I can't seem to help myself. I feel alone and lost. What should I do?

Have you considered Assisted Living, an apartment for both of you? Talk to your MD and see what he recommends. You would have more people around you to socialize with, and plenty of help.

I'm sorry you're friend is moving away..You can contact your local Elder Care Services, local Senior Ctr. They have day programs you can go to also support groups for caregivers..

lonliness? wth is that? ive been alone for 15 years, wanted in two states and NOT wanted in the other 48..

I was told by my lawyer to never give up the house! It is the only thing they can't take away if you have to file for Medicaid, which I will have to do eventually. I will try to keep him at home as long as I can. I promised him I would not put him in a home until he doesn't remember who I am!!! I just wish my dad were here for me to get good advice from. I need someone who can't advise me what is right for taking care of the house and what is really stupid. I have already made some stupid decisions that I have regretted afterwards. I just don't know about the things that need taking care of in a house. Recently had a flooded crawlspace because I didn't know that I had a sump pump, much less to check and see if it was still working. Which it wasn't. Now I have to make a decision about repairing the crawlspace. It is a huge decision and costs a lot of money. I chose a company but have no idea if I did the right thing.

wamna, you call the insurance agent who handles your homeowners' insurance. He / she will be a huge help to you.

wamna, find an honest masonry mason. they work so hard its clear theyre not into it for the money. more a mixture of art and ego..
id personally rub your feet , beat your m**t, clean your fingernails, light your smokes, laugh at jokes, lay you down some rails..
i get lost on david allen coe lyrics sometimes.

I actually have the insurance adjustor in the crawlspace right now! He is going to pay some of the costs. The team from Guardian is here too starting work today! I hope I chose the right company! Captain, you are a trip!

wamnanealz, something that has been really helpful to me is Angie's List. It cost $35 a year to join if I remember right. I get on Angie's List anytime I need some work done around the house. It helps me choose the best and avoid the ones that we can't afford. We had a couple of fiascos around here when my mother was in charge of making decisions. She doesn't trust my judgment, but she trusts Angie's List. It's funny, because she thinks Angie is a woman that I call up with my computer who tells me great wisdom about household repairs. :)

Water damage is a particularly sore spot when it comes to huge expenses. It will be worth your money to get on Angie's List and pick out the best company. My fingers are crossed that you had flood insurance. The costs are huge.

You are in a position that many women find themselves in. Men traditionally take care of maintenance tasks, leaving the rest of the family without a clue. Just think of it as a new adventure of learning things. You're going to make some mistakes, because you're human. I just hope none of the mistakes are too costly... or they are covered by insurance.

As for the loneliness -- I think we're mostly all lonely. There is nothing like a sickness in the family to make everyone stay away. My mother had two friends and a family of 6 plus inlaws. Now I'm the only person she has. Everyone else is too busy, too far away, or just absent. If I want company I have to go out to find it or call them on the phone. I also come here and it makes me feel not so alone. I'm grateful for AgingCare.

Hi there,

I am so sorry to here how alone you feel. I can relate somewhat because I am a single girl who has been taking care of a disabled mother all alone for the last 4 years. I purchased a house so she could stay with me, having no idea how expensive, time consuming and overwhelming it could be. My health started to deteriorate to the point where i have been unable to work for 6 months (and I'm only 35 years old). With all the pressure and months of counseling, I decided (very reluctantly) to let go. I am not sure how old you are or your whole situation, but for me, it made the most sense to move my mom into independent living. (she's moving in two weeks). The idea the meals made and not worrying about any maintenance has lifted an elephant lift off my chest. If you are able to afford independent living, it's worth it for peace of mind. Also, you will have a lot of companionship. All pluses to me. I hope this helps :)

I hope you have tapped into your Aging and Adult Services. There are day care subsidies, Meals on Wheels, and sometimes you are eligible for a caregiver to visit and help several days a week. If income for you is an issue, these services are often free or very cheap as they are on a sliding scale. It would also give you an opportunity to go to the local Senior Center alone and find some companionship and probably others who share your burdens and concerns. There are lots of helping agencies who will allow you to take a break and you should use that to find social groups and get some exercise if you can.
Laughing also helps. Watch funny movies. As an aside, I write a comedy blog for caregivers called "you just have to laugh...." website: cathysikorski
You are welcome to read for a chuckle! Best regards.

if I remember you and your husband live on Waldorf, Md, I'm way up north, if I was closer to you I would be your leaning post. I know a few people in that area that are connected with Charlotte Hall and the Veterans of a Foreign Wars in Waldorf, they are great for helping out to those who need services like you do. Also I believe Medicare or VA will send someone out to see if your home is ready and safe for your husband, VA will actually install ramps and supply inside items for bath, etc. You just need to make some phone calls. I have one great friend ( out if. few) if she moved I think I would go into depression so I know how you feel. please hang in there,

It may help to join a support group of kindred souls and share you situation with a clergy person. I appreciate the costliness of getting help from salaried people.
Often, a clergyperson can intercede in getting persons to help you as unpaid volunteers. Good Luck! Gene

HI Waman,
I'm sorry that your friend is moving so far away. That seems to be the last straw for you since you could confide in her.

