She complains about the aides, the staff, the food, other residents, the doctor, the laundry... I've tried to redirect the conversation by bringing up topics in the news, activities of family members, events in my own life. She always brings the conversation back to another negative comment about her life. I've even said, "Did anything good happen today?"
She is living in an Assisted Living Facility. She has her own room in a new addition. The facility is understaffed, like many places now. They are doing the best they can and are trying to hire more staff. I wish she could be thankful for what she does have and realize how difficult it is for me to listen to all the negativity every day.
Good luck.
For example when she starts down the path of unending misery you can say "oh dear, sounds like you're having a terrible day. I'll try to catch you another day when things are better" and hang up. She may or may not shape up a little eventually but you're not a public dump for her emotional garbage.
Set some boundaries and just come to expect it. She's not being negative because she's not grateful or is trying to make your life miserable. She herself has not dealt with her own issues (eg. oncoming mortality, being vulnerable, personal regrets/failures, etc, etc...). Just don't confuse her state of mind as any kind of reflection on your part. Its entirely her own ordeal to own. You're doing the best you can.
What I like to do is to try and get a little smart with responses in a lighthearted, non offensive manners. (my mother was a negative anxiety ridden person for most of my life).
Eg. Hey there ma, how was the movie they showed at the facility?
m). It was terrible. All movies are just about young people nowadays.
~Fascinating critique. Tell me more about your perspectives on young vs old movies.
~Maybe the old people movies just werent profitable enough.
~Think you could do better? What kind of story would you tell?
Don't ask questions that you know (from experience probably) will generate a negative response.
Don't respond, don't point out positives or try to get her to see things differently.
Simple responses "Oh, sorry that is happening" even though that doesn't mean you are taking responsibility.
Change the subject as soon as possible as gently as possible.
Sometimes this may be the only way our loved ones can try to regain some of what they have lost. Just a thought...
Best of luck, and if you haven't heard it from her lately, "thank you!"
PeggySue commented below 'At the facility SO works at, all staff are told at the new hire not to ask how are you. They instead say that it’s good to see you, mrs smith.', which is a brilliant approach, starting out the interaction, with a positive topspin.
Maybe trying something like that. You mentioned ''I've tried to redirect the conversation by bringing up topics in the news, activities of family members, events in my own life.' - don't give up on that, but continue to expand on it by writing down any interesting topic you come across in your life to share with her.
Don't give up....
Whether this is not calling everyday, keeping the calls short, telling her you can't listen to the same complaints daily or whatever works for you. You have to take control of what you allow yourself to be subjected to.
I would try to find her a pen pal and see if that doesn't give her something positive to do and look forward to. Even a little kid sending pictures and notes can be beneficial to her.
If she is calling you--just screen her calls. There's no point whatsoever in listening to the same complaints all day. It will start to get to you, if it hasn't already.
If you spoke to my MIL you would think this woman never had a joyful second in her life. It's bizarre. I stopped speaking to her over 2 years ago. I simply could not handle the negativity. She is getting worse as she ages (she's 92) and poor DH--he sees her # on caller ID and gets upset immediately.
Sadly, at this stage, nothing can be done. She hates everybody but her daughter, who is an absolute saint.
Boundaries. Maybe take 1 call a day and keep it light. You need to not let her poison you with her anger & unhappiness.
They suck your life force if you allow it.
Well done for saying, no more!