Hi
I’m a 34 year old woman and I’ve been living with my boyfriend for three years. Our relationship was good in the beginning but it turned out to be toxic. Now I live with a man who hates me, insults me and is always causing problems. I know the best thing is to end this relationship because I don’t think he’s the man for me but I’m not brave to walk away and be single again.
I live in Southern California and living on your own here is super expensive. I do not have children so I will only have to support myself. At least that’s a relief! I do have my parents here but I don’t want to live with them. They have a bad marriage and I don’t need that negativity in my life right now. My mom is also very controlling and wants to make decisions for me while I like being independent.
The only thing I could afford is a room because if I rent an apartment I won’t be able to save. I am saving for a future house because I prefer to be on my own and not rely on a man. I am so scared because I’ve never lived as a “roommate” before. I lived with my brother and his friend in my early 20s and I payed them rent and then I lived with my boyfriend’s sharing rent too. But I’ve never lived on my own with a stranger as a formal tenant. I know it will be uncomfortable because I won’t have privacy, I won’t have my own kitchen and refrigerator and I will be stuck in a room basically. I’m not the type of person that likes to be out all day. So I don’t know how I will feel in a room with little space where my stuff will barely fit in. I can probably afford an apartment studio but I have a car loan that is expensive so that will be in another 2 years until I finish paying the loan. My only option is the room because my real friends are married or some live out of state.
I have a stable job, that’s not a problem. My problem is getting used to living in a crappy place while I’m severely depressed because I’m single at the age of 34. That’s a horrible situation to be in and I’m not ready to face it. I am just not brave and I have to realize that unfortunately this is my reality. Every time I’m about to find a place to move out, I chicken out and remain in the same situation. I guess I don’t want to move out of my comfort zone because I don’t want to deal with loneliness, depression and living in a crappy place. So I feel STUCK because I’m not a strong woman. What can I do to make this easier for me?? If I never do it, then I will regret it later on when I’m way older and I had waisted years of my life. Help!
Say it is just temporary, to have more money for rent, or to help out this extra person. That way, your rent will be lowered and you can save up sooner and move out.
A Toxic person, or an abuser can often behave better when another person is around.
Get yourself a private mailbox now and have your mail changed to that address. This will take some time to put into effect and stop mail from going to your boyfriend's address once you leave. You may not need to ever contact him again.
You can do a lot with your own room, make it your little haven. Can keep all your toiletries & non-fridge snacks in your room too if need be.
Best times in my life were housesharing! Think 'Friends' or 'The Big Bang'. This could be a wonderful change.
You are also willing to sacrifice for a better future, which shows maturity. Everyone hopes for the best outcome in relationships, right? In reality, it would be very naive to think that every relationship will be successful. So. don’t allow your parents or anyone else to say anything negative about you. Everyone has kissed a few frogs in their life, even if they eventually end up with their prince!
Listen, you can get through most anything if you know that it is temporary, right? This is only a temporary solution. You are doing it the right way. You are not over extending yourself financially. You are being smart by choosing to live in a small place. Try it. I would avoid living with your parents if you don’t have to. If you must, keep ‘living with your parents’ on the back burner as a last resort!
Best wishes to you.