Many communities have a senior commission though it may have a different name. They provide ways for seniors to make friends and have outings. Often you can get some good advice there, as well. As mentioned, your Agency on Aging may be able to help.

I know you told your husband you would never put him in a nursing home, but the time may come when you must. If that happens, don't feel guilty. You have already honored the spirit of your promise by providing care this long.

For house problems, Angie's list does sound like a good idea. I haven't used it but I've heard good things about it.

For legal advice, you can see if your State's Attorney's office has some pro bono help (free).

For company, other than church and your senior commission, the Well Spouse Organization helps many with online friendship. The WSA can be found at wellspouse.org.

I hope that you will keep checking back at Agingcare for friendship and tips, as well. Let us know how you are doing.
Carol

Do you have any activities that you enjoy such as reading a good book, taking in a movie or try joining groupon. It's great because it gives you ideas on the cheap that I'd never dream of doing but why not? I understand your hub was the decision maker but it is never too late to grab ahold the reins. If you are computer savvy try youtube.com or wikihowto's and basically you'd be surprised at how you can watch how to do certain things. I don't know if affordable for you but I am a realtor. Please consider having a pvt home inspector come through that is affordable. I would try Yelp as well for suggestions. See all that is wrong. In the interim you are learning the machinations of running a home and finding out what needs to be fixed and they can give you estimates (they sometimes are much higher than someone looking for work will pay to fix). This way you will know how a sump pump operates and how much a back up can cost you. If your electrical box needs upgrading, if roof needs some repairs. You will feel empowered. I sell 90% of homes to women and first time home buyers it's a well learned lesson to know how your home works. Your chances of being ripped off will be nil and you can always call the inspector and look at the report for reference. These online support groups are great. Is your hub a veteran? Also measure your repairs against if any equity is there that you could use for your hub's care and perhaps a facility down the road for you both. Very nice ones out there that allow care for him and socializing for you. Areas of agency can give you ideas and also try and speak with a social worker they are so helpful! It is hard to see your loved one morph in front of your eyes and you grieve for the person they were. I have learned to grieve that person but accept this new person and lean to speak their language and just let go and realize this is a chapter of the book that you will have to read and how you want it to end you can have a say so on that. I have to work on myself before I can work to help others. Do this for yourself. If a depression try to seek therapy if need be. Godspeed and I wish you and hub well!!

Thank you for suggestions. I appreciate them very much. We are on our way to see the doctor now and I will take Bill along. Having him along is handy right now. He is bad enough that he needs someone to supervise him and good enough to say, "I don't need anyone to stay with me." But he does. I can't trust him alone anymore. He will wait while I see the doctor.

I left out if a veteran, seek their help they have a lot to offer.

You NEED to let your daughters know what is going on and go from there.

I am glad that u have a church group to talk with. i am also feeling alone and the person that i live with just had a stroke and cannot talk..can recognize things..but hard to say what he is actually recognizing.has started phys therapy &did follow i few commands..tho is a 100 miles away from where resides..as this hospital doesnt do neurological therapy. what am i to do? i understand how u feel lost and alone and cant afford to drive there with no reliable vehicle..tho his family members do keep me updated.the only comfort i have is that..as he cannot speak.i stay in his house&habve..i just do feel alone.i try to maintain regular routine..but i made him lunches etc..and he's not here to do that for...

Ask someone in your church group for help. People are very giving and may be able to assist you. Call your pastor and speak to him. Other local parishes may have groups which assist in this area. My parish has a meeting for those who have lost a loved one. Your husband is still with you, but you seem to have many of the same concerns. Also, contact your senior services for the area. There is a lot of red tape, but they can also assist you. Mainly, ask for help. There are people who want to help you. And call your daughters. I hope the best for you.

You all are so helpful. Really just talking and telling it feels so good that I can talk and someone is listening. He is a Vet and I am totally familiar with the vet's home at Charlotte Hall. I was also caring for Bill's brother and he was in Charlotte Hall for the past year of 2013. He passed in Dec and it feels easier not to have to run up there so often. But at the same time, I miss him. He was the one I could talk to! But I am glad he is in a better place. He has a horrible last 6 months and I am grateful for Hospice in the end for him. We are about an hour south of Waldorf. I am trying to establish a routine. Work on my basement has begun and yesterday I had a handyman service come in and they are going to give me and estimate on work that needs to be done! Everything in time, I guess. I have been prying a lot and I did hear the words"Trust me" this week. I feel that was from God. My faith is strong and we do get out and go to church every week. When he can no longer go I will have to get someone to stay with him while I go. I really need to have that feeling of being fed and getting my weekly reinforcement from church!

