It is difficult for me to accept that my 96 year old Mother that lives alone in her own home with home caregiver coming 3 times a week getting two bottles of booze weekly. Does anyone else have a parent boozing it up weekly?
My Mom claims she is lonely and depressed and that’s why she drinks. Her mental health is deteriorating, and she refuses antidepressant medication and prefers alcohol. She has sundowners, and she is a narcissist and runs off her caregivers after a few months with her foul tongue and attitude. She is now on her 15th caregiver in 3 years. Moving her to assisted living is not an option because she would get evicted due to her inability to live in a community without being vulgar and disrupting the community. I fear getting called to come get her and then not having a place for her to live. Moving her into my home is not an OPTION. Having her live in her own home is better because she can’t get evicted from her own home. I know living alone is lonely, but she refuses to go to visit at the Senior Community Center and make friends.
I do not live close by, and it is a 5 hour drive for me to check on her. I manage her checking and credit card account checking it for fraudulent charges, and I can see when her caregiver comes and goes on the RING camera. My brother’s attitude is to let her live however she wants and does not get involved. He does not want to hear my concerns and avoids talking to me. Any advice from the group? Should I just let the chips fall where they may? I guess my biggest concern is that she falls from losing her balance and breaks her hip. And I will be the one to deal with her going into rehab and be left with her consequences of her behavior. Or should I let my brother deal with it?
This is your mother's choice.
The consequences of this choice (which of course WILL come inevitably) are hers as well.
I would not take on POA. If someone else wishes to that would be their choice, whether brother, cousin, family friend or anything else.
I would make it clear if called when there's a mishap, a fall with breakage, rehab or placement, that your mother has had a good long life lived by her own stars; you will not be taking part in caregiving or her choices. If she requires guardianship there's always the state.
And do, for your own sake, go to Al-Anon where you will have the company, comfort, support, knowledge and options open to families of alcoholics.
I don't mean to sound unsupportive of you, but not everything can be fixed. You aren't god, you aren't a Saint, and those are tough job descriptions over all. Just get on with your own life and let her drink. She is 96. It's an option!
Let her drink. If this is her way of coping, it is her choice.
I would suggest Al-Anon for you.
A time will come where she may need Longterm care. Place her at that time.
It is insidious, a slow erosion of a person, family.
The most difficult part is watching the decline happen, you know what is happening but the person with addiction can't see it.
"They" say it takes hitting rock bottom before you can work your way back.
It takes a strong person to watch this unfold. You have to know you did nothing to create the problem and you can do nothing to correct the problem.
At 96 she won't stop drinking.
I had to step way back when Dad passed out drunk in the parking lot of the golf course next to the corn fields. Another guy found him and called 911. I stepped way back after this event.
I'd keep monitoring the monies but let the chips fall where they may.
Sorry about your Dad, but I get your point. I will look into getting that book from the library. AlAnon might be a good group to join. Thank you for your response.
I'm with your brother on this one. If I were you, I'd keep helping with bank and credit cards. I'm not sure I'd monitor the caregiver coming in and out. I wouldn't want to get into that aspect of mom's care because it could lead to more involvement on my part.
Chips will fall where they may sooner rather than later. Sit back and watch. This seems cruel, I know. I believe mom has chosen the way she wants to die and may be eager to hasten that event. Sad.
You don't have to deal with her going into rehab. Let someone else handle it. A social worker will get involved, maybe the state takes over her care, so what. Maybe your brother becomes more involved once she's immobilized and not going home after rehab.
At any rate, give stepping back a try. You can always change your mind. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But you can stop it. Question is, will you?
I do need to step back and STOP monitoring caregiver coming and going through RING. Obviously, I am needing to stop, and your question is putting me behind the 8 ball! Good point! And letting her live her end days is her decision alone. Mine is to get on with my own life. Thank you for your time to respond.
YOU can not change your mom and her drinking.
Thankfully you know your boundaries when it comes to her care.
At some point when you can have a CALM meaningful conversation ask her what she wants done when she can no longer remain at home.
she could have caregivers 24/7 as an option.
placement in a Skilled Nursing Facility would also be an option.
*If she refuses to talk about this just know that WHEN (notice I didn't say IF) the time comes when she will be hospitalized you tell the Social Worker, the Discharge Planner, and and all Medical staff that she can not be discharged to home, she has no one to care for her. She can not be discharged into your care as you can not safely care for her. Repeat this as often as needed.
Once you know what her wishes are the tough thing to do is ...back off.
You can't change her.
More importantly she can't change either.