She is in what we believe to be Stage 5 dementia (she refuses to see a neurolgist) which has increased confusion and rage episodes. I am her only child. I have had to go grey rock with her in past and ours is a superficial relationship because she has no empathy or interest in me passed what I can do for her. I do not wish her ill but am not willing to jeopardize my mental health. Given her rages and accusations I would also fear being accused of abuse. She can call us three days in a row without remembering especially if she is nursing a grievance against someone. We have no POA or sharing of info with her doctor. I live 25,000 miles away but people in her small community are not happy with her driving or rages.

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My mother is a psychopath - I was one of her frequent targets, and she committed many crimes against me (and others), primarily of a financial nature. Never accepted responsibility and never apologized. She stole my identity when I was 17, and 40 years later I am still dealing with the financial fallout. Not to mention the verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

She is now 81, lives in a house she does not own and refuses to move. May be in the process of eviction. She has dementia and it has come to my attention she has bugs in her hair, ripped clothes, and throws trash in the yard. She removes piles of dog poop from the home with her bare hands. I have tried to get her into a clean apt. or other rental home, to no avail. No one has POA or guardianship concerning her, so we have all backed off (brother, nephew, cousin and myself).

The legal system and social services will takeover from here on out. The woman is an evil, evil being, and sometimes it seems as if she is not alive in the house, but some kind of demonic presence. There are stinging black flies swarming the porch areas to the home, the house is in a state of collapse, and the stench is unbearable.

My advice to you is run from the situation and DO NOT LOOK BACK.
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Reply to EstherJane1
sp19690 Jun 29, 2021
Jesus this nut case has animals. At least call someone to get the dog removed from her house. She sounds lin a one of the soulless ghouls that walk this earth.
Thank you for your answers. Logic and humor.

After my last call with Mom, she couldn't remember things discussed during the call and I realized that it was the definition of insanity to try to convince someone who is forgetful that they are forgetful.

My children have always known her as a fun adventurer. My daughter has been trying to help with choices as I am conflicted. She has been more on the side of encouraging Mom to move. She was in favor of DMV before me. I feared it might set Mom off or aggravate her mental state.

My daughter wants to go down with her brother and believes they could have better luck if I was not present. My daughter is much more up front about her opinions but I get most of the texts and calls.

Mom has implied that asking DMV actions are illegal. We were advised that DMV, APS, and writing a letter to her doctor (knowing that HIPPA prevents an answer) were acceptable answers. We have not sent it because recently she stated she gave permission for my daughter to share information. We told people they need to call themselves DMV/APS. I have kept notes in timeline form and we are keeping texts for the month of June (originally to figure out what she was doing).

The latest text today implied we where doing something illegal. There have been statements about suing 2 other people.

Mentally, I know my daughter is probably right that I will be an irritant. I have reviewed what sort of documents and records we would need to assist and not have a break in services IF she were to come.

At this point, I am standing back. The more encouragement or questions I ask the worse it gets. To the point of being surreal. We have gone from: "I need help" to "everything is fine" to "these things never happened" to "back off".

Due diligence has been done. And it seems like the attention has served as fuel.
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Reply to lilyphoenix13

I would also agree to call APS. I would tell them that your therapist recommended, for your sanity, that you back off from her. You are sure there is Dementia there and neighbors are complaining about her driving and rages. That you have no POA or guardianship and you do not want them.

The State can take over her care. She will be placed quicker than you can do. Her needs will be met.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Everyone here pretty much said it. There's not a lot you can do about your mom other than calling APS and the local police where she lives and explain what's going on about her having dementia and you living so far away. She will likely become a ward of whatever state she lives in. A court-appointed conservator/guardian will be making her decisions. The first one will be she will have to get a dementia evaluation whether she agrees to it or not. Most certainly she will not be driving anymore. They will put her in a care facility for her safety as well as everyone else's.
There's nothing else you can do. You've been the lightening rod who took her anger, rage, and frustration. No more. You paid the price for her many years of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. You took the abuse too. Now you're done. You don't owe her anything.
You know I tell parents all the time to be careful about how they treat their kids. They might need them someday.
Good luck to you and God bless.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver

There is no logic to this so just stop looking. Continue gray rocking it, set limits and just reply with a "uhhhh huhhhh" " how terrible". If her neighbors have a problem with her driving they can report this anonymously to the local police departments.
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Reply to Jhalldenton

You don't have to do anything. She is not your responsibility. If her neighbors don't like her driving, they can figure out a solution themselves. You certainly can't control what she does.
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Reply to faranlee

I am a Get Smart fan.. so in my best Max voice..
"25,000 miles away - and... loving it!"

