Im sorry I'd throw a party After caring for a selfish m who at 89 wants me to give up the few yrs i have left and guilttrips me Yes still guilt trips me after i spend hrs at her care home(after living w her 2 yrs til she was pooping all over the house and wheelchair bound) She has dementia bit she's still capable of trying to make me feel i abandoned her!!!
Jaxzee85 you are going through your own transaction. Yes it's difficult. Because as humans we taken care if them just like they do it did us. ( Tables flip) we placed our hearts mind and patience. Taught our self to tolerate unexpected actions. We had a regiment daily. Instantly / immediately it all came to a hault .
Don't know your age, yet a Community Center for active people. Volunteer or go get part time job but keep weekends off or you. Go to Library see if they have Book Club. Travel if that's what you wanted to do . Don't have to be far, there's a lot in your City. Life continues for us don't stop living . We are lost again . Know what to do. Have you attend grievance classes, it will seem to assist some. Call a true friend you been missing, open up how you feel.
Call Area for Aging Agency I found that so helpful in many ways are AARP excellent. Yet take your time to release . Learn to meditate, yoga or one day gym class. Yet what ever you do . Do it for you.if you prefer in house first free class on computer. Easiest I found was take a walk every evening doesn't have to be far release . Talk to God Take care Brown Sugar ☮️
I can see myself in your shoes when my Mom leaves this earth. For me, the antidote to loneliness is to get involved in something(s). For me, the grief passes, when I find some other way of giving back to humankind.
1. See if you can find a church. Even if you don't want to partake in the adult lessons, many churches need help taking care of the children while the adults are doing adult things. In addition, many churches have outreach to members who can no longer physically come to the church. Some just need companionship, some want to discuss world news.
2. Volunteer at a food bank. Most food banks need help sorting through all the donations of food. Some people find sorting a way to help focus the brain. You could also see if Meals on Wheels needs help.
3. If you are over 55, see if your local college or university will let you audit a class at no cost. Each university has their own guidelines.
4. If you enjoyed caregiving, look for a CNA school near you. Licensed CNAs are in high demand. If you liked that type of work and have many years to live, go to nursing school.
5. Contact the office of aging. One or more of their organizations might be needing volunteers. An organization that I'm affiliated with, does pen pals with elementary school children.
6. If you are an animal lover, contact the Humane Society in your area and see if you can help take dogs for a walk or just sit and cuddle with the cats and rabbits. If you are inclined, you could foster a dog or cat or rabbit or....
7. What did you do before you were a full-time caregiver? Can you go back to it?
It is tough. It is a new routine. It is very easy to get into the schedule of getting up late and being non-productive. However, it is very difficult to reverse that schedule. It is also very discouraging to be rejected as a volunteer. However, keep on trying
Your profile says that you helped tend the garden. With Spring coming up, I'm sure a lot of people would love to have you help them tend to their garden. Maybe you can just talk to your neighbors and help them keep up their gardens.
I'm glad you are reaching out for help. That is a step in the right direction. Now you need to take the next step.
There are a lot of good ideas here. I just lost my husband a little over 3 months ago. I would recommend Grief Share. They are in most areas. Check with local churches. You might say I can’t do that because I live in the country. A lady in my group who lost her husband about a year ago drives in from the country. It is worth it. Because Grief Share did not start back up until August, I watched YouTube videos on grief. It helped me. I asked that same lady who drives from the country how she made it a year. She said, “I just do the next step”. So try to do that each day. Make a short list. If you can only do one thing on the list, great. You have never had this before, Give yourself some time to adjust. I had a list this morning. I did one thing. And I am very happy I did that. Been on the list for weeks.
As a child, my father and I didn't have a great relationship, but we were pretty much best friends as adults. He was a right-wing conservative Republican; I'm gay.. figure that one out.
When he died a few years ago, I knew I needed to "trade in" the grief and sadness I was feeling for something else. I chose gratitude and happiness.
