he calmed down. A couple of days later I had to work 3 12-hour shifts in a row. At the end of the second 12-hour shift it occurred to me to go visit my dad but it was 10pm, my shift started early the next morning and I decided to go the next night instead. When I got home I called the nursing home to see how my dad was. He had just died. Had I stopped off to visit with him I would have been with him when he died.

Initially I got a twinge of guilt but then I realized that I didn't know he was going to die that night. He had only been on hospice for 4 days. I thought it was too soon. I had to work the next day from 9a-9p on a grueling, physically challenging shift and I made the decision to go home and go to bed instead of stopping off at the nursing home. I wish I had. Of course I do. But I made the decision in that moment with the information I had available to me. I postponed seeing him for 24 hours and he died that night. I wish I had been there but I had to do what I thought was best in that moment.

Relieve yourself of that guilt, it's a useless and toxic emotion.
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I'm sorry for your loss. I experienced similar symptoms near the anniversary date of my dad's death and birthday. It gets a little better year after year. You are experiencing shaddow grief. If you search this term online you will find many definitions and publications.
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH ! YES dad had bile duct cancer,pretty much the same thing as pancreatic, which they thought was Localized in the duct , and that they only would have to remove the duct ,then Reroute everything ....but Cancer as BRUTAL as it is , had already spread...so doctors decided to go ahead with the WHIPPLE procedure,it is excruciating brutal surgery. There is a long incision clear down the center from the ribs down to the lower abdomen .Reason it's called Whipple is because of the man who invented the surgery, but it's like they Go into the body and whip it apart in a big circle they Remove part of the stomach,liver ,pancreas ,duodumdrem,bile duct & liver, Dad survived the surgery. 2or 3 more months in excruciating agony horrible pain ,1 thing after another bladder infection the wound became infected ,no blood thinners, so he had 2 heart attacks ,oh it was horrible.Then we found out The EVIL CANCER spread. I said STOP LEAVE HIM ALONE We are done here . I called VITAS HOSPICE within 1day he was home at my house and lived another 3 weeks .
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Thank you all for being so kind !YES! my dad was tough! and a fighter! your right he would have to go out with his boots on!
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Lorraine2 you did the best you could at the time with the information you had. You were WITH your dad, which showed your love, whether you said anything or not. Actions speak louder than words.

It sounds like your dad had pancreatic cancer (?) and that is a brutal killer, whatever steps are taken to help.

You don't control the universe and you didn't control your dad. You're giving yourself credit for far more power than you had. You were a loving daughter who did the very best you could for your dad at the time. I'm sure your dad knew that and felt your love.

Please honor his memory by feeling good about him and not bad about yourself. That doesn't serve his memory or your love for him. {{{Hugs}}}
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Lorraine,
(((Hugs)))
I think the first year is the worst.

My Dad also suffered the last week of his life.

I was pretty much paralyzed the last week. The decisions I made on his behalf and dealing with Drs and the Hospital pretty much consumed me. But, I was there doing the best I could for him under the circumstances. He knew I loved him. I know he appreciated everything I did. The words were never spoken between us.

If I had known then what I know now I would have done things different. But I just went with the info I had. That’s all we can do.

The anniversary date and birthdays should get easier. I hope your heart and head allow you to move on.

Try to stay busy and try not to be alone.
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Lorraine..Lizzywho61 is so right the 1st year is the worst everything is so fresh my dad suffered a lot in the last 5 days at the hospital I know exactly how your are feeling those last few days are painful memories. I never thought I would say this but as time goes on it does get easier they will always be in our hearts but you start to remember them by the good memories you had together & these memories keep you going. You were with your dad that is the most important thing at a time when he needed you the most. It has been 12 years for my dad now but I do have to share what got me through the tough times at the beginning when I would get upset I would ask myself would dad want to see me upset & feeling down like this knowing the answer is no that would help me to get up & move on. It sounds like your dad suffered a lot of pain you made the right choice by telling them to stop & leave him alone it would have been more painful for you to watch him suffer anymore he had been through enough already he is resting in peace. Cherish the memories you had with him close to your heart I am sure he is watching over you as your guardian angel.
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Lorraine have you ever thought... he decided to face death as a fighter :) With honor, and courage, pain or not pain. I believe this type of courage really helps them where they are now. He's with my dad, I think. He was a fighter too :)

close to you
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Just hugs, Lorraine. I don't have anything helpful to say, I'm afraid. Just hugs.
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Don’t feel guilty, Lorraine. All we can do is our best and you did that. It’s very hard rethinking events & to second guess ourselves. His suffering is over now & there wasn’t anything you could have done differently.
You were a great daughter supporting his decisions that he made and he knew you loved him until the end.
That’s what’s most important.
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