Follow
Share

Since 2013, my elderly mother has lived with me. She is so negative. She states she never felt so depressed as she does living with me. She says horrible things, yet birthdays and Christmas I get cards saying what a wonderful son I am. She states the food I cook is not edible. I have not had a holiday since 2005. I want to enjoy my final years without being unhappy. I cannot cope, stress, high blood pressure, chest pains and dizziness.  I really try my best, but I feel so unhappy. I realise she is not happy either, but I feel so low I don't even think my mum likes me. She won't pay any money on the upkeep of my property (even though she lives there rent free). My garden is a mess. I asked for some money towards a gardener every 2 weeks to cut grass to which she replied, "You got yer own money." I believe I am a caring man, but now feel I am useless.
She says she wants to move out, but she cannot walk, is nearly deaf, won't wear her hearing aids and has very bad eyes. What are her options?
Sorry it's too much, you probably think I am not nice.

Find Care & Housing
Tell her you hate that she is so miserable in your house, so you’ve found another place for her. And that she will move in on X date. Don’t ask if she wants to go; tell her she is going.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to LoopyLoo
Report
Beethoven13 May 17, 2025
Great answer.
(3)
Report
Why does she live with you if she hates it so much??? Where can she move to that will release both of you from this misery that cohabitating has created? Then she can cook her own delicious meals and feel happy to be out of your home. Your mother is an energy vampire and needs to live elsewhere and save her complaints for others. Assisted Living would be best. Then she can pay others to listen to her complain and you can go visit occasionally.

Get busy finding another place for mother to reside, you've done enough for a woman whose ungrateful.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

No, we DON’T think you are ‘not nice’. It’s your mother who is ‘not nice’.

You have made a good first step by actually complaining to us. What’s your next step going to be?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

Actually you are too nice for your own good. You are sacrificing your own life (and health) to be a caregiver slave to a selfish senior brat.

She lives rent free and tells you "You got your own money?" Why isn't Mom paying you a dime for living with you? She should have plenty of money saved to move elsewhere, such as a facility. Why does she think life is a free ride? She can't get her own independent apt. in her poor condition! She can't drive, shop, cook, clean or do much of anything, except complain.

Do you realize that 40% of caregivers trapped in caregiving slavery end up dying before the person they are taking care of? The stress becomes unbearable, and causes physical issues to start affecting them.

Stop worrying about your selfish and ungrateful Mom, and find her a place to move her to. She will have to live in a facility (aka the dreaded "Home") to get waited on 24/7. She obviously cannot take care of herself, drive, buy groceries, cook or clean on her own.

Get a Elder Lawyer to get Medi-Caid to afford it, since it won't be free. Mom's free ride is over. Take your life back!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Dawn88
Report

Her options are hers! Tell her she can leave if that's what she wants to do. You're drained, burnt-out and have no control over someone who resists your care,so why bang your head against the "brick" wall? You've spent a lot of time helping with no appreciation for this, you're more than nice, you're a loving person with a huuuge heart! You just came to the rightful conclusion that you can't do this anymore. Figure out what she can afford and start taking tours of facilities. They can wait on her and it's going to cost her more than someone to do some yard work! We don't know much of her condition but you stated you want to enjoy your final years and you should! Assisted living/memory care if she is forgetful and a fall risk. I'm guessing that as soon as she sees these facilities she'll want to go back to you. Not that they're bad,some are awesome,but she won't want to leave her comfort zone with you. Don't let it happen, your health is at risk too! It's time, caregivers suffer more than people know and you do this guilt free.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JuliaH
Report

You are feeling used and abused and only you can draw the Line . Take back your Life . I Like what Leonnie said about a " Energy Vampire . " I had a Miserable sister Like that Only complained and Used me and Other people . I would tell her " it is time to go to assisted Living . " You are in a difficult situation . She should be Pulling some weight as far as helping with a gardener . I had a sister who would randomly show up to My House on Cape cod , Park herself on My couch , use My car , gas and cellphone , eat My food and then complain about How much she hated Cape Cod and then say " I am sponging Off of you . " My Doctor wanted me " She is a Vampire Karen . " Sounds Like you were groomed to be a Mamas Boy . Only You can cut the cord . Indentured slave . Get a Therapist , get some support . You are fine she is the one who Isn't nice . Start spending sometime on yourself , get a Massage , Join a community center , go Out for lunch , Keep a Journal , Join a Yoga class or Pickleball . Focus on you and Not her and take your life back . And your home . For some reason you feel you have to sacrifice your Life for her to be a good son . You dont . She should want you to have your Own Life and be Happy . I hate people who use other people then complain about how Miserable they are . Its Like a slap in the face and yes you are being abused by your Mother who Knows she can get away with it .
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to KNance72
Report

Stop worrying about what other people think of you! We're not important. You are.

Anyone who treats you like you're garbage needs to go. Your mum has been abusing you, making you feel like a lesser person, withholding money that she should pay for her upkeep, and making you sick. This is how she controls you!

Do you live in the United States? If not (or maybe even if so), I suspect that this is a culture in which filial obligation is key. Please let us know more about the culture in which you were raised. My comments will ensue after I know the situation better.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

To get your life back, your mother should be living in some sort of a care home. You say she can’t walk - is she totally bed bound? If so, she needs to be housed in a long term care facility. If she can get around with a walker or scooter she MAY be able to go to assisted living. If she has some money she can pay for these care options then apply for Medicaid prior to money running out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to peace416
Report

While you look for her next living situation, ALF or a senior home with 3-4 other residents or Medicaid SNF, use her credit card for groceries for the house. Also use her money to pay for yard maintenance at your house once a month or every 2 weeks. No discussion, just inform and do. I would also charge her monthly rent. Even if it’s only $200. Dollars, it may help you feel less used, in the short term. Sounds like she has quite a mouth on her and is a big, negative, wet blanket to be around, most of the time. I wouldn’t pursue home care aides mostly for that reason. You need a break from her negativity and a life separate from her. A life where you have most of the control. You can do it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Beethoven13
Report

It's difficult to go against what our parents decide for themselves, but she is also deciding for you, and you have to let her know you are not with her program of how it should go any longer. She has to leave, so whatever needs to be done to get her out, do it. She might need more care than assisted living provides, but make some calls and see who will accept her, how she will pay for it, and when she can go. There are answers to "You got yer own money", such as "Yes, and so do you .You live here and you won't pay your share, so you have to leave. The decision has been made. No discussion".
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to ArtistDaughter
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter