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i think " friendship " is a term thats tossed around a lot but in fact a rarity .
i just lost a friendship of about 15 years because i just couldnt keep making excuses for her pitiful job performance . too much compromise -- too much giving -- too little receiving .

the woman wouldnt even reply to an email unless there was a hundred dollar bill being offered for about 50 bucks worth of household help . i was buying a friend and it began to cause me to lose respect for myself .

i s'pose the kicker was when i gifted her 450 bucks worth of loose change to help her out and later on that week she lost her sht because i gave someone else a gallon jar of morel mushrooms some of which she had found . the gifted mushrooms were going to an elderly grandmother who was absolutely ecstatic at such a windfall . this is noteworthy ; several times i gave the friend my find of mushrooms to take home because there wasnt an abundance for two people .

i dont need that crap . as far as a spouse ? i had one -- she was a serial cheater . i also dont need that crap .
sons ? the one i was closest to was shot and killed 3 years ago . the other has his own life 130 miles away .

so its just me and the squirrels and the deer . i try to refrain from chatting up the deer because they need to distrust humans in order to survive .
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gdaughter Nov 2019
It's okay to talk to the deer...they are wiser than people realize and will still survive. They need all the love they can get...though in my area all the mayors and council people would be happy if they all died because of a handful of garden club ladies and complainers. You could plant some seeds of crops they like to eat! Hostas, tomatoes, bulbs...Squirrels to. Not making fun, and really sorry for your losses....
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It's difficult to be old, it's difficult to be retired and trying to take care of very elderly parents who have tons of issues, it's all difficult. Life, in fact, is difficult.

We all have stories, and there are sides to each. We are privy here to only one side of the story, in most cases, so we are only able to respond to that side which we are told.

When parents and grandparents are loving and easygoing, the visits tend to be easier and more frequent for the children and the grandchildren. When parents and grandparents are complaining and bitter, the visits tend to be tougher and less frequent for the children and the grandchildren. True story, huh?

Personally, I feel that I've made my parents' lives better by helping get them get placed in a beautiful Assisted Living community where they had plenty of activities to enjoy, plenty of people to interact with so they weren't lonely, and lots of daily events to participate in that kept them vibrant & living longer lives than they would have had they lived by themselves. Of course, bringing them gifts and chocolates and beautiful clothing with jewelry was, and still is, something I choose to do for my mother on an ongoing basis. Their grandchildren visit when they're able, which was more frequent when their grandfather was alive, because he was a real pleasure to be around. Their grandmother, not so much. Yet they still visit, but not enough, to hear her tell it.

To hear them tell it, she complains constantly while they're there, telling them they haven't stayed long enough before they've even left. They find it stressful to visit, but that's their side of the story.

So, we all need to show compassion, kindness and love to one another in life, you're right about that. It's not a one way street where one party does all the taking and the other party does all the giving. Both sides must contribute in order to have a mutually enjoyable relationship.

I wish you all the best that life has to offer and I thank you for sharing your story.
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Well put.
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Fatalist, I read your post two days after my daughter told me she and family were going to Ireland for five years. It made me decide that I must make a regular time for us to phone or Skype (not easy with a 10 hour time gap). We can change it if it doesn’t work occasionally, but I have to take my own responsibility to make it happen. Thanks for the push you gave me!
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earlybird Nov 2019
Margaret, Skype works well for us. My brother lives overseas and there is a twelve hour time difference. We usually talk at around 8pm our time which is 8am his time.We spend about an hour on Skype and it is easier for mom to communicate face to face.
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Fatalist, what kind of help are you getting with your husband's care?

I understand your sadness that your family doesnt communicate more. I have a lovely friend in a similar situation. She keeps asking what she did wrong.

The answers to family dynamics questions are so hard, fraught with pitfalls and misunderstandings. My friend comes from a long history of dysfunction, replete with survivors, alcoholics and narcissism. There is no easy answer to why your kids don't keep in touch.

I second the idea to get on Facebook and see what they're doing so you can have a frame of reference when you talk to them.

Are you involved with any community groups near you?
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Tacy022,

I’m appreciative of your response Tacy. Good to hear the other side. I am sorry for OP’s past history and it is good that she ended up in a better place.

Aging Care is a safe, supportive space for adult caregivers to discuss, vent or complain. Many posters had less than stellar childhoods. Many AC posters have difficult caregiving situations with little or no support from family and friends.

