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It is difficult for me to accept that my 96 year old Mother that lives alone in her own home with home caregiver coming 3 times a week getting two bottles of booze weekly. Does anyone else have a parent boozing it up weekly?
My Mom claims she is lonely and depressed and that’s why she drinks. Her mental health is deteriorating, and she refuses antidepressant medication and prefers alcohol. She has sundowners, and she is a narcissist and runs off her caregivers after a few months with her foul tongue and attitude. She is now on her 15th caregiver in 3 years. Moving her to assisted living is not an option because she would get evicted due to her inability to live in a community without being vulgar and disrupting the community. I fear getting called to come get her and then not having a place for her to live. Moving her into my home is not an OPTION. Having her live in her own home is better because she can’t get evicted from her own home. I know living alone is lonely, but she refuses to go to visit at the Senior Community Center and make friends.
I do not live close by, and it is a 5 hour drive for me to check on her. I manage her checking and credit card account checking it for fraudulent charges, and I can see when her caregiver comes and goes on the RING camera. My brother’s attitude is to let her live however she wants and does not get involved. He does not want to hear my concerns and avoids talking to me. Any advice from the group? Should I just let the chips fall where they may? I guess my biggest concern is that she falls from losing her balance and breaks her hip. And I will be the one to deal with her going into rehab and be left with her consequences of her behavior. Or should I let my brother deal with it?

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Anti depressants don't replace alcohol. NOTHING replaces alcohol and drugs. Nothing at all. So you should go to Al Anon, I think to get the basics down so you will know that you have zero control over the drinking of a loved one, or of anyone else on earth. She is 96 and it's somewhat a miracle that she's drinking this much and still on her feet in all truth.
This is your mother's choice.
The consequences of this choice (which of course WILL come inevitably) are hers as well.
I would not take on POA. If someone else wishes to that would be their choice, whether brother, cousin, family friend or anything else.

I would make it clear if called when there's a mishap, a fall with breakage, rehab or placement, that your mother has had a good long life lived by her own stars; you will not be taking part in caregiving or her choices. If she requires guardianship there's always the state.
And do, for your own sake, go to Al-Anon where you will have the company, comfort, support, knowledge and options open to families of alcoholics.

I don't mean to sound unsupportive of you, but not everything can be fixed. You aren't god, you aren't a Saint, and those are tough job descriptions over all. Just get on with your own life and let her drink. She is 96. It's an option!
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Ninety six years old and still a practicing alcoholic? Her lifespan way surpasses the predicted lifespan of a heavy drinker. The prediction is that alcohol will shorten a person's lifespan by twenty years. This does not seem to be the case here.

Let her drink. If this is her way of coping, it is her choice.

I would suggest Al-Anon for you.
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I am with your brother. At 96 let her drink. If she is depressed she is self medicating. My cousin is BiPolar and that is her choice of medicine.

A time will come where she may need Longterm care. Place her at that time.
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TxPonyGirl Jun 20, 2025
You are absolutely correct. When the time comes, we will place her in nursing care or memory care whichever comes first. Her choice is alcohol over getting on an antidepressant.
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Dealing with ANY type of addiction is difficult.
It is insidious, a slow erosion of a person, family.
The most difficult part is watching the decline happen, you know what is happening but the person with addiction can't see it.
"They" say it takes hitting rock bottom before you can work your way back.
It takes a strong person to watch this unfold. You have to know you did nothing to create the problem and you can do nothing to correct the problem.
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TxPonyGirl Jun 20, 2025
Thank you for your response. Yes, it is difficult and painful to watch your parent drink themselves to a unhealthy end of life.
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Al-anon is likely the answer for you. Because it is the you part that’s under your control.
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
That is true. At least I am 5 miles away from her, and I don’t see her decline. If the caregivers see it, they will alert their supervisor who will alert either my brother or me. Still, I have a great sadness inside. Maybe Al-anon is my next self love move like others have suggested. Thank you for your comments.
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Put your attention into AlAnon for you. I like their Courage to Change book. AlAnon is about healthy boundaries for you.

At 96 she won't stop drinking.

I had to step way back when Dad passed out drunk in the parking lot of the golf course next to the corn fields. Another guy found him and called 911. I stepped way back after this event.

