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My mother had a stroke 3 years ago and she insists on living at home. She was given therapy and was doing great until she got home and now she expects me to do everything. I have a family and household to care for too. She can walk and do much more than she lets on. She is demanding and wants control over my life. My husband and kids who are over 18 have been fantastic in understanding my situation. Now my mother is telling everyone I am taking her money and that is a lie. I am out money because I can't work since I care for her and I pay for the gas for going over and back a few times daily. My married daughter has helped me when I have gotten sick and can't make it to my mothers but she is so fed up with the way my mother talks about me and won't go over unless I need her to. I can't take it anymore and it's not her health doing this it is that she is only nice to men for the past 10 years. I get blamed for everything and when it is proved it is a guy who has taken something or stolen from her it is suddenly no problem and she smiles atg them like they are wonderful while still blaming me for being upset about it. I am an only child and have nobody else to help. When someone says how lucky she is to have my help and dedication she becomes meaner. I have set it up for her to have help come in and she will have a share a cost but I am so done.

Thanks for the understanding to all of you. I have been trying to get home care for her but since it's house tax time she is shorter on cash so I have given her until January to let me know which one of the many ladies I have contacted and interviewed she would like to care for her. I will still come a few times a week for a visit and do what needs done and to check how the caregiver is doing. I just can't wait to get my life back. I have been undergoing tests for heart issues that might or might not be caused by anxiety so I am hoping this gets better too. Thanks again to all of you.
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Reply to Iamsodone
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bettina Dec 7, 2018
Have been going through a battery of tests myself, some for fairly serious issues. I suspect all of it has been caused from years of stress due to care taking a narcissistic controlling parent and dealing with frequent health crisis. Stress can take a huge toll on the body.

Demanding controlling people are insanely stressful to deal with because not
only do you have the stress from whatever situation you have to attend to--
you are also in constant battle with the controlling person. Some will stop at
nothing but complete control over you. They want you to become a servant and cater to their every need, but also maintain enough equilibrium to be able to rescue them and take charge in any health crisis.

In other words a complete fantasy for them. Total stress for you.
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Good for you, you are not a bad person for saying enough.

You should not be paying any of her bills or a share of her care. She is responsible for her own finances and you are not obligated to pay for her.

Sometimes, people need to crash and burn before they will face their reality. Abusing you is not acceptable and I am cheering you on to take back your life and stop being her scratching post.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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bettina Dec 7, 2018
Stop being her scratching post. Good one!
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It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person who can't do it anymore. And it sounds like you are a person who shouldn't have been doing it for about 2+ years. Forgive yourself for that mistake you made in good faith, and move on.

A big personality change, and paranoia (like thinking people are stealing from her) CAN be indicators of dementia. People who have strokes often (NOT always) develop vascular dementia.

Do you know her PCP? Is she checked regularly since her stroke? I think I would write a brief note to that doctor (snail mail is OK -- this is not urgent) listing the changes in your mother's behavior since the stroke. Just say you think they should know this and that Mom is not apt to tell them. They will not break confidence by discussing your mother with you, but they can certainly get information from you. If she isn't seeing someone regularly I don't think there is much you can do in this area. If she does have dementia it will become increasingly obvious and she probably won't be able to continue living independently. Until then, back away.

Go back to work if you want to. At the very least take that gas money you are saving and hold a small celebration with the family that has been so understanding and supportive.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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Iamsodone - more (((((hugs)))) Others here understand. You will never please her and never do enough for her. She is a bottomless pit of need. Glad to hear you are going to stand up for yourself. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. You deserve a life. Keep in touch. There is support here.
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Reply to golden23
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No, absolutely not! It does not make you a bad person. You are overwhelmed and underappreciated and being verbally abused.

The paranoia sounds like it could be the beginning of dementia, Has she been checked for that? In any case you need to draw firm boundaries about what you can and cannot or are not willing to do.

I am glad you have set up care for her. Ideally she should bear all the cost of that. If you want to work, get a job and let the hired care do what is needed.

I have great sympathy for you as I have a narcissistic mother who would have controlled my life if I had let her. I have agreed to be POA health and financial but have had to be careful to address her needs, but not her whims or unreasonable demands. Going over there several times a day is an unreasonable thing to expect of you. She wants to be the center of your universe and you have to protect yourself.

What are you going over for, If it is grocery shopping for example, set one day a week when you will shop for her. If it is help with housework, set a day and time to do it. Better still since you have hired help let them do it all. Decide if you want to spend any time with her -decide for yourself what works for you, You are not her servant to do exactly what she wants of you, Yes, she will bad mouth you when you don't do what she wants. She wants the drama. I have had plenty of that. You have to develop a thick skin. Those that are close know you and her.

Please look after yourself. ((((((hugs)))))
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Iamsodone Oct 21, 2018
Thank you so much for replying I sat here and cried reading this I feel so alone sometimes it's nice to know somebody else knows what I'm going through. I am going to stand up for myself and start living again thank you
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You've made arrangements for her to be supported, yes? She's not going to starve or fall or anything dreadful like that? Her life support systems are basically under control, and there's no money problems?

Then stop going. Why would you trudge back and forth to your mother's house just so she can insult you more easily and to your face?

Just one thing, though. If your mother's behaviour and attitudes underwent a noticeable change (you noticed it, for a start) ten years ago, that could be an indication of whatever underlying disease then led to her stroke. Was she, is she now being treated for any medical conditions?
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