I was surprised to see to see a post like this OP’s. Every criticism she has of her children and grandchildren may be valid. But it remains that we know nothing of what their story would be. And for me, their side of the story would be every bit as important as Fatalist’s.
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MargaretMcKen Nov 2019
Why be surprised by a post? We never ever know the other side, and can never hear their story. The point is to provide the support posters need, unless it really sticks in your throat.
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Fatalist - you sound like an incredible person who has led a fascinating and productive life. It is sad that your husband is so weakened that he can no longer be a true partner to you. Are your children aware of that? Are you sure they're not thinking that you and your husband are humming along just fine taking care of yourselves and each other, whatever health issues may erupt?

One thing you should bear in mind is that almost all of us who post here are actually taking care of our elderly parents. And most of us do have sympathy for our parents' needs and problems. As you no doubt understand from reading here, taking care of a parent can be extremely stressful. It involves a lot of sacrifice, and our parents sometimes make the situation more difficult for us by making unreasonable demands, refusing to cooperate with our efforts to help them, being verbally abusive, or having insufficient regard for our own needs, preferences, goals, plans, etc.

I have complained on this forum as much as anyone and more than most, but I would never have left my mother to her own devices when I knew she needed help. We butted heads almost until the day she died, but that wasn't the whole relationship or even the biggest part of it.

You're in a difficult position. You're sad an lonely and limited in what you can do, but you're not in the kind of crisis situation that would get your family's attention. I suspect they may not understand how much you need them. I think everyone has been ticking along the same paths for so long that people don't realize that things have changed for you and your husband. I hope that you will reach out to them, and reach out to others too. After the lives you and your husband have lived, you deserve a loving and well-supported old age.
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Fatalist,

I appreciate your perspective.

I want to ask you how often you call the kids and grandkids? My Mum and former mil have the same complaint, no one calls, yet neither of them are willing to pick up the phone to call. My Dad has never called any of my kids, yet he calls his own friends daily.

When is the last time you went to visit the kids? My former mil would complain that we did not visit enough, yet it is much easier and less expensive for one person to travel than a family of 5. Add to that the time off work, the missed kids activities and the cost gets very high for a family, even for a weekend away. Now I understand your husband is frail, but respite care can help with that.

My former fil moved to the UK, only twice since he moved have I been able to afford to take the younger kids to see him. Once when they were 4 and 6 and again when they were 17 and 19. He made the effort to call once a month on a Sunday when he knew we would be home. I sent him monthly chatty emails and he would ask the kids about their activities when he called.

I am sorry that you are lonely. Are you engaged in your community? Do you keep up on the news, have a skill you can share etc?
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You have a sweet attitude and have had a long and fascinating life, which I hope you have documented for your family.


At age 63, my family doesn't call, come to visit me. I have been shocked at how the "we're so busy' line gets used. 5 kids, I don't even speak with my son anymore, he is angry over something and has cut ties. When I think of all I sacrificed for this man--the endless giving and he decides at ago 40 he wants nothing to do with me--well, it's a knife in the heart.

You've had the love of a good man. Do you know how many of us would just die for an "I love you" from our husbands, who are so busy with whatever, they just ignore us?

I just finished chemo and hope to find I am clear, but I also made the decision a few weeks back that when/if the cancer returns, I am not doing a single thing to treat it. If my family doesn't care for/about me when I am desperately ill---I don't need them either.

I've chosen to remember the days when the kids were small and sweet and loved their mama. I can't change any of them, and I won't go "poor pititful me" (you're NOT doing that, BTW) on them.

It sounds like you have been blessed with a wonderful life--we all have ups downs and sidewises--you have a unique story to tell. I hope you tell it.