On your profile, you quoted some advice 'to take care of myself or lose myself'. I really like that. I have been told similar. That those with NPD, BPD, SZ or other serious mental illness are not great at boundaries, understanding their own or others 'edges'. 'Losing yourself' in their company makes real sense to me.

Please protect yourself & your children.

*It is what it is* is a statement I like.

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Reply to Beatty

Judging by your profile things seem pretty much hopeless. I am not trying to be overly harsh. I don’t know how else to put it because you state that your mom is mentally ill. Her therapist has suggested that you to live your own life. Your mom’s mental illness will not improve or go away. Is she continuing to see a therapist?

You don’t live near her and I would consider that a blessing! I would be concerned about her driving as well but how can you possibly stop her? How can you make her do anything at this point? She won’t go see a neurologist. Her brain is broken on so many levels, dementia and mental illness. She’s a walking time bomb waiting to explode. Do you want to be near her when she does explode? I doubt that you do. As Zippy said, “Call APS” if that would ease your mind. Do you feel that you are responsible for her well being?

You have a kind heart but your compassion will get you nowhere. I am sure that you are aware of this but obviously this is eating at you. Why don’t you consider therapy for yourself at this point to help you cope with the emotional struggle that you are experiencing.

You have come to the right place. This forum has people that have been in your shoes or going through a similar situation.

How often do you speak to her? I am a bit confused about your profile in regards to your children. Please do not expect them to get tangled up in this. That isn’t fair to them.

In your heart of hearts what do you desire in life? Don’t allow her to rob you of your joy. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Including your mom in your life will bring nothing but heartache and frustration.

Stick around to get advice from others who have experience in this area. My caregiver days are over. My mom recently died in a hospice house with end stage Parkinson’s disease. She willingly stopped driving. Her dementia was mild and she did not have borderline personality disorder like your mom, so I have not been in your shoes. Others on the forum will help you sort this out and hopefully you can start to place things in a proper perspective.

I feel that you need to heel your emotional wounds from dealing with this situation. I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
lilyphoenix13 Jun 29, 2021
I need to go back into my profile and check. The only therapist I ever know she saw was once. It was an arranged mediation in which my mom talked about herself and why I had no right to set boundaries until the therapist pointed out that the purpose of the visit was to work out our relationship. She asked if my mom wanted a relationship with me. Mom responded I don't know. Then proceeded to say why it wasn't worth it. After the session my mom had left and I was paying. The therapist came out and strongly encouraged me to keep going regardless of who provided therapy. To this day I know her advice was correct. I am severe codependent and have had therapy on and off. I have gotten a bit better but still need to work on trauma and who I let in.

I doubt my mom has a actual diagnosis because "there is nothing wrong". However the last counselor I saw introduced me to narcisstic behaviors and helped me to take responsibility for the things I allowed.

I have been a caregiver for years on and off. I was programmed to always put me aside.

There have been many hard lessons since then. My children are adults. I wrestle with the overly codependent aspect of me, that we need to honor our elders, that she has probably been and all the compassion I feel for the aging process.

I started mindfulness a while back and was introduced to the concept that I also deserve compassion.

My daughter used to ask if I could live with my mom but the last month has brought new insight. She actually said mom and I have a toxic relationship.

My dreams: an apartment or tiny home were I can have peace. Watching my grandbabies grow and contributing to their lives in a positive way. Paying my own way. Health insurance. Growing food. A bit of art or writing. Making a few friends since I moved. Peace. Feeling my heart light up when nature is alive and green or a child makes you laugh or I see kindness or someone has good fortune. Some balanced volunteering. A job that doesn't eat me up. To breathe.

To be able to shrug off her texts when she starts or grey rock them without letting them trigger anxiety.

I have started hanging up when things get crazy. Again shifting to not answering and listening to voice-mail before returning call or may just texting a boring reply. Lol the last time I did she sent texts for three straight hours to my daughter directed at me. What she didn't remember was my daughter had worked with me on these actions.

What I really want is to be able to love and give without setting myself on fire to keep someone warm.

I think participating at sites like these is healing all the way around. It helps to know you are not alone. To remember to say to yourself what you said to someone else.

Thank you for your remarks and reminders. The last 2 weeks I started to get lost. My daughter reminded me about the ants and the grasshopper.

Wishing you Love, Laughter and Life
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Stop taking her abuse. Don't answer her calls all the time, and if you must answer, hang up the second she starts to get verbally abuse. You're lucky to live so far away, take advantage of it. If you're really worried about her, call APS. Even if they do nothing you've done your diligence and voiced your concern.
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Reply to ZippyZee

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