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I have taken care of my step father for 8 years before he passed and now I am the sole caregiver for my mother. She is 91 and has recently lost the use of her legs. I have to lift and pivot for the bedside commode and the lifting is putting my health at risk. I have a sister in another state that would come 1x a year and now that she is getting sicker, she comes about every 3 months. I do everything for my m9m., I have completely put my life on pause to live with them and care for them, without pay. My sister always makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job for my mom, that I should be doing more. She is always telling me how and what to do for her. When she visits, I'm uncomfortable being here. How do I stop her from being such a bully to me. My mom has also almost completely stopped eating and drinking and doesn't want to leave her bedroom or get out of bed at all. I don't know what to do about my sister anymore. She is so rude and mean to me

Get therapy and set boundaries with your sister. It might be time to place your mom in a facility.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I strongly urge you to place your loved one into a hospice with its own respite facility. We were in the process of moving dad’s hospice to help spare mom when dad died.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Thank you everyone. I have a telehealth appointment with her Dr on Tuesday for hospice placement. I cant thank everyone enough for helping me to know how to deal with my bully of a sister. I appreciate this site so much!!!
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Reply to Greenjellybeanz
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This now has to be entirely about your mom and the hell with what your sister says or does or doesn't do. Your mom now needs to under hospice care whether in home or in a facility, so call hospice today. Yes you can call them on a Sunday as they are available 24/7.
Your mom now needs to be able to die in peace and if that peace can't be at home then hospice will help you find the right facility for her, so call them now.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Your sister isn't the problem. She doesn't live there. If you don't like what she has to say on the phone simply tell her Mom needs you and hang up. She has made her choices not to do hands on caregiving. I think that is the RIGHT choice. She may feel guilty, she may just be a rude person; who knows and to be honest who cares.

Now on to the real problem here.

Your caregiving is not sustainable for you.
You mom requires placement.
It is time to be honest with her and let her know that you cannot now go on and she will have to go into care.
Then you will assess assets and decide WHERE she can go into care.

This puts your mother, who now needs 24/7 care by several shifts of people with several people on each shift into care; consider board and care first if you're able; it's more homelike.
This also eliminates sister-visits.
I call that a two-for-one.

As to all the the angst about "Mom doesn't want to goooooooo....." and "I prommmmmised Mom that......:" let's get straight that:
1. This isn't sustainable and cannot go on
2. You aren't responsible for your mother's happiness and cannot make her happy anymore.
3. Old age is in no way about happiness.
4. You are not god; you cannot be responsible for the happiness of others.

Repeat those things often as you need to and tack the serenity prayer onto the end of them.
Know I wish you the best, and this may sound brutal but sometimes the truth has to be delivered loudly and clearly.
I hope you will update us.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You should not be putting your health at risk for your mother. Nor should you be putting your life on hold, nor going without pay. Place your mother in a facility so you can regain your life and your health. Then you need no longer see or talk with your sister. She can visit your mother in the facility, get any information from them, and direct any criticisms to them, not you. YOU matter too, and deserve happiness and peace; I'm sorry you have lost so much of your life to other people's unrealistic expectations.
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Reply to MG8522
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Call for a hospice evaluation for mom. And tell twisted sister she's no longer welcome in the house if she cannot control her opinionated self. That you're doing EVERYTHING for mom and she is doing 1% but 99% of the criticizing! Either take over entirely or shuddup.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I think you should call hospice, it sounds like your mother might be nearing end of life. That's your priority, not your sister's b-s.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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