We complain about difficult parents b/c we can do that here----and no place else. I doubt you'd get a single 'complaint' from your family. You sound absolutely remarkable.
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Riverdale Nov 2019
I am so sorry for your latest abandonment by a family member. You have been through so much. I hope your grandchildren treat you well. Your DH and mother obviously have their strange ways. You deserve better. I am sorry your son has now been added to this negative family picture. Your posts here are always helpful and insightful. Wishing you better days.
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Your post touched my heart. I have been reading posts and comments for a while
now and have a difficult time wrapping my head around them. A mother carries a child under her heart for nine, not so easy months. Then there is labour and birth. I probably don’t have to elaborate on that one! After baby comes home there are many nights punctuated with crying, colic and you name it. The terrible twos happen and sometimes last a lot longer. Needless to say that there are measles, mumps, chicken pox, issues at school, colds, the flu, chauffeuring, attending events when possible, teenage years and their dramatic problems, education etc. Next, you are there for your children when they need you. You help with grandchildren. you are available when beckoned and the list goes on and on and on. All of a sudden, you adult children are too busy to care for Mom or Dad (who did his thing, often a lot, though away from the daily hands on routine at home). You are suddenly worried about giving up “YOUR LIFE” after a parent or parents raised you, supported you and were there for you for the best part of their lives. (Yes, I know some of you had lousy parents, or they are quite difficult to deal with right now). There may be people who have little debt to a parent who may have deserted, abused, or abandoned you. (My comments don’t apply to everyone). You will know who you are and what your level of responsibility should be in a “fair world”. Tossing parents around like volley balls or finding ways to warehouse them is so tragic. FAMILY should be forever, though thick and thin times. My Mother was sick for a long while before she passed. We lived out of the United States and when she was healthy, we frequently had her visit us in the BVI (for any length of time she desired). It was where we worked. When she was became ill, I left my life and stayed with her until she passed. My sister and I didn’t fight for time away from her, we argued about having more one on one time with her. We finally just became her support team together. It was painful to see her suffer but a privage to be there for her. What is happening to family? Mind you, this is not directed at everyone. I have Latino friends and friends from other ethnic cultures where family is still everything. I finish where I began. My heart aches for elderly people who are shut out or left alone and seemingly forgotten by life. Getting old isn’t easy. The irony is that all of the whinners who complain about caring for their parents will be in the same shoes one day. Take that as food for thought and look up the word KARMA. Sorry to be harsh but it is so sad to see and hear from those left behind because of age and infirmity. The holidays are coming and they, due to all of the commercial hype, are hardest for many.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Oh how I wish it were that simple. So much of your post is valid. Nothing to disagree with if the family isn’t dysfunctional. Thanks for acknowledging that your comments don’t apply in every situation.

For those who have complicated situations it just doesn’t work. Would be wonderful if everyone could have the fairytale ending but not all dreams come true.

When families have to live far way it’s hard too. Sometimes people have to move away to find employment.

So glad that you and your sister had a loving situation with your mom. You are blessed indeed.
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Fatalist - Thank you for posting. Your points are well taken, and you touch my heart. Wow, you survived the holocaust, found a great love with your spouse, and made a family and a life in a new country. I am sure many would love to hear your story, and I think you have gotten good ideas here on how to share if you want. In the meantime, welcome to our community and please post here if you ever want ideas on how to address any issues you may be faced with. Also, feel free to chime in other's posts since I am sure you have a lot to offer us too. I find the community here extremely supportive. Blessings to you and your husband.
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Blessed be The Name of The Lord.

Have you ever written about your experience? I have seen a few survivors who are connecting with the community and making new friends by sharing their horrific experiences with a generation that is being told it never happened.

Speak with the closest Jewish community center and ask for help, there are a lot of services offered by the Jewish family services that would be beneficial for you and your husband. You need not walk alone, you must ask for help.

I would love to hear your story of survival against all odds. My heart and spirit respond to the choosen people of The Most High.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Oh, isthisreallyreal. Your response gave me chills! I’d love to hear her testimony too. They are survivors! They have an important story to tell that we can all learn from.
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Advice -
Join Facebook if you are not already on it. My elderly mom loves it and it seems to be the only way her grandchildren keep in touch with her.

Contact your family and have them move you and hubby close to them, into a senior community. Preferably a community which has memory care or assisted living within the community in case your husband needs that. Do this asap. It won't be easy and yes, it will be a HUGE task for your family, but it will be worth it. You said your friends have all passed, so there does not seem to be anything holding you there.

It will be easiest if you mentally prepare yourself to get rid of almost everything you own.
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gdaughter Nov 2019
Facebook is a good idea; getting rid of things...a little off base IMO>
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Fatalist, thank you so much for your insights. I live next to my mother (90) and glad I do since she is single and I'm an only w/husband and 3 sons. I'm trying so hard to model love & respect for our elders. We talk about it a lot with my sons. It's hard for them to understand how much even a brief call or even card means to our senior LOs but until they have children of their own, I"m not sure they can truly understand.

