I have taken care of my step father for 8 years before he passed and now I am the sole caregiver for my mother. She is 91 and has recently lost the use of her legs. I have to lift and pivot for the bedside commode and the lifting is putting my health at risk. I have a sister in another state that would come 1x a year and now that she is getting sicker, she comes about every 3 months. I do everything for my m9m., I have completely put my life on pause to live with them and care for them, without pay. My sister always makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job for my mom, that I should be doing more. She is always telling me how and what to do for her. When she visits, I'm uncomfortable being here. How do I stop her from being such a bully to me. My mom has also almost completely stopped eating and drinking and doesn't want to leave her bedroom or get out of bed at all. I don't know what to do about my sister anymore. She is so rude and mean to me
Your mom now needs to be able to die in peace and if that peace can't be at home then hospice will help you find the right facility for her, so call them now.
Now on to the real problem here.
Your caregiving is not sustainable for you.
You mom requires placement.
It is time to be honest with her and let her know that you cannot now go on and she will have to go into care.
Then you will assess assets and decide WHERE she can go into care.
This puts your mother, who now needs 24/7 care by several shifts of people with several people on each shift into care; consider board and care first if you're able; it's more homelike.
This also eliminates sister-visits.
I call that a two-for-one.
As to all the the angst about "Mom doesn't want to goooooooo....." and "I prommmmmised Mom that......:" let's get straight that:
1. This isn't sustainable and cannot go on
2. You aren't responsible for your mother's happiness and cannot make her happy anymore.
3. Old age is in no way about happiness.
4. You are not god; you cannot be responsible for the happiness of others.
Repeat those things often as you need to and tack the serenity prayer onto the end of them.
Know I wish you the best, and this may sound brutal but sometimes the truth has to be delivered loudly and clearly.
I hope you will update us.
Best of luck to you.