I am working on the guardianship process for my elderly father. Any words of encouragement are welcome.

We went through 3 rounds of hearings with mthr's cancer surgery between two and three. She was eventually found competent by the judge, and he & her court-appointed attorney had no problem with her assigning my hubby & me her DPOAs. We placed her in Memory Care and she's happily been there for years where they take much better care of her than a cycle of private nurses would. The home is owned by the manager who has a geriatric nursing degree. Mthr's case is well known and I feel confident that any care the doctor orders won't get by the manager if it's wrong - she's that strong a personality to block the doc!

I can't imagine forcing an elder into the isolation of living at home, even if he thinks he wants to (think kindergarten for a 4 year old). That would be so lonely, whereas even at this Memory Care, there are playgroups that the various hospices sponsor with a social worker to direct games on the weekends when the staff does not. It's really awesome to see mthr go from being an absolute recluse to enjoying silly things like Bingo that she said she'd never play. Ah, but her competitive nature gets to her and she has to win. Very cute.

You need to provide more details. I assume you father is incompetent. Do live you with him or nearby?

I just went through the process with my father. There were no customized provisions. I was awarded full guardianship and conservator over my dad. He is in a memory care unit. I have the authority to direct every aspect of his care and finances.

To keep my dad at home I would have to have created my own nursing home.  The money would have run out in a year.

I would think you’d have the same authority when you complete the process.

It is overwhelming. I’m dealing with selling the house and all the rest. Mom died back in April. Still dealing with bills and probate after her death.

It sounds to me that your dad is borderline. Has he been give a slums test or other such mental exam? How did he do?

If he can still take a cab to a doctors office I can’t imagine a judge ruling him incompetent.

What exactly is going on here?

He is 92 years old. He has taken several tests including the SLUMS, given by geriatric psychiatrist. Did not do well. He does not make good decisions. He is very, very frugal (product of the depression?) Will not spend the money to take care of himself or eat properly. He has more money than he will need for the rest of his life. The money is not an issue. The decision making is. The cars. The hygiene. The concern of a 'friend' of his who is getting too close to the money. It's all out of our hands until the guardianship goes through. I have been pushed, and pushed, and PUSHED by many, many people involved with this - care manager, adult protective services, doctors, etc. - to apply for guardianship. I stalled as long as I could until he had a hospitalization a few months back and the hospital insisted. I'm the most involved in his care of anyone and I know him better than anyone else (I have 3 siblings but this is all on me) but I'm starting to panic at the amount of work this is going to be. I work full time and have my own family and am going to be a first time grandma this fall. Creating a balance between my husband and my dad the last 3-1/2 years when I got involved in this has been hard. My husband requires a certain amount of attention but dad generally eats that up. I really need a new care manager to manage this Monday through Friday. Unfortunately in my state, the law is with my dad. They are very generous to the person who needs the help. As it was worded to me, "as long as you can walk, talk, and breathe they will pretty much deny guardianship.". By putting the stipulation in the guardianship that allows him to stay in his house, we're hoping he will go for it so we can keep this out of court.

So you and Dad are going before a judge at the same hearing? That’s gotta be rough. My dad was represented by a guardian ad litem, an attorney appointed by the court, who had visited Dad in the assisted living. My case was easy. There was no question of my dads incompetence, no objections from any party.

I wish you the best of luck with this. As far as additional work, there are reports due, financial accountings and so forth, but it’s doable.  

Well, we are in the home stretch of this. Dad is totally against any kind of guardianship/conservatorship even though we tried to write a stipulation that says I can't move him nor can I sell his cars. He says he is not going to court nor will he accept the guardianship and will not do anything that I say. I have told him that I could have an outside guardian assigned (I'm really about at that point - I'm so burned out) but he will not honor that either. He only wants to work this out with me out of court which is not the point of this. He wants to keep on this road of destruction he has started and he wants to keep driving (no license for over 6 months and he's 92 years old!) The attorney and I are proceeding with the court thing and I put a bunch of notes together for him over the weekend for the hearing.

For me the key reasons for guardian conservator was to be able to keep Dad in care, end the driving, sell the car and house. I wouldn’t have bothered with the process if those issues weren’t dealt with.

Geez, Windy, u sure we dont have the same dad? 😊 At least today when he brought up the guardianship in front of our new care manager, I didnt get a flat 'no'. Maybe I'm making progress.

I think your dad is higher functioning than my dad. My dad had no idea what was going on even though he’d be visited by a lawyer, given mental tests by a doctor and served legal papers. He had no short term memory. It was quite clear to anyone that my dad could not begin to handle his affairs.

You path down this road is going to be tougher than what I went through I think.

Babs75, kudos to you for being willing to take responsibility for what needs to be done for your stubborn, at least somewhat lucid dad who nonetheless apparently needs much assistance. Do try to remember as you work through this process that his stubborness to you is his independence to himself and don't unnecessarily erode his independence over stuff that isn't imminently dangerous to himself or others. I think your situation is in some ways harder than mine was when I became my dad's guardian because, even though I was his full-time caregiver, his dementia was to the point that he had no idea what was happening. I had never heard of putting a condition into a guardianship, such as allowing him to stay in his house until xyz happens, but it's a great idea if it results in him and his attorney ad litem reducing or withdrawing opposition to your guardianship petition.

That said, your being a bit overwhelmed, panicked and concerned about whether you're going to be able to manage the demands of guardianship while working full-time is a legitimate problem. The responsibilities of being a guardian are serious and can be daunting, even more so for a ward who is stubborn and somewhat lucid. You mentioned responsibilities to your own family and the importance of your employment, thus your being always able and willing to make time, and to stay strong enough to follow through, for an already difficult guardianship will be even harder. You've provided quite a bit of detail about your and your dad's situation, but I'm still wondering about your three siblings who are less, or not at all, involved -- often such siblings become much more involved when they think their future inheritances are disappearing.

You asked for words of encouragement, but all I can offer is best wishes for what I think is going to be a hard job for you to do. You might want to consider having a professional guardian appointed, instead of yourself. Again, kudos to you for even considering taking on this difficult job. Best wishes.