Have you thought about starting a blog about your experiences during the Holocaust and your wisdom and perspective for people today? It would be so valuable and I bet you'd connect with some amazing people. As I'm sure you know, a sense of purpose is essential to humans. I think writing a blog would get your family's attention (and respect) and be cathartic/therapeutic for you. Blessings!
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Fatalist,

I found your posting to be so touching. You have just as much of a right to express your feelings as any caregiver does. You are a lovely caregiver to your husband. I’m sure he loves you very much.

I appreciate hearing your insight on aging. I really do.

Your life story is truly inspirational. Congratulations on your long and loving marriage. Both of you are survivors and I thank God for that. It is wonderful that you were blessed with a beautiful family. I’m sorry none of them live near you.

I would be happy to listen to any feelings that you wish to express. I am sorry that you are experiencing loneliness. Isolation is awful. It’s understandable that you get depressed.

We can never have too many friends so I would welcome your online friendship. Feel free to private message me whenever you wish to chat about anything on your mind.

I wish you peace and joy in your remaining years. You certainly deserve it.

I do think about getting older. I turned 64 last month. My husband is 65. We have been married 41 years and he is the love of my life. We have two daughters.

Please share anything you’d like to. I’m sure we could all learn from your wisdom.

Take care and many, many hugs. God bless you and your beloved husband.
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ArtistDaughter Nov 2019
My sentiments exactly.
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While it might seem discouraging or downright depressing reading these posts, you have to realize this is a lifeline for most of us. It's where we can safely vent so we don't take it on our parents or families. Would you go to the hospital to find a traveling or mountain climbing companion? Would you go to an AA meeting looking for a friend to attend drink-of-the-month club? We come here to vent. We might feel this way for 10 minutes. We might feel this way for 10 days. We might have felt this way for our entire lifetime. We're all different.

Perhaps the reason we can and do show compassion, kindness and love to our aging parents is because we can come here and vent to our hearts content and know that we're among friends and not judged.

I think a social forum would be a great resource for you, one with more upbeat interaction. You could come here when caring for hubby gets you down and then go there to talk about movies, books, and laugh. A good joke goes a long way! How about it forum folks - anyone have any suggestions for Fatalist?
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Helping77 Nov 2019
Not exactly trying to sound rude (to the lady who started this thread) but I was wondering what the heck her point was. I'm sorry but I read the first few bits (especially about her husband) and I'm thinking great I'd trade places with you if you're whining so much since that's all I get from my grandma (whining, telling me how disrespectful I am (because I'm part of the millennials... I'm nothing like the people she describes but the way she talks I wouldn't know) treats me 20 years younger than I am (I'm close to 30) and other stuff. Anyway I agree with you... kinda reminds me of my grandma whining about how depressing EVERYTHING is when she chooses to watch the news everyday all morning.
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You sound like a lovely person and not the typical cranky old person we refer to in so many of these posts! I am so sorry that your family is not visiting or contacting you and I am especially sorry about your husband is in the shape that you describe. U will make some friends here on this website.

is it at all possible for you and your husband to move closer to family?

I am in my 50s and childless and I truly fear getting old after reading so many of the things here.
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ML4444 Nov 2019
No need to fear it...but a great need to prepare as with anyone whether single or not. I am late 50’s and made the decision to down size my house and move into a great retirement community now. I am single, childless, and am going to a place where there are many like me, some older, some same age, some married, some single. Lots of activities, lots of very friendly folks, and we all have a few things in common. I did this because I watched my elderly parents decline in the last 2 years (father in LTC, mother with memory issues) and had to downsize them and move my mother several times, which has been painful for all. I decided that I did not want to do the same thing to myself. I would rather be 1 day early than 5 minutes too late to do this... I live in Texas and if you do too, I can give you info in a few things if you are interested. PM me. Best wishes....
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Thank you so very much for your insight into old age. You obviously do not have any sort of dementia yet you also experience the loneliness and isolation of old age. I don't quite understand why the younger ones who are as you put it "living their own lives" cannot be bothered with a quick phone call at the very least. So sad. We all think that somehow we will avoid the pitfalls of aging... but maybe not. God bless you.
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gdaughter Nov 2019
WE do hope to avoid the pitfalls, and hope is key. Without hope none of us would survive and while this may be this person's experience, it may not be our own. Her message spreads guilt to many who are juggling complicated lives of their own families and caregiving, maybe working. Sometimes some older people (not saying this poster) have been difficult and controlling and there are many reasons, including that, that children do not live close. If the relationships are loving and caring maybe there is a time consider moving within range of the family or weighing that against staying in the home and area one knows and loves. It is very hard.
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