I'd keep monitoring the monies but let the chips fall where they may.
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
I have been overseeing her finances. Making sure to move money from her investments to her checking and monitoring her credit card.
Sorry about your Dad, but I get your point. I will look into getting that book from the library. AlAnon might be a good group to join. Thank you for your response.
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Most people that I know of over 80 suffer from falls regardless of whether they drink alcohol. There’s really no way to prevent falls regardless of where the person lives. If she’s uncivil, perhaps it’s better she lives alone. What’s the downside to just letting her live out the rest of her days as she pleases?
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
You are right. It is her choice to make. Drinking two bottles a week is her thing. Maybe that is all she has left, since my brother can’t stand to be around her, and I am not able to be around her long either. Reap what you Sow in life. No wonder she has no one but the bottle. So sad that is the Mom I have, and I just need to step away.
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Yeah, let her go out how she chooses to go out.
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Go to Al-Anon. You cannot stop ANYONE ELSE from choosing to drink.
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
True!
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Still a raging alcoholic at age 96? I can't believe this will last long without disaster striking sooner, rather than later. She may have a type of dementia referred to as "wet brain" caused by chronic alcoholism. Soon she will be in the hospital from a fall or stroke, and then she'll end up quickly in rehab (probably non-compliant) and then skilled nursing. Let the chips fall, save yourself and step back. She has chosed this path and at 96, she is not going to change. You are the only one who can change.
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
I never heard wet brain. That is interesting. I realize elderly could fall losing balance even from not drinking. I can’t prevent her from falling or her dementia from getting worse. She already has some kidney issues, and she will most likely get worse. At 96, she has outlived all her family and friends. And if I let her destroy my life, she will outlive me. I will take all the advice everyone has given me, and “save me.” Thank you for your reply.
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I assumed by booze you meant hard liquor, but perhaps you meant wine? to me there is a big difference between wine, and say Vodka. My 90 YO mom had a glass of red wine every night that I can recall, and her dr approved it. ( I believe there is now conflicting info on the red wine/heart benefits) Two bottles of wine would be about a weeks worth. However, while she was a bit unsteady ( not from the wine ) she was fine mentally. I doubt you are going to change her at this point, I am sorry to say
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
The type of booze is probably both, hard liquor, wine, and Bailey’s Liquor. I needed group support for what I know should be done. Which is to save myself. Than you.
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I wouldn't put up with a booze hound of a mother either. I completely understand your frustration. After years of overlooking the difficulties that alcoholics caused in my family, I am resolute in my decision to avoid them altogether. I won't deal with them. I won't keep trying to help them unless they actually want and work toward helping themselves. So far that has not happened with any of them.

I'm with your brother on this one. If I were you, I'd keep helping with bank and credit cards. I'm not sure I'd monitor the caregiver coming in and out. I wouldn't want to get into that aspect of mom's care because it could lead to more involvement on my part.

Chips will fall where they may sooner rather than later. Sit back and watch. This seems cruel, I know. I believe mom has chosen the way she wants to die and may be eager to hasten that event. Sad.

You don't have to deal with her going into rehab. Let someone else handle it. A social worker will get involved, maybe the state takes over her care, so what. Maybe your brother becomes more involved once she's immobilized and not going home after rehab.

At any rate, give stepping back a try. You can always change your mind. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But you can stop it. Question is, will you?
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
I appreciate your comments. She has had several good caregivers that have tried to help her about her loneliness and drinking. And my mom refused their help eventually cursing them and mistreating them that they quit.

I do need to step back and STOP monitoring caregiver coming and going through RING. Obviously, I am needing to stop, and your question is putting me behind the 8 ball! Good point! And letting her live her end days is her decision alone. Mine is to get on with my own life. Thank you for your time to respond.
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At her age, she’s not changing, except to worsen. She’s also unlikely to agree to much of anything. Leave her be. You’re doing a good job in watching over the finances. An event will happen that forces change. It always comes, though it’s no fun waiting on it. When it happens, mom will likely be forced to move where appropriate help is available. She still won’t like it. Whatever happy was for mom is over, she’s experienced the losses of family, friends abilities, and health. That’s a lot. Stop living in fear, accept some things as unfixable, and know one day it will all change. I wish you peace
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
Thank you for your response. I have been living in quilt knowing I do not support her going into assisted living because of the outcome. Seeing how she treats her caregivers is enough evidence that she will not adapt to community living. You are right, she is unfixable, And my need for a normal Mom will never happen. I am 69, and I need to accept she is choosing the end of life she wants, and it is time I get on with living. Thank you.
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The first thing I suggest is YOU attend Al-Anon.
YOU can not change your mom and her drinking.
Thankfully you know your boundaries when it comes to her care.
At some point when you can have a CALM meaningful conversation ask her what she wants done when she can no longer remain at home.
she could have caregivers 24/7 as an option.
placement in a Skilled Nursing Facility would also be an option.
*If she refuses to talk about this just know that WHEN (notice I didn't say IF) the time comes when she will be hospitalized you tell the Social Worker, the Discharge Planner, and and all Medical staff that she can not be discharged to home, she has no one to care for her. She can not be discharged into your care as you can not safely care for her. Repeat this as often as needed.
Once you know what her wishes are the tough thing to do is ...back off.
You can't change her.
More importantly she can't change either.
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TxPonyGirl Jun 17, 2025
Your comments are helpful. Thank you. And she can’t change, nor does she want to change. The only control I have is to change myself!
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