The first thing I did was get undeniably present to his tremendous influence in my life, from letting me get arrested for shoplifting when I was a child to loaning me money to start my first business in my 20's, to asking my Asian boyfriend to be a pallbearer at my mother's funeral and watching the confusion on some of the attendees faces! :-)
Then, I began to remember the silly little things that made our relationship so much fun and so special. Trying to teach him to use chopsticks (never happened), sitting with him while he was working in the garage, and in his later years, even though he was in Chicago and I was in Florida, we would get on the phone, watch Hannity together, sip scotch and argue politics during commercial breaks. I get teary-eyed just thinking about these moments.
But what made the difference for me wasn't thinking about the past; it was sharing those stories with others. I talk about my dad to anyone who will listen. Working in Senior Healthcare, I easily relate stories about my dad to my client's trials and tribulations. I talk about my dad with friends, buddies at the bar, and family. I've learned so much about him since he passed; it's fantastic! The people in my life get to experience my love and gratitude for my father, and whether they knew him or not, they get to experience his love for me.
So, my advice to you would be to write your mom's biography, share the stories of her life, and ask the people who knew her what they loved most about her and what they miss most about her. You might cry, but I promise you will also laugh.
The loneliness will disappear, and the grief will be replaced with love and gratitude!
Try it... reply to may post with a funny story about your mom right now!
This is an old post. Who knows how long it’s been since the OP posted? I don’t feel like reading all of the replies to see.
Just want to tell you that I enjoyed reading your post. You’re proof that people can love others even if they have their differences. I’m the same way. There are people that I admire and respect even though we are nothing alike.
Personally, I feel that your dad accepted you because you accepted him as a good father regardless of your differences. We don’t have to be carbon copies of each other.
I don’t have anything in common with far right conservatives either but like you, I am able to see people as individuals and find some common ground.
I found your post quite refreshing. Best wishes to you. Cherish your memories of your father. I adored my dad as well. I find myself repeating some of his words to my children. He was a wonderful grandfather to my children.
Yes, either private counseling with a licensed social worker in private counseling practice who tells you that he or she is experienced with grief-work OR support groups for grieving.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Grieving is as individual as your own fingerprint. There is really no one to tell you how to do it or what is "right" or "wrong" in handling it. Many will try to avoid grief's final visitation by being angry or feeling there was something they might have done. Anything to avoid the inevitability of sitting with the profound loss.
There is simply no way to avoid grief in life if you invest love in another person. And often time is the only healing force capable of turning sadness to good memories.
For my own grief when I lost my brother it helped to write him long letters I had written all my life when we didn't live in the same place. I collaged and decorated and told him about my days. I did this for just under a year, and it helped me quite a lot. Part of the magical thinking that gets us moving through it.
After caring for a selfish m who at 89 wants me to give up the few yrs i have left and guilttrips me Yes still guilt trips me after i spend hrs at her care home(after living w her 2 yrs til she was pooping all over the house and wheelchair bound)
She has dementia bit she's still capable of trying to make me feel i abandoned her!!!
It sounds difficult indeed, but a party?
immediately it all came to a hault .
Don't know your age, yet a Community Center for active
people. Volunteer or go get part time job but keep weekends off or you. Go to Library see if they have Book Club. Travel if that's what you wanted to do . Don't have to be far, there's a lot in your City.
Life continues for us don't stop living .
We are lost again . Know what to do. Have you attend grievance classes, it will seem to assist some.
Call a true friend you been missing, open up how you feel.
Call Area for Aging Agency I found that so helpful in many ways are AARP excellent. Yet take your time to release . Learn to meditate, yoga or one day gym class. Yet what ever you do . Do it for you.if you prefer in house first free class on computer. Easiest I found was take a walk every evening doesn't have to be far release . Talk to God Take care Brown Sugar ☮️
Grieving is personal. There is no ‘right or wrong’ way to grieve.
Wishing you peace as your heart heals.
1. See if you can find a church. Even if you don't want to partake in the adult lessons, many churches need help taking care of the children while the adults are doing adult things. In addition, many churches have outreach to members who can no longer physically come to the church. Some just need companionship, some want to discuss world news.
