I've been living with my boyfriend for four months. We have been in a relationship for about three years. Living together was good, although there have also been challenges that we have had to face, and we still do. We have had to learn to balance our times, spaces and create new routines.
We were learning to be a couple, when a month ago my boyfriend told me that his grandmother, who raised him as his mother, would come to visit him. The visit that was supposed to last a week turned into a month, and until now she continues to live with us.
I want her out of the house, but that desire makes me feel bad because I think maybe I shouldn't react that way. Am I acting correctly? Should I feel this way? Am I being selfish?
At the beginning she cried so that my boyfriend would let her stay a while longer, but today, my boyfriend told me that he wants his grandmother to stay with us until the end of the pandemic, that she will be safer here? And of course, no one knows when all this will end.
The situation has turned into a nightmare for me, and I feel guilty for feeling more and more rejection by my boyfriend's grandmother, but it is inevitable.
The reasons are:
- No space, no intimacy. The apartment is small. Since the arrival of my boyfriend's grandmother, I had to get all my things out of that room and now I don't have a comfortable place to work, or be alone, practice my hobbies, and my things are all over the place. As we have just started, the apartment is not fully furnished, so I do not have the possibility to go to other rooms.
-My boyfriend's grandmother needs 24/7 care because she can't walk much. We have to prepare and serve her all her food, make sure she is cleaned when she goes to the bathroom, check that she takes her medications at the right time, wash her clothes, make her bed, clean her room. A lot of these things aren't easy for both of us, especially at a time when we're trying to build something.
I love my boyfriend and have tried to help him, but sometimes that is beyond me. I have ended up cleaning toilet papers with feces that my boyfriend's grandmother throws on the floor, smelling her gases while we eat, seeing her vomit her food while we have lunch or eating with her hands, I feel very guilty about the disgust it produces, but I hate this .
- Besides, she is very demanding. My boyfriend has to cook two different dishes of food, and throughout the day she asks to be served food, hot drinks. Even when I'm working from home she asks me to make juices, sandwiches. Of course, she asks for everything in a bad way. And the worst thing is that when my boyfriend goes to work (he doesn't always work outside the home) I have to take care of all this alone.
- The house does not have the conditions to provide the comforts to an elderly person. The type of shower we have does not allow her to bathe in them, so my boyfriend has to bathe her as he can, on the bathroom floor. It is somewhat uncomfortable and that prevents her from wanting to do it often, so she has gone up to 15 days without bathing.
- Not least, WE CANNOT, take care of an old woman. Our lifestyle does not allow it, our schedules, food, disorder (we were creating routines) are very different from those of an already established home.
I feel cornered, I can't take it anymore, and it breaks my heart, I don't know if I'm wrong, but it bothers me that my boyfriend has such a low priority on a project that at least I saw as one of the most important of my life.
I must clarify that my boyfriend's grandmother has a house with all the comforts she needs.
hug!! be careful, he might be using you.
it’s convenient for him, that you help with caregiving.
and yes...
why hasn’t he married you?
be careful.
he might use you.
later, you two might break up. then you’ll feel even more used, because the relationship ended, and you helped with caregiving.
it’s very nice he wants to help his grandmother. however, it would be even nicer if - he - wants to help, and doesn’t in any way make you help. then - he’s - truly offering to help his grandmother. he, himself.
I would not tolerate her disgusting behavior for one moment though. Have a serious talk with your boyfriend about finding her some caregiving services and sending her home. Then tell her when she's leaving.
In the meantime, every time she throws soiled toilet paper on the floor, refuses to wash, or farts at the table call her out on it. Make it very clear that you will not tolerate such disgusting behavior in your home. If it continues then collect the soiled toilet paper and put it in her bed. That should send the right message. Tell her off when she starts getting demanding. Make her fully understand that she is not welcome to live in your apartment.
Your boyfriend will probably have to get the ultimatum that either grandma goes or you do. From what you say about how he cares for her, it will probably be you who goes. Better to realize he doesn't really care for you sooner than later. Good luck.
I don't think you are 'wrong' or 'selfish' at all. Feelings are all valid and we're entitled to have them. You need to have a serious heart to heart talk with your bf and let him know that you feel at the end of your rope here & that your relationship is in jeopardy. Grandma has a perfectly good home to move back into and help to hire if she needs it. Your b/f bathing her on the bathroom floor is not only dangerous, it's going above & beyond the call of duty here, in my opinion.
Wishing you the best of luck getting your b/f to see where YOU are coming from and getting him to put YOU on the top of his priority list.
"I feel cornered, I can't take it anymore, and it breaks my heart, I don't know if I'm wrong, but it bothers me that my boyfriend has such a low priority on a project that at least I saw as one of the most important of my life."
A relationship should be viewed as a partnership not a project. Take grandma out of the picture and it seems you still are not ready.
I understand how she feels, but the pouty "I don't have anywhere to do my hobbies" line is what got me.
Life rarely goes exactly as planned, but playing house with one's boyfriend isn't the same as being in an adult relationship. Real-life situations like this often crop up, and if you aren't prepared to tackle them as an adult, it's best to move on where the only person you're responsible for is yourself.
You've been together for 3 years, just recently moved in together... does he ever mention marriage at all? If he loves you so much, why wouldn't he want to marry you? Why does he let grandma talk to you harshly and boss you around? Why is he okay with letting grandma ruin your lives and your home?
Don't feel guilty about being disgusted with her! I was grossed out just reading that! It sounds like her mind is functioning okay. She doesn't care if she leaves turds on the floor, because she knows you'll clean it up. Grandma should be HIS problem, not yours. You owe her nothing and do not owe it to your BF to deal with her.
I think deep down you know the reality here. He values grandma more than you. It's come down to "she goes, or I go". And stick to it, no matter how much he pleads or complains or makes you into the bad one. If he proposes marriage to keep you there, refuse to accept until grandma is out. If he is so devoted to her, he needs to move in with grandma at her place.
I'm sorry you're in that situation. If you look back on your 3 years together, I'm willing to bet money that this is not the first time he's disrespected you or made you feel less than. Point blank, if he truly loved you and put you first, he'd never let grandma treat you like this and act how she does.
IT WON'T WORK.
Now, it comes down to what is RIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE. I will tell you (now at 78) what would NOT be OK for my life would be to go from girlfriend, possible future wife and Mom to Caregiver for an Elder in one easy step. Boom. Done. That's where you are. Now, if is up to you if you choose to stay.
Be clear about this. Your boyfriend has ALREADY MADE HIS CHOICE. Now, it is time for you to make yours. Be clear. If you choose this boyfriend he is a package deal. And if this isn't the package you want for your life, use GOOD BIRTH CONTROL,because this will NOT last, and the last thing you need to hinder your own making/remaking of your own life, is a child as the frosting for this particular cake.
Be clear. This is your choice. You will not change this boyfriend and he will resent you forever if you force his grandmother out of the home. This is your choice for your own life and it is all yours.
I have had in my 78 years four major relationships/partnerships/marriages. I will tell you this now. I KNEW GOING IN WHAT WOULD END THE RELATIONSHIP. I rationalized and I ignored and I believed I could "change things". I KNEW at the beginning the reasons the relationships would end. I just didn't listen to what I already knew.
I wish you the very best.
Again, your boyfriend has already made his choice. Now, you make yours.