I disagree that you should move into Assisted Living with your mother. You need to be by yourself and find a life at your age. You will get to the point of needing others too soon in life anyway. You do not need the rest of them glomming on to you as the younger, abler one. You are trying to get away from that--remember!!??

I'm guessing you may be in Maryland since you said your friend is moving from there. I just spoke to someone at the state's department on aging at (410) 767-1100. She said if you call her with the name of your county/city, she can get you phone numbers and information of people who may be able to help.

I felt the same way then I was diagnosed with cancer. I shifted my focus to taking care of me. After a while I noticed my loneliness had lifted. Make sure you take time for yourself, be good to you. Make a list of what you love and enjoy and then spoil yourself. Definitely get out to connect more - is there anyone who can give you respite even for a few hours a week? I have a group I go to once every two weeks on Saturday morning from 7-9am. It is not as frequent as I would like to get out of the house but it is something - and know that you can make more new friends and at the same time keep in touch regularly with your friend who is moving. Hugs.

I hear that the Stephen Ministry visitors program can be very helpful in providing dependable, spirit-led comfort and company in times of difficulty. Many churches offer this service.

JessieBelle that is too funny about your mom & Angie's List... that made me lol :)

wamnanealz I feel you about the household maintenance! I've owned a home for 5 years and I'm still learning. Use the internet to research the problems you're having, and to get an idea of what repairs should cost. Get at least 2-3 estimates for everything if possible, because it varies so widely! Some people may tell you that you have to pay good $$ for quality. I have always looked for and found the rock-bottom price and have yet to regret it.

The lonely, sad, lost feelings are so familiar, too. I also have no friends or family who are helpful, but have attended a support group for families of the elderly with alzheimers/dementia. I found it helpful. Most days I just keep going and try not to let my thoughts stray into how uncared for I feel or I will REALLY start to feel sorry for myself. Talking with a therapist helps, too. Each year, I have 5 free sessions provided by work benefits. If you don't have any coverage for therapy, there may be something free or low cost provided by local community services or universities. I once had free therapy sessions with a PhD student at a local university. It benefits them as they pursue their degrees, so it's a win-win.

I am sorry you are in this position. A lot is on your shoulders, and decision making can be sooo difficult. I am glad you have a church group. But your greatest resource for strength is prayer. read scriptures, pray about all of your decisions. you will get strength. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". God is preparing you for greater things. so be patient. someone will come in to your life that will make a difference. Ask the Lord daily for strength and wisdom to make the right choices. and take your time. God bless you

Captain thats nice to be wanted!! So youre wanted by a few women in 2 states??

wam I am figuring California, Hollywood or Leonardtown, MD, if you are in that area I do know people there, we lived in California, Md my husband retired from Pax River, let me know if I can help in any way. Your Bill sounds like my Norman, I take him with me also, but he says I can stay here with the dogs, I tried it, within minutes he could not remember where I was, stood at the door waiting ( thank goodness he didn't open it) til I came back ( 20 min to 7-11 for milk) and forget about the big note I left for him, he never went back to look at it. I think I told you about my friends husband who is in Charlotte Hall, they have a home in Califirnia, Md, he is at the end of his Medicare Rehab there and the paperwork they filled out will take 90% of his pension, so they decided to buy a home ( one level) in FL near their daughter rather then pay the state all they worked for. Much less financially to get help in the home, but my husband is not at that point. I have written off his daughter, 25 minutes from here, have not heard a word from her in 6 months, except a birthday card in the mail to her father. I have an upper/ lower GI appt this month, I scheduled at Johns Hopkins when my friend could be the driver, but Norman will be there too, don't have any other choice, and day care is NOT an option for my husband who thinks there is nothing wrong with him, he would hate it.

I don't want to sound preachy, but I find comfort in the everlasting love of God. I lean on Him when I am alone. It brings peace to my soul.

Hello Wamnanealz, I know exactly how you feel, I have been there, when you feel that every avenue is closed to you. Well fear not, I know you said you have a church group, you would be suprised how many people in that group are going through the same thing but have not told anyone. Try talking to other people, asking if anyone feels this way. Also try to get involved in another activity such as bingo or bowling, painting or potery, this things will help to calm you and give you some sence of peace. Also it will give you a chance to meet new people. You need to get out more, and socialize so you dont feel illosilated. Also reach out to your daughters, tell them what is going on with you. They can't help if they don't know. This will be the perfect chance for you to build a better relationship with them. I will be praying for you.