2. Volunteer at a food bank. Most food banks need help sorting through all the donations of food. Some people find sorting a way to help focus the brain. You could also see if Meals on Wheels needs help.
3. If you are over 55, see if your local college or university will let you audit a class at no cost. Each university has their own guidelines.
4. If you enjoyed caregiving, look for a CNA school near you. Licensed CNAs are in high demand. If you liked that type of work and have many years to live, go to nursing school.
5. Contact the office of aging. One or more of their organizations might be needing volunteers. An organization that I'm affiliated with, does pen pals with elementary school children.
6. If you are an animal lover, contact the Humane Society in your area and see if you can help take dogs for a walk or just sit and cuddle with the cats and rabbits. If you are inclined, you could foster a dog or cat or rabbit or....
7. What did you do before you were a full-time caregiver? Can you go back to it?
It is tough. It is a new routine. It is very easy to get into the schedule of getting up late and being non-productive. However, it is very difficult to reverse that schedule. It is also very discouraging to be rejected as a volunteer. However, keep on trying
Your profile says that you helped tend the garden. With Spring coming up, I'm sure a lot of people would love to have you help them tend to their garden. Maybe you can just talk to your neighbors and help them keep up their gardens.
I'm glad you are reaching out for help. That is a step in the right direction. Now you need to take the next step.
When he died a few years ago, I knew I needed to "trade in" the grief and sadness I was feeling for something else. I chose gratitude and happiness.
The first thing I did was get undeniably present to his tremendous influence in my life, from letting me get arrested for shoplifting when I was a child to loaning me money to start my first business in my 20's, to asking my Asian boyfriend to be a pallbearer at my mother's funeral and watching the confusion on some of the attendees faces! :-)
Then, I began to remember the silly little things that made our relationship so much fun and so special. Trying to teach him to use chopsticks (never happened), sitting with him while he was working in the garage, and in his later years, even though he was in Chicago and I was in Florida, we would get on the phone, watch Hannity together, sip scotch and argue politics during commercial breaks. I get teary-eyed just thinking about these moments.
But what made the difference for me wasn't thinking about the past; it was sharing those stories with others. I talk about my dad to anyone who will listen. Working in Senior Healthcare, I easily relate stories about my dad to my client's trials and tribulations. I talk about my dad with friends, buddies at the bar, and family. I've learned so much about him since he passed; it's fantastic! The people in my life get to experience my love and gratitude for my father, and whether they knew him or not, they get to experience his love for me.
So, my advice to you would be to write your mom's biography, share the stories of her life, and ask the people who knew her what they loved most about her and what they miss most about her. You might cry, but I promise you will also laugh.
The loneliness will disappear, and the grief will be replaced with love and gratitude!
Try it... reply to may post with a funny story about your mom right now!
Just want to tell you that I enjoyed reading your post. You’re proof that people can love others even if they have their differences. I’m the same way. There are people that I admire and respect even though we are nothing alike.
Personally, I feel that your dad accepted you because you accepted him as a good father regardless of your differences. We don’t have to be carbon copies of each other.
I don’t have anything in common with far right conservatives either but like you, I am able to see people as individuals and find some common ground.
I found your post quite refreshing. Best wishes to you. Cherish your memories of your father. I adored my dad as well. I find myself repeating some of his words to my children. He was a wonderful grandfather to my children.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Grieving is as individual as your own fingerprint. There is really no one to tell you how to do it or what is "right" or "wrong" in handling it. Many will try to avoid grief's final visitation by being angry or feeling there was something they might have done. Anything to avoid the inevitability of sitting with the profound loss.
There is simply no way to avoid grief in life if you invest love in another person. And often time is the only healing force capable of turning sadness to good memories.
For my own grief when I lost my brother it helped to write him long letters I had written all my life when we didn't live in the same place. I collaged and decorated and told him about my days. I did this for just under a year, and it helped me quite a lot. Part of the magical thinking that gets us moving through it.
I wish you the very best.