Sorry for your loss, Jaxzee. Unless they have walked the path no one knows the lonely, all-encompassing duties of the caregiver. May you find peace somehow. I don't have advice, only sending a hug.
From your profile you did a lot. Not only are you feeling the loss of your mom but there is the loss of you as a caregiver, the loss of you as a daughter. Now what do you do with the time you have that you used to care for mom? (I have to tell you that when I was caring for my Husband I often was awakened by him at 3 am and I would get up and change him...It took me months before I could sleep through the night.) Was mom on Hospice? If so they will offer Bereavement Support take advantage of that. Reach out to them if you need to. If you belong to a Church or other organized religion reach out to them as well many have support groups. When you can look for something to fill your days. Work, volunteer something that will give you meaning.
In your profile you were living with mom while caring for her.
Are you going to have to move? If so is this something you HAVE to do, or a want to do? If you don't "have" to move do not make any major life changing decisions for a while, let yourself settle in your new role.
your comments are so true. My mom died one year ago. We had a complicated relationship all our lives which complicates my grieving. I came here on agingcare today to search for answers to some of my self-questions. I appreciate your comments.
I’m sorry for your loss. You’ve been through a long and hard journey of caregiving and what you’re experiencing now is perfectly normal. Consider attending a GriefShare group, there are many and don’t cost, very helpful to a lot of people. As you emerge from this phase it will become time to consider what you want from the next stage of life and consider new possibilities. We all need hope and something to look forward to, allow yourself to begin thinking on this. For myself, I did a lot of volunteer work and then went back to work part time in a field completely different from anything I’d done before. I wish you comfort and peace
It’s very difficult to approach a complete stranger and say ‘I’m lonely, I need to make new friends’, particularly if it leads to a long depressing conversation about why.
It’s better to work alongside other people - in a paid or volunteer job – and get to know them a bit before building towards a friendship. Take in some home made cookies, or suggest getting together for a coffee during a break. Then talk about your coffee preferences or your cooking triumphs, not your problems.
I think that what you are experiencing is quite normal in the world of caregiving, some lose touch with themselves, caretaking when it becomes ones life, ones identity, they lose their momentum, their friends all in the process of caring for another.
Allow yourself time to grieve, think about who you were before, what you enjoyed doing and make a plan to get back with the living. How about finding a church to attend? Start mingling with others, put yourself out there.
This will take time, just as it took time to move into the hole of darkness you currently live in.
One of the things I personally have noticed with people who have cared for another in a home environment is that they cannot stop talking about their issues with that person, over and over again, it makes it difficult to move forward if you are all consumed with another, living or dead.
If you feel unable to move forward perhaps therapy would be in order to get you jump started. Good Luck!
Not unusual and a part of the grieving process. We become so very entrenched in it being ALL about the caregiving that it is very difficult and we are at loose ends. Think about those times when our kids leave our nests empty. It is an adjustment, for certain. You are moving into a new phase in your life. Will take you time to even remember what you used to like doing, let alone starting to do it. Give yourself some time. If you find yourself eventually needing someone to talk to about your fears or worries about moving on consider a few sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. They are the best at life transitions work. I am sorry for your loss. I had a friend who reacted almost exactly as you are and it took a bit of time. Be gentle with yourself. Step slowly out. I am very sorry for your loss.
Listen to Alva. She’s right. Feeling lost afterwards is common. I felt like the days were so long . I had to remember what my days were like before caring for parents . I had to remember how to take care of myself , and remember what I used to like to do etc . Reconnect with friends. It was hard to get started . I felt like I had to learn how to live all over again. I went on a vacation. I even changed jobs. It is an adjustment to a different type of “empty nest” . I had to find the reset button and push it everyday to get a smidge closer to a new routine . Keep coming back to this forum . These are great people. I am fairly new . Joined looking for support as I am back in the caregiver seat again with in law . One day at a time. You will find what works for you . It’s different for everyone It will get better . Sorry for your loss.
Try going to Church, a small one. They usually have womens groups, dinners where u can help. Even grief support.
Libraries usually have things going on. Ours has bus trips. The one I went on, seemed to be regulars that got to know each other.
Maybe a little part-time job. A friend of mine files and does odd jobs for a doctors office. Volunteering.
Check out your Senior Center and see whats going on there.
Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.
Not only are you feeling the loss of your mom but there is the loss of you as a caregiver, the loss of you as a daughter.
Now what do you do with the time you have that you used to care for mom?
(I have to tell you that when I was caring for my Husband I often was awakened by him at 3 am and I would get up and change him...It took me months before I could sleep through the night.)
Was mom on Hospice? If so they will offer Bereavement Support take advantage of that. Reach out to them if you need to.
If you belong to a Church or other organized religion reach out to them as well many have support groups.
When you can look for something to fill your days.
Work, volunteer something that will give you meaning.
In your profile you were living with mom while caring for her.
Are you going to have to move? If so is this something you HAVE to do, or a want to do? If you don't "have" to move do not make any major life changing decisions for a while, let yourself settle in your new role.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, peace, strength and comfort for this new season in your life.
I just lost my mom and I don't think anyone can imagine the struggles of losing your mom, until you have lost your mom.
I think it is the most complicated relationship a female will ever have and it takes time to process all the emotions tied to this human called mom.
Great big warm hug! You will get through this difficult time. Be kind to yourself and spoil yourself a bit right now.
It’s better to work alongside other people - in a paid or volunteer job – and get to know them a bit before building towards a friendship. Take in some home made cookies, or suggest getting together for a coffee during a break. Then talk about your coffee preferences or your cooking triumphs, not your problems.
Allow yourself time to grieve, think about who you were before, what you enjoyed doing and make a plan to get back with the living. How about finding a church to attend? Start mingling with others, put yourself out there.
This will take time, just as it took time to move into the hole of darkness you currently live in.
One of the things I personally have noticed with people who have cared for another in a home environment is that they cannot stop talking about their issues with that person, over and over again, it makes it difficult to move forward if you are all consumed with another, living or dead.
If you feel unable to move forward perhaps therapy would be in order to get you jump started. Good Luck!
She’s right. Feeling lost afterwards is common. I felt like the days were so long . I had to remember what my days were like before caring for parents . I had to remember how to take care of myself , and remember what I used to like to do etc . Reconnect with friends. It was hard to get started . I felt like I had to learn how to live all over again. I went on a vacation. I even changed jobs. It is an adjustment to a different type of “empty nest” . I had to find the reset button and push it everyday to get a smidge closer to a new routine .
Keep coming back to this forum . These are great people. I am fairly new . Joined looking for support as I am back in the caregiver seat again with in law .
One day at a time. You will find what works for you . It’s different for everyone It will get better .
Sorry for your loss.